My Quest

MY CROSS: SCHIZOPHRENIA Schizophrenia is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as “a mental disorder characterized by indifference, withdrawal, hallucinations, and delusions of persecution and omnipotence, often with unimpaired intelligence: a more inclusive term than dementia praecox avoiding the implications of age and deterioration.” Schizophrenia, that mysterious brain disorder, has been the main limiter of my life’s activities—afterward ranked everything else. Schizophrenia often robs its victims of part of their intellectual capabilities and sometimes even blocks out reality for days or weeks at a time. The ‘voices’ one hears scare other people who hear about them. But, how much more they scare the patient, the one hearing the voices! Schizophrenia is a major impediment to employment across the boards (from the boardrooms to the trenches) as stress—often just job stress after a month or two—activates the chemical imbalance in the brain which causes schizophrenic symptoms making work activity impossible or of poor quality. Employers, familiar with the illness’ effects, disdain to hire schizophrenics for any job with responsibilities that could pay a living wage. As a result, the unemployment rate for people with schizophrenia seeking employment approaches one hundred percent typically everywhere in the U.S. For those who can get jobs job security is non-existent, promotions are unusual. And ‘poor judgment’ on-the-job stemming from schizophrenic lapses often causes friction with other employees as well. Lack of good job prospects coupled with poor judgment periods (including errant behavior) make schizophrenics disadvantaged as a choice for most meaningful relationships including but not limited to marriage and parenthood. Few eligible partners want a close relationship with a schizophrenic—and in some states having such a relationship is a crime! Additionally, since the root cause of the illness is genetic and passed on through the genes, children of a schizophrenic are more likely to be schizophrenic themselves once they reach fifteen to twenty-five years of age, the age at which schizophrenia is usually first diagnosed. To add insult to injury, the disease carries a stigma: that the individual himself or herself is responsible for having the condition. Some suggest that the condition is ‘chosen’. Clearly no one would choose to have this illness. Others suggest that it results from “sin”. While all schizophrenics have committed sins, so has everyone else. And, whereas one percent of the general adult population is schizophrenic, seven percent of the general adult population are convicted criminals. Most schizophrenics—despite experiencing periods of dimmed intellect and bad judgment—have had no trouble with the law. Then again, bad parenting, particularly by the mother, is often blamed as the culprit. But, in my family both my brothers have led exemplary lives as overachievers. We all three had the same mother. And my mother was a living saint who loved me very much. As a result of all the before mentioned, most schizophrenics I know of tend to live single lives, have few friends, and usually practically no money. And because of the stigma as well as variability of mental acuity, find themselves marginalized by society year after year. Most of our lives are both depressing and dull. On the positive side, schizophrenia is not fatal... Or, is it? About 15% of people who get the illness succeed in committing suicide. The principal reason seems to be to ‘escape from the madness’. On a more hopeful note, 1 in 5 schizophrenics eventually cease to evidence any symptoms and are able to return to a normal life. When this occurs it is usually about 10 years after the last psychotic break experienced. And for the 80% who remain ill, requiring heavy doses of expensive medication to function, the medications are much improved with fewer side effects than 40 years ago. The atypical anti-psychotic drugs such as risperdal (and others) have made life easier for most still effected by the illness. Public educational campaigns have increased awareness of the real causes of schizophrenia and reduced stigma while increasing understanding. Yet even here there is a problem: as an ill person becomes higher functioning to the point where he or she appears to be “well” even to the schizophrenic, when he or she is not, it is difficult to get continued funding. My own feeling is that only a trained psychiatrist can tell if a person has passed through the crises and is fit to work again or not. It’s been my experience that some psychiatrists are more aware of the problems faced by schizophrenics than others and more willing to speak up for their patients. To the best of my abilities I have not depended on the disability insurance system. Instead, because I was higher functioning and prodded by my father I tried and continue to try harder to work and support myself. But commercially acceptable work eventually became impossible for me as it does in most cases of this illness barring remission. MY MISSION: POSITIVE REALISM As my life has been largely a struggle against schizophrenia and its consequences, my mission in this book is to “take a bite out of the dog that bit me” by busting negative stereotypes and reducing stigma by detailing the positive accomplishments of my life, the life of a man who has battled schizophrenia for forty plus years. While some critics may argue that glossing over the negativity leads to an untrue picture, I say that I only wish to emphasize the positive. Yes, negatives were there but I view my life as more than half filled with positivity, not nearly half empty of accomplishment—a contrast in perspectives. I celebrate many partial victories ignoring shortfalls (which were largely due to the illness in one way or another). A secondary intent of this approach is to encourage schizophrenics (and other mentally ill people) as well as families of these people that there is no need to give up on life simply because of an adverse diagnosis and condition. While not to trivialize the severe disadvantages of schizophrenia, life still beckons all to embrace it. It is just that to do so is now tougher. But, with faith in God, the help of understanding family and friends, and struggle, the battle can be won to an extent needed to have many happy periods. People are just tougher than they at first think they are. MY LIFE The book reviews my life as I lived it chronologically. Chapters one and two visit the first 36% of my life, a time before the onset of schizophrenia, and the events of those years of my youth. Chapters three and four review my working career troubled but not yet disabled from schizophrenia. It covers the second third of my life before age 62. Chapters five and six give a detailed look at my life after the government found me to be ‘totally disabled’. This last third of my life before age 62 I struggled unsuccessfully to regain a financially productive life. Schizophrenia was the principal culprit. But I did manage to be of use to my family—principally my mother in her final years on Earth. I realize that I am incompetent to render a judgment on myself in this book. That Judgment will come from Christ as I pass on into Eternity. At that time my “handicap” will be properly considered and my hopes and prayers noted. At the time of Judgment we are assured we’ll each get “what we deserve” and “many who were first will be last, and many who were last first”.