Collecting Dirt

On a separate occasion, I found myself driving home from a house party that a sergeant of my platoon threw one Saturday night. Dirty Duncan was riding in the back seat of my car. Again, we were both quite drunk from a night full of debauchery, drinking and fighting with ketchup bottles. Yeah, you read correctly – ketchup bottles. I distinctly remember this because my shirt was littered with ketchup stains which looked as if I had gotten into a brawl and had my opponent’s blood splattered all over me. I honestly couldn’t tell you how Army Infantry soldiers began squirting ketchup at one another. It’s quite possible my subconscious intentionally blocked that part of the story out for fear of word spreading. Duncan and I sped down a highway on our way home when the usual colorful lights began to flicker behind us. As I grew older, I realized this was only usual for me, it seemed. Talking to some friends and family later in my life made me aware that I had gotten pulled over by law enforcement an awful lot. I run into people time and time again who have never been pulled aside by a police officer. I don’t know – maybe I have just been lucky. “Ah, crap!” Dirty shrieked out. “We’re gonna get screwed for underage drinking!” I left out that small detail. We were both underage at the time. So far, I was driving drunk as a minor. “Yeah, this aint lookin’ good,” I admitted to Duncan, trying to keep my cool. “This car isn’t insured or registered. And I guess I should have brought my driver’s license, eh?” Driving an unregistered vehicle, drunk, with no insurance or license as a minor. “Dude, I’m gonna pretend to be passed out back here so he doesn’t catch me,” Duncan explained to me. “Don’t say anything to me when he comes up here.” “What the hell, man,” I said towards the back seat. “You’re gonna let me take this all by myself?” My car slowly came to a stop on the side of the highway. “I can’t hear you,” Dirty said to me, “I’m asleep.” I looked in my rear view mirror to see Duncan slouch way down in his seat and hang his head down so his chin touched the top of his chest. He had one eye open and smiled at me as I glared at him in the mirror. “Man, whatever,” I gave in to him. The officer parked his police cruiser behind my car. A few seconds passed then I saw him step out of his vehicle and start walking toward my rolled-down window. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” the officer asked me after he reached my door. I looked at him with bright eyes and replied, “No, sir. What did I do wrong?” “You were speeding 15 miles over the limit,” he announced. “I clocked you going 80 in a 65 mile an hour zone.” Speeding an unregistered vehicle, drunk, with no insurance or license as a minor. I cleared my throat to make my words as audible as possible. “I’m really sorry, officer. I’m just trying to make it back to my base to catch some sleep. I’m really tired.” My eyes glanced up to the rear view mirror to see Duncan peering through a sliver created by his eyelids to see what was happening up front. The officer caught my glimpse and bent over to have a look for himself. “Is your friend okay back there?” he asked me. My eyes flew to the right then back towards the police officer. “Yeah, he’s fine,” I said to the uniformed man. “He’s just really tired.” The cop stood back up. “You also have a broken tail light,” he continued to deliver. Speeding an unregistered vehicle with a broken tail light, drunk, with no insurance or license as a minor. “You boys get into some trouble tonight?” the officer asked me with his eyes locked on the red ketchup stains on my shirt. “It’s a long story, sir,” I said with a slight laugh, shaking my head with embarrassment. “It’s actually just ketchup.” Speeding an unregistered vehicle with a broken tail light, drunk, with no insurance or license, wearing a ketchup-stained shirt as a minor. “You said you’re heading back to base? Fort Lewis?” he asked me. “Yes, sir,” I replied. The officer squinted his eyes at me and said, “I could impound this unregistered vehicle right now if I wanted to.” He placed both his hands on the car door and said the magic words that made everything better, “But I’m going to let you boys go.” “Oh! Thank you so much, officer!” a scream came from the back seat. My eyes shut tightly and my head dropped. The officer’s eyes and head swung to have a look at a ‘freshly napped’ Duncan. Keep your mouth shut, Dirty! I exclaimed to myself. We’re almost completely out of the woods with this one. My head flew up in an instant. My eyebrows propped high to vividly expose the whites of my eyes and I uttered out to the officer, “Have a great night, sir!” He stepped back and I hastily started my car and drove out of there.