Sheltered By God

There was a big pop and complete darkness. It wasn't a power out kind of darkness. It was just completely black. I know now that it's because I was inside the storm. That's when I got scared. I pulled the pillows over my head and held onto them as hard as I could. Then I heard the most terrifying sound I've ever heard. It sounded like a freight train barreling down the tracks, and I knew it was a tornado. I'd always heard that it sounded like a train, but for some reason I always thought people meant it sounded like a train whistle blowing. It was deafening. I could feel a vibration behind me and it took a second for me to realize that the wall behind me was moving. I reached up for the clothes rack above me to hold onto, but when I reached up there was nothing there. I felt this weird feeling of pressure going over my body. There's really no other way to describe it, and I knew the walls were being ripped apart around me. Then time slowed down and it's like everything happened in slow motion. I just started begging God to live. "GOD - NO! GOD - NO!" I just said it over and over the whole time. I wasn't taking His name in vain. I was talking to him, telling him not to take me, that I wasn't ready to go. I said it all with two words "GOD - NO!". I felt the wind pulling at my body trying to pick me up, and I just kept begging. It's amazing how you can be saying one thing and thinking another thing at the same time. It's like my mind separated into two parts. One part was having a conversation with God, and the other had all of these horrible thoughts floating around, but at the same time I was 100% engaged in both my conversation with God and my thoughts.

I thought about my daddy. In the part of my mind that was having the horrible thoughts, I thought that God couldn't do this to him again. He can't go through this again. I thought about Brandon and how we hadn't had enough time together. I thought about how he was going to come home from work and find my body. So I fought. I truly believe God helps those who help themselves, and I wasn't ready to go. The whole time the other part of me was still talking to God telling Him "GOD - NO!". After what seems like an eternity the winds died down a little and I breathed a sigh of relief. But after about three seconds the winds picked up full force again. And the struggle started all over. I don’t know if tornadoes have an "eye", but if they do then I was inside of it.

The wind started pulling at my body again and I just held onto my pillow yelling "GOD-NO". I could feel things hitting me, but I kept begging and fighting. The second part of the storm was when I thought I'd die. It felt like it was never going to end and I knew that any minute I'd be sucked out and flying through the air and that would be it. I've never told anyone, but I've always had a fear of dying in a tornado. I guess it's because growing up in our family I know that it can happen.

I wondered if I would get hit in the head with something while I was flying through the air. For some reason, I kept imagining getting hit by a dishwasher. Ironic since there was part of a dishwasher in our yard afterward. I wondered if it would hurt to die. I wondered if I'd go fast, or if I'd suffer. I wondered all of these things and believed in my mind that I was going to die, but I never gave in to it. I never asked God to take me quickly or painlessly. I never asked him for it to be over. If I was going to go, I was going to go out fighting. Life is worth fighting for. Even in the most terrifying moment, life was worth fighting for. After what seemed like an eternity, but I've heard was only about 15 or 30 seconds, the wind finally died down and the rain began hitting my legs. I knew without looking that there was no roof left. I knew I was in the open. I kept the pillow over my head for a few minutes, terrified of taking it off. I was scared the wind might pick up again or that I'd be hit in the head by some kind of debris still flying around. It would be horrible to survive the tornado and be killed afterward by a piece of debris. Finally, convinced that the storm was over, getting soaked and scared of what might be coming behind the tornado, I knew I had to get to shelter. Terrified I removed the pillows from my head, pulled myself out of the rubble around me, and took my first look at the destruction left behind.

I only thought I was scared before I took the pillows off my head. After I removed them I became absolutely terrified. It's one thing to know that the walls around you are gone; it's another to actually see it. As soon as I took the pillows off, I looked around and started shaking and crying. I never cried during the storm, but just seeing what was left behind made all of those emotions come rushing out. It felt like a really bad movie, where some disaster happens, or a bomb goes off, and there’s only one person left alive. Well, I love horror movies, but I'll never look at those scenes the same again. I sat there for a minute on the foundation to our house, shaking, scanning the neighborhood, looking at the pieces of houses that were left and the piles of rubble and debris everywhere. I looked for any sign of life, but there wasn't any. The thought crossed my mind that everyone might be dead.