The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book and Other Essays
The Collected Works of a Misunderstood Curmudgeon
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HOW TO LEAD A SIMPLE LIFE
I got to thinking one day: how many books are there out there these days teaching us all how to live a simple life? In a stressed out world where time is money and money is time and people have already forgotten what they’ve just learned in pursuit of what they need to learn, even books teaching us how to lead a simple life are getting complicated.
But you know the world is just a reflection of who we are as a society. Since this seems pretty obvious then we end up with a basic if/then equation: there’s only one conclusion—the world is complicated because “we’re complicated.” We don’t need to learn how to live a simple life; we need to learn how to live a simpleton’s life… Plain and simple.
Here’s my small effort for the betterment of people’s lives: nine days to a simpleton’s life. I guarantee you, if you follow this nine-day program, you’ll feel calm, quiet, spiritually renewed, and generally happy in a simple world.
Day One: Do not learn anything. Begin the day by stretching widely and saying this mantra: “I need space. I need space. I need space.” This acquaints you with the basic premise of the simpleton’s life: you are not a warehouse of useless information. Next, get a giant plastic bag and put in it anything that needs to be plugged in, makes artificial noise, has buttons, lights up when you enter the room or comes with a brochure, manual or CD. These things just occupy the left side of your brain that can easily be cleared out for less significant things. Finish your day by repeating the simpleton’s mantra: “I need space. I need space. I need space.”
Day Two: Give up environmental correctness. The mantra for the day is: “I am not part of nature and I don’t give a damn.” If you have bought a house in an environmentally friendly community, give it away immediately. Do not try to sell it. There would be papers and math involved. Buying a house in such a community might entail the dreadfully tedious proposition of actually sorting your garbage. By renting in an environmentally hostile community you can now drag your plastic bag to the curb, brush off your hands and eliminate the space in your brain that has been hitherto occupied by thoughts of paper, Styrofoam, glass, metal, various grades of plastic, composting, water quality, ozone holes, global warming, the horror of pesticides or organic gardening. By renting, you’ve managed to also clear out an area hitherto occupied by learning how to fix things around the house. This is a very large part of the brain now only occupied by the number of your building’s superintendent. Look in the mirror and congratulate yourself. Repeat: “I need space” three times. Go to bed for the balance of the day.
Day Three: Do not plan for anything. The mantra for the day is: “ I will never consider contingencies until they come up.” It’s about the moment. It’s not how you think. It’s how you feel and how much space is in your brain. There is only one place and time: here and now. There is no past. There is no future. To clear additional space in your brain spend the day eating whatever you want. Do not count calories, protein, fat content, starches, ounces, or kilowatts. Do not read any labels on food containers. Steer clear of organic food and any cookbooks that require you to do anything other than boil things in a big pot. Smoke, drink, and generally wander about aimlessly. Do not read any self-help books except this one. Put all other books in a plastic bag curbside. Repeat: “I need space” three times. Go to bed for the balance of the day.
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About the Book
The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book and Other Essays presents a collection of vignettes, narratives, and rants that detail the often absurd business of getting on with life. In an attempt to aspire to a so-called higher life, many of us fear both death and youth, reaching for perfection through the latest technical gadgets that encourage us to cling to preconceived notions of ourselves and to define ourselves through a text message. But is that really any way to truly live? Baby boomer columnist and curmudgeon Sylvia Shawcross believes that satirists have a purpose in this world—to help others to laugh at the absurdity of life. In her second compilation of humorous reflections, Shawcross begins with a hilarious recounting of the frustrating chain of events that occur when she attempts to replace a broken remote at the electronics store and continues with a series of lighthearted essays where she reveals the unconventional and often wacky behavior of those she encounters daily. From the reasons behind rampant consumerism to the forced reprogramming behind ten-digit dialing, Shawcross contemplates issues of global importance while encouraging all of us to wake up and smell the high-priced latté—for sadly, as she says, this is just how it is. The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book and Other Essays provides an eye-opening, amusing glimpse into the mind of a curmudgeon in all her unabashed glory.
About the Author
Sylvia Shawcross is author of the Quebec Community Newspaper Association’s award-winning column How to Lead a Simple Life. A longtime eccentric and resident of Quebec, Canada, she is also author of Never Mind All That, a critically-acclaimed collection of vignettes published in 2006.