MISSING ELLA

I’m sure that all mothers would understand how, in the dead of night, you find yourself awake because of the slightest shiver in the calmness of your home. This could be the end result of caring for a sick child, listening for any and all disturbances in the stillness of night. What woke me that night was nothing more than a simple feeling, nothing at all but something not quite right. This new house, my new life was constantly changing. The tick, tock of the hall clock almost echoed a warning. STAY IN BED, IT’S NOTHING. Still, I pulled myself from my warm bed hugging my silky nightdress tightly around me. I gazed at the remnants of my night time lunch. A smell, something odd somewhere, but it wasn’t the homemade jam on top of the half eaten biscuit, or the scum floating on top my last cup of tea. I inched silently down the hallway, with my fingertips barely touching the textured wall, stretching my arm, reaching for the smooth wood of the banister. A lifelong fear of the dark lingered in my mind restricting the power of my lungs, still I forged on. Edging my way in the darkness, I crept towards the sitting room where I knew the moonlight would give me some relief. I barely noticed the squeak of the third step as I gripped the banister harder. Pausing I heard something, almost unnoticeable, perhaps someone breathing hard, likely me. An aroma, once more, tickled my nose. What was it? I couldn’t quite tell. There was something different that night circulating within the warm air of my home, familiar but unfamiliar. I clutched the wooden door frame of the sitting room and reached my other hand to touch the velvet padding on the back of the rocking chair that sat only a foot away. My attention was drawn to the brightness outside as the full moon glistened off the pond, and lit up the bushes of the side lawn. I marveled at the glimmering moonlight as it cast a pattern through the shear curtains onto the floor. As I absorbed this calming effect I thought, it must have been nothing. The hair on the nap of my neck prickled even before I realized that between me and the window was a shadow. The shadow changed into something real as my eyes focused on the glint of a knife, the edge sharp. Before I had time to react, I felt the heat of the blade slice between the meat and the bone, sinking into my warm flesh while ripping the breath from my lungs. Something hit the side of my face, cutting my flesh. The bitter taste of blood in my mouth drained any resistance as my fingernails sunk deep into the skin on someone’s neck. It was in this moment I came upon my last defense. Finding my voice I screamed, a blood curdling sound. Then with lightning speed came the flailing of my arms, blood splattering in all directions. Seconds before everything went black I heard a primal scream of a man about to kill. My eyes flashed open as I strangled out a shriek from my own nightmare. The pasty white walls, the strong smell of antiseptic mixed with the hum of several machines huddled around my hospital bed. I struggled to regain my senses from the all consuming pain. Before my unfocused eyes was a blurred cluster of police uniforms. I tried to speak but the words were lodged, stuck inside my throat, so I whispered, “Harry.” I was numbed as a wave of terror washed over me before I tumbled back into the darkness. My sight once again faded. With my eye lids heavy and closed, there was nothing, no sensations, only an icy void. Gradually after what seemed like eternity, I felt a tingling in my hands, followed by a sharp pain in the back of my head. My normal reflex was to reach up to the pain but my limbs were like lead weights. Desperately trying to escape the fear carried with the darkness I tried to move. I could hear a deep voice some distance away, the words slurred within my mind, only to have them disappear as I drifted back down the long slide, a tube of sorts, into a black pit. The garbled words filled me with panic as I choked on internal terror. With no concept of time or place, it felt like I was walking back from the dead, I imagined. My tongue was stiff and thick as I tried to moisten my dry lips. This movement was followed with the jaw wrenching pain that now ran down the side of my face connecting to my neck. The feeling sparked more pain then stiffness flushed into the rest of my body causing an uncontrollable spasm. My attention was distracted. It was a warming sensation as someone’s hand, soft and gentle cradled mine. This miraculous touch filled me with hope, the spasm subsided. “It’s ok Stella. You’re in the hospital. You’re safe now. I’m right here.” My eyes hurt as they tumbled unrestrained with the spin of the room. I tried to focus on the most delicious brown eyes I had ever seen. I remember seeing them before, happy eyes, but not now, not this time. His deep voice sounded desperate almost urgent as he pleaded, “Stay with us Stella, come on now. Stay with us.” He gently shook my hand as his thumbs pressed harder wrinkling my flesh. Standing before me, concern creased his forehead as he focused on the side of my face. His words started to drift away from my grasp. “It’s Harry, Stella.” He dropped my hand and rushed towards the door. “Doctor, she’s awake. Nurse come quick, hurry.” The shrouds of total darkness covered me once more. I could feel the fight leave my body as I found myself staring at past memories, torment, and torture. It felt like a lifetime before finally I was filled with a sense of tranquility. I now stood looking at my grandmother with her rounded shape and laughing eyes. Confusion clouded my thoughts as I appeared taller, full grown but I had not seen my grandmother since I was ten. This fact slipped past, almost unnoticed. She reached over and took my hand before saying, “Oh you poor dear! You’ve had to battle your whole life.” Then her voice lifted with excitement, her eyes sparkled as she spoke, “You’re on the edge of a great change. Be strong, you’ll be ok.” She reached to touch my face. Her hand was soft and gentle, just as I remembered. With her work done, she turned to leave me. I could feel my eyes start to burn as tears collected. Then out of nowhere came, something treasured and secret, the voice of a nine-year-old child. “No Gran. Please stay. I’m scared.” She raised her hand offering a slight wave as she floated away, fading from my sight. This time when my eyes opened there was no flailing, no knife and no screaming. My hands and shoulders were stiff and pained. I looked down to see that my arms were strapped down with several machines attached to my body. A sharp discomfort probed into my side and my head was wrapped in a tight bandage. As I tried to move my head the room spun. Suddenly Harry jumped to his feet and ran to the door. “Doctor, she’s awake, Nurse quick hurry!” Harry stood beside me rubbing the back of my hand with the edge of his thumb. A smooth relaxed motion reminding me of my grandmother. He coaxed, “Stay with us Stella. You’re going to be ok. You’re safe now.” My voice felt strained and scratchy as I whispered, “I should have known it would come to this. How long have I been out?” “Several days.” I closed my eyes once more, and tried to stretch my tongue to lick my lips. Harry gently touched a wet sponge to my swollen, sore mouth. My reflex was to suck hard on the sponge. It felt cool and fresh, sending chills down my parched throat. “Take it easy, not too fast.” The doctor listened to my heart and checked the gauges on the machines. Poking and jabbing he watched for responses. His few questions only required a nod from me. I forced one word out that I didn’t likely need to say, “Pain.” He spoke to the nurse who left the room, only to return with a needle. The nurse leaned over me placing her hand gently on my shoulder and whispered, “This will help.” I could feel the needle slide beneath my skin into my hip.