Losing Mom

We decided to take mom to the Casino. My sister, Marcia, and I felt perhaps the stimulation of the sights and sounds would be good for her. Even more importantly we wanted to give dad a much needed break from the caregiver role he so willingly took on. Let's face it, taking care of a loved one with Alzheimer's can be hell on Earth. There is no simpler way to describe it. Yep, mom had Alzheimer's.

Marcia and I agreed that one of us would have mom in sight at all times. This was so we too could have a little gambling fun instead of simply trying to babysit mom. We plopped her down in front of a slot machine, put in a ten dollar bill, and showed her which button to push. Having loved her Vegas trips over the years mom quickly fell into the rhythm of the gambling frenzy with a huge smile on her face. Marcia and I felt confident all was well, and decided I would be the first to wander off in search of my own big win. So for the next couple of hours we took turns sitting with mom, actually getting peeved that she continued to play on her original ten dollars, while we went through all the money we brought!

When it was getting time to leave mom announced she had to use the restroom. "Hang on a minute, mom", I said, "I'll go with you". Both my sister and I turned to gather out things, including mom's winnings - yes, I said winnings, on ten bucks! - and when we turned back to where she was standing she was gone. Gone! In seconds, gone, just like the toddler whose mother turns her back for a mil-a-second, mom was nowhere to be seen.

Marcia and I grabbed each other, shouting, rambling, blaming, searing. "What do we do?" "What do we do?" Then Marcia said, "Oh my God! Dad will never forgive us for losing mom!". Well, that broke the tension. Marcia was more concerned over what dad would think of us rather than the fact we lost our 75 year old mother who just happened to have Alzheimer's. The absurdity of it just cracked me up, and I started laughing. Then my sister was laughing, and soon we lost all control, hanging onto each other with tears running down our faces, and didn't even notice mom standing right beside us. She startled Marcia with a tap on the shoulder, asking, "What's so funny?". It took us a full minute or two to pull ourselves together, and to put mom back together as for some reason she had gotten into the habit of unbuttoning her blouse whenever she used the bathroom. Just one of the many Alzheimer's quirks we would learn to deal with.

Welcome to the world of Alzheimer's. Even though this event is somewhat comical Alzheimer's is anything but. It is the epitome of ugliness. Not only does it affect the unlucky soul who is afflicted, but their entire family and circle of friends. This disease causes pain, frustration, fear, anger, resentment, guilt. It will destroy everyone in it's path, if you let it, not just the person it attacks.

Early on my sister and I learned we had to develop an almost lighthearted acceptance of mom's illness or surely we would have lost our minds. And anyone with a loved one who is ill knows you cannot lose it. You cannot afford that luxury. You must always be in control, or at least learn to fake it well. You cannot be weak or in denial. You cannot give in to the power of it, or walk away from it. You must dig down inside and pull from your very soul the compassion and patience and strength you never knew existed. All in the name of love. How does one do that? For me it was my faith. The power of belief, the power of prayer is what kept me going, and I believe is what enabled my family to survive (somewhat) intact.