A Look To The Future Through The Eyes of an Eighty Year Old Pirate

THE WORST CALLS TO MAKE TO YOUR MOTHER

----“OK, don’t get mad mom, but you know that sex tape you made in your twenties with those bikers in that elementary school…well, we’ll get back to that in a sec, first tell me, how familiar are you with the Internet?”
--“Hey mom, I just got a job masturbating sheep.”
--“No mom, relax, I only occasionally worship the devil.”
--“I’ve always kind of felt like a gerbil trapped in the body of an eel…yes, I’m on acid, mom, why do you ask?”
--“Trust me, it’s a god political move, mom. America’s long past due for a communist president.”
--“Yes I’ve got syphilis, but I wasn’t the one who gave it to the dog…OK, I was, but it was partly his fault.”
--“I’ve got to go mom. I’m getting on a plane with some rock stars.”
--“Hey mother, answer me this. How attached do you think dad is to his car?”
--“I didn’t try to grow them mom, but now your son has breasts. They’re kind of nice.”
--“No mother, I didn’t say that I’ve got cancer. Stop crying. I said chancre.”
--“I just saw grandma. Yep, she’s stripping again.”
--“Hey guess what, mom? I just won the lottery, oh no wait, it’s a draft lottery.”
--“Mom, you want in on this kidnapping?”
--“Momma, I’m coming home for Christmas…and I’m bringing my jug band.”
--“Well sure it’s just my pubic hair, but it’s still an acting job.”
---“No mom, you’ve got it backwards. Mexican jails are much cleaner.”
--“Seriously mother, there’s a positive side to sniffing glue that you never hear about.”
--“I don’t know exactly why I moved there, mom, but somehow I’ve always had a magnetic attraction to landfills.”
--“I know you’ve always told me to avoid a career in gay porn, but when opportunity knocks…”
--“This is AT&T, you have a collect call from your son in the eighth circle of hell, will you accept the charges?”
---“Mom, you’re not going to believe it but they’re naming a new disease after me.”
--“Mom, it’s your son, you know how you always wanted a daughter, well good news…”
--“I won a beauty contest mom. The other guys on my cell block are sooo jealous.”
---“Sky diving’s fun and all, but I think it’d be even more fun without the parachute.”
---“How was I supposed to know that she’s my cousin, mom…well yeah we did meet at the family reunion…oooh, good point, mom.”
--“You know how you always wanted me to pursue a career in medicine, mom? Well, I’m not a doctor, but I am helping the world to learn more about heroin.”
--“Mom, remember that time at Christmas that Uncle Fred told us all why he can’t have babies and his trip to Thailand? Well, funny story…”
--“Hey mom, I just got a job as a traveling sexual lubricant salesman. I can’t wait ‘til Thanksgiving.”