My Devdas

“GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.” 

ONE 
NOT MY LIFE 



CALIFORNIA, JULY 2002 

IT WAS NO USE, NO MATTER HOW LONG SHE STARED AT THE BLANK SCREEN, NOTHING SEEMED TO HAPPEN! SHE REALIZED IT WAS NOT THE COMPUTER’S FAULT THAT SHE WAS GETTING NOWHERE; HER MIND WAS WANDERING ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND SHE COULD NOT CONCENTRATE. MAYBE IF SHE HAD A CUP OF TEA, IT WOULD HELP. 
DANYA LOOKED ACROSS THE HALLWAY WITH DISMAY AS SHE HEARD THE LOUD BANGING THAT CAME FROM THE ROOM FADI HAD ASSIGNED AS HIS OWN PERSONAL OFFICE. DOES HE REALLY HAVE TO WRESTLE WITH HIS THINGS TO ORGANIZE THAT ROOM? SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF. SINCE THEY HAD DECIDED ON THE WEDDING DATE, AND THAT THEY WILL LIVE IN HER HOUSE AFTERWARDS, FADI HAD BEEN BRINGING MORE AND MORE OF HIS THINGS OVER, AND MOVING OUT MORE OF HERS! WHO BUT MAMA’S PRECIOUS BOY WOULD THINK OF PAYING SO MUCH MONEY TO BUY THAT STRANGE GOLD FRAME FOR HIS DIPLOMA, AND THEN TO TRY AND HANG IT UP IN THE FAMILY ROOM NEXT TO OUR HIDIOUS ENGAGEMENT PICTURE? SHE’D HAD TO INSIST THAT HE MOVE IT INTO HIS OFFICE. DANYA TURNED IN THE BLACK LEATHER CHAIR TO LOOK AT WHAT HAD BECOME OF HER HOUSE. THEY HAD BEEN ENGAGED FOR SIX MONTHS WHEN FADI AND HIS PARENTS HAD DECIDED THEY WERE READY FOR THEM TO GET MARRIED, AND TO START A FAMILY. SHE HAD TRIED TO REASON WITH FADI: 
“HOW EXACTLY COULD ANYBODY PREPARE FOR, AND ORGANIZE, A BIG WEDDING IN ONLY A MONTH? YOU KNOW I HAVE A DEADLINE TO MEET BY THE END OF THE MONTH. I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A DECISION WE MAKE TOGETHER, NOT YOU AND YOUR MOTHER… WHO IS GETTING MARRIED HERE, REALLY?” 
FADI HAD COME AND PUT HIS ARM AROUND HER SHOULDERS, STEERING HER TOWARDS HIS OFFICE. ONCE INSIDE, HE SEATED HER IN A CHAIR, AND THEN HE SAT BEHIND HIS DESK. TRUE, HE WAS AN ACCOMPLISHED ARCHITECT, BUT HE MADE HER FEEL LIKE SHE WAS VISITING A SHRINK WHEN HE SAT LIKE THAT, HE EVEN USED THAT TOO-CALM TONE THAT PEOPLE USUALLY USE WHEN TALKING TO A DISTURBED PERSON. “I HAVE NO DOUBT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO PULL IT OFF DANYA, YOU ALWAYS DO". AND THAT HAD BEEN THE END OF THAT CONVERSATION. 
ON ANOTHER OCCASION, DANYA AND FADI WERE SITTING WITH HIS PARENTS, AROUND THE DINING TABLE AT FADI’S HOUSE, AND DANYA MADE THE ‘UNFORGIVABLE’ SUGGESTION THAT THEY COULD HAVE A SMALLER, MORE INTIMATE WEDDING. ROSE, FADI’S MOTHER, WAS BESIDE HERSELF. 
“IF YOU’RE NOT HAVING A BIG WEDDING, WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO TO CITY HALL AND GET IT OVER WITH? UNLESS THE WEDDING IS GRAND, I WILL NOT SHOW UP, AND NEITHER WILL MY HUSBAND.” SHE THEN TURNED TO GLARE AT ISSA, HER HUSBAND OF THIRTY YEARS, AND THE POOR MAN JUST NODDED ALONG. HE HAD LEARNED A LONG TIME AGO NOT TO BOTHER AND ARGUE WITH ROSE. FADI, OFCOURSE, AGREED TO WHAT HIS MOTHER WANTED—IT HAD BEEN HARD AFTERWARDS FOR DANYA NOT TO RESENT FADI AND HIS PARENTS AND NOT TO ABSOLUTELY HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER WEDDING—WELL, EXCEPT MAYBE THE CAKE! CHOCOLATE CAKE HAS TO BE ONE OF THE SECRET INGREDIENTS IN SANITY PILLS! DANYA SURMISED AS SHE TURNED HER ATTENTION TO THE STATE OF HER HOUSE. SHE LOOKED AROUND AGAIN, AND AGAIN IT SEEMED LIKE THERE WAS NO SAFE AND QUIET PLACE IN HER HOUSE ANYMORE; A MOVE TO THE ROOF DID NOT SOUND TOO BAD, EXCEPT THAT THE SUN OUTSIDE WOULD BE A BIT TOO MUCH FOR HER ALREADY FRIED BRAIN. 
FADI’S VOICE CUT INTO HER TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE WITH PERSISTENCE. “DANYA; ARE YOU OKAY?” 
“HAH?” SHE WINCED AS SHE CAME OUT OF HER SHELL TO LOOK UP INTO THE WORRIED FACE THAT TOWERED OVER HER. 
