Grieving After the Death of a Child

The last night together (Pronounced Dead from a Gunshot Wound) November 2005, “Thanksgiving day”, our family gathered for the holiday, at my house it was so strange this time because Tarrence who was always the last to show, would often miss some of the family. This particular time as my mom, sister and her girls prepared to leave Tarrence arrived. Tarrence Jr’s. Mother who had not spent time with the family in a while came with my mom this holiday. They shared additional time together dialoguing and laughing. Tarrence teased his son’s mom and before departing they hugged and kissed, as always when they parted. As I prepared Tarrence’s dinner plate that fateful Thanksgiving evening, our older son and his family arrived after initially thinking they may not make it due to over obligations. After dinner I thought to myself, this is a perfect time to take a family picture. Everyone is here together, which had never happened before. I proceeded to try to figure out a way to take the picture, when the doorbell rang, it was my son’s best friend. I asked him to take the picture. After taking our picture, I then took one of him and my son. In the past few months my son had begun to spend more time with his son, Tarrence Jr., who was playing junior basketball. Tarrence had not had the opportunity to watch games that had been videoed of Tarrence Jr’s games. Together they watched Tarrence Jr’s first trip to Disney World. They played several games of air hockey together. That night as I think about it they seemed to be bonding and catching up on time they had lost together. As always I videoed taped the evening. As the night winded down I remember the B.E.T. Awards were on and Alicia Keys sang her then new song “Unbreakable”. As the 10: 00 PM hour approached my son prepared to leave with his friend. We hugged and Tarrence Jr. reminded his dad not to forget his basketball game on Saturday because, this would be the last two games. That night would be the last night my son would share with us, the last night we had the opportunity to lay our eyes on him, the last meal he would share with his family. As he left he left his love offerings of hugs, kisses, and a special handshake with my husband. Oddly my husband remembers he did the handshake twice that night. As they left I watched my son walk away, slow and gracefully as he always did. I had no idea that it would be the last time I would see my son alive, a day never to be forgotten, because it is the day that truly changed our lives forever. I took the call at my mom’s that told us that Tarrence had been shot, on Friday, Nov 25, 2005 around 5:00PM in the evening, to hurry because he was being taken to a hospital on the West Side of Chicago. It was a weird thing, because I had imagined so many times this dreaded phone call might come if ever in the wee hours of the am, that call when the phone rings at 2 or 3:00am with bad news. And oddly enough it turned out to be a call on Friday at the 5pm. I called my sister to inform her of what had happened. And she and her girls met us at the hospital, as well as a brother in-law. On the way to the hospital I can’t describe the sensation that came over my body at that very moment; it is as though I went numb and blank all at the same time in disbelief, as though my mind and body had disassociated with each other. All the way to the hospital it was as though I wasn’t in my right thoughts it was as though I was outside of myself. I guess I was in a state of shock and disbelief. We arrived at the hospital, we waited a while and then a Chicago Policeman came in and asked some questions about my son, another later asked questions, then a staff member from the emergency room came out to give us an update, it was now about 6:20 pm and the ER staff member told us that my son wasn’t doing very well, He had lost a lot of blood and was very sick. My husband asked where Tarrence had been shot. The reply was one I was not prepared to hear. I had worked in a hospital for 18 years. Therefore when he said in the head, closing my eyes I let out a sigh grabbing my mouth, as though saying oh my God! No, instantly realizing that this meant his chances were not good, and that it would be by the grace of God if he made it. It was as though I had frozen up, my mind had stopped I couldn’t think, I was trying to catch up with all that was happening and it was all moving way too fast for me to grasp it. This was the longest night of my life. It was definitely the worst weekend and I won’t ever forget. I remember having this sick feeling in my stomach and having to go to the bathroom several times, my stomach was a ball of nerves. That night was truly like an out of body experience. Finally after around 9:00 pm and having moved us twice we were now in the waiting room for ICU and they were preparing to bring my son up, after working on him most of that evening which was about four hours. By then the hall and the waiting room was full of people, family, friends, of his and mine that had heard the horrible news. I didn’t know how the news spread but there were many waiting for news and to see him and to find out how he was doing. We went in first, and God, I was not prepared to see my child laying there in such a state, tubes everywhere, head bandaged, face wrapped, blood backing up out of his mouth as though it was water; this did not look like my child that I had seen alive and well the day before. I stood there in disbelief almost, still in a disassociated state, but I held it together, and I know that it was by the grace of God. It was that Peace that I had heard my Pastor speak of so often,” that, peace of God”, that surpasses all understanding that is what I was experiencing during this time. As family and friends came in to see Tarrence to verify the news many left out in disbelief, with tears rolling down their cheeks. Many young men as well as women, so distraught with grief that they sat with face in hands broken down in a tearful state. It was unbelievable that