Intersections

At just after midnight, Kate sat quietly by Charlie’s bed, listening to his low moans as he struggled to breathe. With every torturous breath…with every stab of pain…his life was ebbing out of him. It would not be long now. He had fought so hard all day, slipping in and out of consciousness, but his energy was almost gone. Kate’s shift had been over for more than an hour, yet she still sat by his bed still clad in her nurse’s uniform, feeling increasingly helpless. She was determined that he would not die alone. She would stay until the end.

The ward was as quiet as she had ever heard it, so the sound of footsteps in the corridor startled her. She looked up to see Mama Josie, who placed a chair next to hers. “He’s trying to hold on,” she said softly, “though for the life of me I don’t know why.” She took two peppermint candies out of her pocket and offered one to Kate. “I love these more than some members of my family, so you should feel privileged.”

Kate took it graciously. “I do feel that way. Thank you.” The peppermint felt sharp on her tongue, giving her a small infusion of energy. “It won’t be long now Mama Josie…maybe an hour or a little more. The doctor gave him as much pain medication as he could but he’s still hurting. It just breaks my heart.”

Mama Josie patted her knee. “You know Kate, I learned a long time ago that compassion is a two-edged sword. As a nurse, we have to be compassionate, but as a human it is the hardest thing we can do. It hurts too badly.” She paused, peering deeply into Kate’s eyes. “All these boys deserve to be saved, but we can’t save them all. All of them deserve to feel love, but we can’t love them all. All of them deserve to feel the tender touch of a compassionate hand, but we can’t hold them all.”

“I know you’re right Mama Josie, but I would rather suffer myself than see them in pain. My heart may hurt, but it is nothing compared to what they have to endure. I’m surrounded by my friends and a man who loves me. They have no one really but us. I can’t just do the job and not feel anything.”

“I would never ask you to do that Kate,” Mama Josie whispered, trying not to disturb the other patients. “What you did for Charlie this morning…the act of kindness you bestowed on him…it really made an impression on me. It made me feel proud. I don’t want you to lose that compassion, but you need to know that it will never get any easier. You can’t help everyone."

“No, regrettably I can’t,” Kate sighed as she put her hand on Charlie’s, “but I can help him and that’s all that matters right now.”

Charlie began to squirm in his bed, his medication wearing off. “Darlene!” he cried, trying to rise.

Kate spoke to him softly, urging him to lay back. “Hey, Charlie. Just lay back and rest. Everything is going to be all right.”

“Darlene!” he cried again. “Is that you Darlene? Baby, is that you?” His lips quivered and his head twitched from side to side. The bandages over his eyes were wet with tears.

Kate glanced at Mama Josie, who looked back with tear-filled eyes. “You do what you feel best, Kate.”

“Darlene!” Charlie yelled again, using all the strength he could muster. His voice was raspy as his tongue became thick, sticking to the roof of his mouth.

Kate grasped Charlie’s hand tightly. “Yes, Charlie, it’s Darlene. I’m here. It’s all right.”

“I’m afraid, Darlene,” he muttered softly, “I’m so afraid to lose you, baby.”

“You haven’t lost me. I’m right here.” Tears were streaming down Kate’s face and dripping from her chin. “You need to sleep.”

“Is Mama here? Is she Darlene?”

Before Kate could answer, Mama Josie spoke. “Yes, son, your Mama’s here.” Mama Josie moved to the other side of the bed, sat on its edge and clasped his hand. Her lips quivered with emotion. “You be still now. Darlene and I will stay with you.”

Charlie seemed to relax, but his face was still contorted in pain. He muttered, “Please sing to me Darlene…Mama… Pleases sing to me. Sing the song from church.”

Kate looked at Mama Josie helplessly. “Which song, Charlie? There were so many.”

“You know the one,” he gasped for air, his lungs filling with fluid making his breathing sound like a baby’s rattle. “Rock of Ages…the song you and Mama always sing together.”

The nurses stared at each other in silence. “What do you think Mama,” Kate said, her voice cracking. “Can we sing Rock of Ages for Charlie?”

Mama Josie nodded her head, while dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. “Sure we can.”

Leaning toward him, the two nurses began to sing, their soft voices cascading across the ward. A few feet away, the duty nurse turned toward the wall, overcome with emotion.

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

let me hide myself in thee;

let the water and the blood,

from thy wounded side which flowed,

be of sin the double cure;

save from wrath and make me pure.

Charlie began to lose his fight for air but the pain began to ebb away as blackness enveloped him. He moaned softly and tried to capture a last bit of air. His breathing sounded like a broken bicycle chain grating on the street. Kate could feel her throat closing. Her chest was heavy and wracking sobs lay just below the surface. Mama Josie leaned across the bed and took her hand. “You can do this.”

Kate’s voice cracked with emotion as she continued.

Not the labors of my hands

can fulfill thy law's commands;

could my zeal no respite know,

could my tears forever flow,

all for sin could not atone;

thou must save, and thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,

simply to the cross I cling;

naked, come to thee for dress;

helpless, look to thee for grace;

foul, I to the fountain fly;

wash me, Savior, or I die.

Sobs enveloped her, as she saw Charlie’s breathing become shallow. She put her hand over her mouth to stop them but they came anyway, like a thief in the dark of night. As Charlie’s life slipped away before her eyes, she was determined to make the last verse the final words he would hear.

When I draw this fleeting breath,

when mine eyes shall close in death,

when I rise to worlds unknown,

see thee on thy judgment throne,

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

let me hide myself in thee.

And then he was gone. A weak smile, a mouthed “thank you”, a last struggling breath and there was no more. Kate fell to her knees by the side of the bed, laying her head on the mattress as sobs overtook her. It was as if Charlie exemplified all the sadness, frustration, and pain she had carried these many months. The dam broke, unleashing a torrent of tears. The duty nurse approached the bed but Mama Josie waved her away.

After a few minutes, Kate struggled to her feet. Her mentor embraced her with the firmness of a mother but the tenderness of a friend. “You go to bed. I’ll have the nurse on duty clean him up and call the corpsmen to take him to the morgue.”

“No, Mama. Please let me do it. I want to do it.” Kate looked at her with wide eyes that glistened like diamonds.

“Why don’t we do it together? How about that?”

Kate and Mama Josie worked in silence, tenderly washing Charlie’s wounds. When they finished, Kate picked up the satchel with his belongings and put them at the foot of the bed. Then she removed his dog tags and placed them inside. “His parents should have his things. Everything but this.” She tore up Darlene’s letter into small pieces and threw them away.

Two corpsmen arrived to load the body on a gurney. “You be careful with him now.” Mama Josie cautioned. “You treat him with respect.”