“I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO YOU AND ASKING YOU IF YOU’RE OKAY; AND YOU JUST HAVE THIS BLANK 
LOOK ON YOUR FACE, LIKE YOU DID NOT REALLY SEE ME.” 
DANYA FIGURED WHAT BOTHERED HIM WAS NOT THAT SHE DID NOT RESPOND, BUT THAT SHE DID 
NOT SEE ‘HIM’. “I’M FINE, THANK YOU, JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS BOOK.” 
“ARE YOU SURE? YOU LOOK A BIT TIRED, AND OUT OF IT.” 
“REALLY, I’M FINE” SHE TRIED TO TURN AROUND IN HER SEAT AND GET BACK TO WORK, AND AWAY FROM HIM, BUT FADI PERSISTED. 
“COME ON DANYA, OUT WITH IT. WHAT’S GOING ON?” 
“I TOLD YOU, I’M ABSOLUTELY FINE. PLEASE DO NOT WORRY YOURSELF ABOUT ME.” AND SHE MANAGED TO TURN HER CHAIR AWAY, MUMBLING:” SO YOU COULD GO BACK TO WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE DOING IN THAT ROOM.” FADI WAS A VERY HANDSOME MAN. HE HAD BEAUTIFUL WIDE HAZEL EYES, PERFECTLY LINED LIPS, WIDE FOREHEAD CROWNED WITH CURLY GOLDEN BROWN HAIR THAT COMPLIMENTED HIS TANNED FEATURES, AND A PROUD TILTED NOSE. HE CHOSE HIS CLOTHES CAREFULLY TO SHOW OFF HIS WIDE SHOULDERS AND SLENDER HIPS THAT FIT PERFECTLY WITH HIS LONG AND MUSCULAR BODY. DANYA ALWAYS USED THE WORD ‘PERFECT’ AROUND FADI AND WHEN DESCRIBING HIS LOOKS, ALTHOUGH OF LATE IT CAME OUT OF HABBIT RATHER THAN OUT OF AFFECTION. SHE WAS BROUGHT BACK TO REALITY WHEN HE PUSHED SOME OF HER NOTE PAPERS ASIDE AND SAT ON THE EDGE OF THE DESK TO FACE HER. “OKAY DANYA—TELL ME WHAT THIS REALLY IS ABOUT.” 
“NOTHING FADI, REALLY; I’M ABSOLUTELY FINE.” SHE WAS TRYING TO SAVE SOME PAPERS FROM FALLING INTO THE WASTE BASKET, AND MANAGED A NICE, LEAVE-ME-ALONE SMILE BEFORE SAYING THROUGH GRITTED TEETH. “IT’S NOTHING; I’M JUST NOT GETTING ANYWHERE WITH MY WORK TODAY, AND I CAN’T CONCENTRATE. OTHER THAN THAT, I’M FINE.” 
SHE TURNED TO FACE THE BLANK SCREEN, HOPING AGAINST HOPE THAT, FOR ONCE, FADI WOULD 
NOT PUSH HER INTO THE CORNER. LATELY SHE HAD BEEN FEELING LIKE SHE WAS LIVING IN A TRAP; SO HAVING HIM NAG HER INTO APPRECIATING HIS PRESENCE WAS NOT EXACTLY WHAT SHE WOULD CALL SMART AT THIS POINT. 
“YOU KNOW IT’S HARD FOR ME, TOO, TO GET ALL OF THIS TOGETHER ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE, BUT BLAMING ME, AND PUSHING ME AWAY IS NOT THE ANSWER TO YOUR FRUSTRATIONS OR MINE!” 
”WELL FADI, THIS WAS NOT EXACTLY MY IDEA. IF MY MEMORY IS NOT PLAYING GAMES WITH ME, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO ADMIRED YOUR PARENTS’ IDEA SO MUCH...AND YET……” SHE LET THE WORDS FADE. 
SHE HAD TO STOP HERSELF BEFORE SHE SNAPPED. IT WAS NO USE TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO FADI OR CONVINCE HIM FOR THAT MATTER; THAT HIM AND HIS MOTHER COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME—NOT EVEN HALF THE TIME! 
HIS FINGER UNDER HER CHIN TURNED HER EYES TO FACE HIS. SHE WAS BREATHLESS FOR A MOMENT BY THE BEAUTY OF THE GOLDEN BROWN GLOW IN HIS EYES; SOMETIMES IT COULD ALMOST MAKE HER FORGET EVERYTHING ELSE SHE KNEW ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP, BUT SHE WAS ALWAYS WARY OF FADI LATELY WHEN HE WAS BEING TOO NICE TO HER OUT OF THE BLUE. HE HAD A NASTY HABBIT OF BEING REAL NICE TO HER FOR A WHILE, ONLY TO TURN MEAN AND JUDGEMENTAL ALL OF A SUDDEN. 
“I KNOW WE HAVE BEEN WORKING VERY HARD LATELY; AND SPENDING LESS TIME TOGETHER. BUT I DO MISS YOU-- A LOT.” 
THAT HIT THE SPOT. LEANING INTO THE SAFETY OF HIS ARMS, RESTING HER HEAD ON HIS CHEST, BREATHING IN HIS COLOGNE AND FEELING HIS WARMTH, DANYA LET OUT A DEEP SIGH. SHE COULD NOT BUT ADMIT THAT THIS WAS HER LIFE-LONG DREAM—TO FIND THE LOVE AND SAFETY WITH SOMEBODY OF HER OWN. HAVING BEEN AN ORPHAN FOR SO LONG; WITH NO RE