A Life Emerging

Old Friend

Old friend, gone so long.
Lethal, old friend,
want to take my life?
Something in me
wants to let you.
Normalcy still feels foreign
but you are my familiar,
life-long companion.
Prayer and meditation
take too much energy.
You are easy, exacting no effort.
Rivers beckon, no swimming there,
currents take over.
Everything floating downstream,
down into darkness,
deep into helplessness.
No effort, no work,
too exhausted to care.
You promise it will be easy.

Old friend, comfortable, old friend,
known so long.
Malevolent, old friend.
No matter how long apart,
it only takes a second
to reignite our relationship.
Have you been waiting?
New skills already forgotten,
months of progress reversed,
moorings coming loose,
undercurrents pulling down.

Old friend, addicting, old friend.
So warm, so enticing,
filling veins with deadly relief,
but at what price?
A life? My life?

Death

In this darkness of death,
in this stillness of loss,
is a detour from life.
Driven by urges unknown,
propelled by repulsions and desires,
an actor in somebody’s play.
But there is always free will,
though it never seemed so then.

Encased in this self-made shroud,
all else crowded out of sight;
a sensory deprivation tomb.
Not knowing how long waiting lasts
or if it will ever end.
A first experience
with no chance to practice first.

Looking back to the sequence of events,
to a mixture of blindness and truth.
Could mistakes have been prevented?
Were there forks in the road?
Were warning signs missed?

Now all paths converge
on this final, engulfing event.
Time cannot be rewound,
so just let it play.
Now wait and listen to the silence.
Wait for a glimmer of light.
In the waiting,
learn to breathe.
For death is not the end,
it is just the beginning.

Again

Reactions

Never the initiator, never in control.
After the impact of another force,
any response reveals attitudes, feelings,
often prompting opposing actions.
Choices made from anger or hurt
change one fundamentally.
Two volatile chemicals change one another,
so nothing is ever the same.
Filled with regret and wishing
for better solutions. In the meantime,
learn to resist them.

Resistance

A self-protective act
like slamming on brakes to avoid a crash
or choosing not to give in
to everything, increasing suffering.
Problems arise when resisting good things
becomes a lifestyle.
Can anyone really learn to be accepting
without natural defenses engaging, interfering?
There must be a way to stop resistance
and to stop the resentment
it eventually creates.

Resentment

Feelings buried without resolution,
anger caged, growing and festering,
not believing anyone could be
so cold. Demanding perfection,
unreasonable requirements for love.
Consider only two alternatives; conformity
and death of the true self,
or remain true to self
and kill the relationship.

Reconsider

The current reality is unlivable,
offering no choice.
Consider a new reality
where prison cell
becomes a garden,
offering refreshment and serenity,
a moment to reflect on the gap
between the present
and a desired future.

Reflection

A time to assess the countenance
staring back from the mirror
of life’s choices.
Do eyes reflect happiness and peace
or sadness and turmoil?
Is sadness unwanted or unacceptable?
Find out how to change.
Imagine how happiness looks
so it is recognized
when it arrives.

Recognition

Finally understanding something clearly;
accepting its validity,
realizing the futility of continuing
on the same dark path.
Can a broken life feel whole?
Or is it just one more time
to give in or give up,
let others off the hook
in the name of peace,
trading in old beliefs
for justifications.
Or is it really resigning?
Settling for second, third best?

Resignation

Accepting the inevitable, but
with a negative spin.
After years of struggle,
living miserable and frustrated,
can relationships really change,
when it feels like something
is lost or taken away,
like letting the bully win?
Hard to let offenses go
especially without assurances
that bonds will be re-created,
reborn as a good life.

Re-creation

Created again, better this time,
a complete makeover or synthesis.
Drawing blueprints for reinventing.
There has to be a vision
before any plans begin
or the end will not look right,
like building a house and
forgetting the foundation.
But where are visions found?