Screwing Upward

The young blonde sat up in bed and spoke very seriously to the old man beside her. “Look, Klaus, I know it’s kind of humiliating for you, but for God’s sake, you’re eighty-four, and it’s not surprising if you can’t get it up the way you did fifty years ago. Anyway, I’ve got packing to do, and I think you need a rest.” The scene was a room in a brownstone on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, but the accent would have been more a home in London’s East End. The reply came with a mild German accent. “Perhaps we could try again later—you know how important it is for me to reach…” “Orgasm—yes, and if you want to know the truth, I sometimes wonder if you’re really the spiritual savior of the world and not just a dirty old man with a passion for young girls.” “My dear! You know that I have never made such a claim. Dr. Goerner…” “OK, I’m sorry. You’re very kind and at least you stick to one girl at a time. But I don’t believe old Goerner ever said anything about sex in his life. At least, not the way you mean.” “That is true—it is simply a very well known and universally acknowledged fact that…” “A good lay makes your clairvoyance work overtime.” “My dear Halcyon, I beg you not to keep interrupting. I was only going to say that sexual fulfillment helps to awaken one’s spiritual faculties.” “OK, I’m sorry again. We can try again later, but maybe it’s just that now I’m eighteen I’m getting too old for you. It wasn’t a problem when I was sixteen.” Klaus looked thoughtful. “I do not remember that you found my attentions distasteful.” The young woman called Halcyon smiled and kissed the old man on the top of his head. “It’s true. You were just like those old pictures of God—all white hair and bulging muscles—and I was all blue-eyed innocence, and nicely developed for a kid of that age. We really turned each other on, didn’t we? But maybe you really do need somebody new.” “And you? Do you need somebody new?” She kissed him again. “If I don’t get on with my packing, we’ll never make it onto that plane tomorrow morning, and we’ll miss the blasted conference, and you won’t get to make your speech. I s’pose Alison is packing for you.” “Yes, I believe so.” “Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to go down and say something nice to her.” Klaus looked faintly puzzled, but he went to the door and as he opened it the sound of a not very amicable conversation reached them. “I do wish that she and Imre would become more friendly.” “Don’t count on it—Alison may be a bit funny, but she’s really a sweetheart, whereas Imre’s a sleaze-ball and I still can’t figure out why you took him on as your secretary. Anyway, you’d better go down and see what’s up—but put something on first. I know everybody knows what’s going on but… Well, you know what I mean.” The voices from downstairs got louder. “Imre, will you get the hell out of my room?” “But Alison, I only wanted to…” “I know what you wanted.” A door slammed. Klaus went to his room for his ornate dressing gown, while Halcyon reached for her bathrobe, caught sight of herself in her dressing table mirror, liked what she saw and grinned at her image. It grinned back encouragingly at her, so she decided against the robe and pulled a suitcase out from under the bed. “And the four of us are going to be stuck together on that plane for six or seven hours”, she muttered. “Klaus will tell us everything Goerner ever said about flying, Imre will spend the whole time saying, ‘Yes Sir, no Sir, three bags full’ while he’s ogling Alison, she’ll keep on snubbing him and I’ll just keep quiet and hope for it to be over. OK, Glastonbury, here we come.”