Passengers

from Holden & Anna: My journey continued that day to visit the only man I have ever loved. What should have been another perfect moment was cut short by the truth bubbling on my tongue. I don't know where I got the strength to say it all, but thank God I did. "Holden...I found out that I will not be moving here because all of my money wasn't enough to bring me to school in Kansas and it's really screwed everything else up in my life, but I don't care. I know I will survive and my words will live on in my writing, all I wanted to do was tell you face to face how much I love you, and that I regret nothing at all. I would still to this day trade in everything I own and every small scrap of hope I have to be with you. I love you so much, and I just hope that you don't forget me if I can't be here to hold your hand, kiss you on your birthday, laugh at the jokes in your books written only for me...I swear I will never love you any less than I have, and I know that means gigantic proportions because the love we've shared for the short time we've had together has been more true and pure and unconditional than what most good people receive and give in a lifetime." I had said it all, regardless of the fact that I stared at the buttercups on the ground the entire time. I had lost my pride over the strain of that year. He said nothing. Nothing. Was he in shock? Did I need to get a nurse? My God, I understand it's a blow, but speak! Speak! I needed him too dammit, and inside his little mind he was counting the consequences upon him. Had I let him down? Of course, he loved me and I didn't keep my fucking promises. I stood in the field alone. Yeah, he had long since headed back to the barn. Milk some sympathy from the cows, I thought. I'll talk to the crows and tear out your buttercups. I did, too. * * * * * My greatest dilemma to date: how would I supply myself with enough love to get over Holden? There could be no greater love possible than the unconditional, eternal, yet overrated, love that I had for him. Oh, I swear, if I could have made myself stop loving him, I would have. How dare he deny me so little as a response. You know, it's funny how some people will walk away as though nothing had ever transpired. Paul took the piss-smelling bus to come visit me. He was really the only person I kept in contact with, including those who lived a bedroom over, because I didn't have to pretend around him. I was pure misery at its sourest form. Paul could relate. "See, Anna, it's like I said, love does not exist for everybody. People spitting their pretentious words at me, 'oh, there's someone for everyone. God has a special somebody in mind for you!' Please, it's all a hoax. God doesn't even give people food, shelter, basic health, why the hell would he give everyone romantic love? It's absurd that anyone would even think that. Morons." "Pff. You've got that right." We slouched on the concrete steps, ignoring the pains in our backs and the heat which pulsated through our skin. Fry me alive, God, I dare you. Over Paul's three day stay, I called Holden seven times. Not once did I say anything though. I just wanted to see if he was home, or if he was maybe by some odd chance on his way to Texas. He answered five times though, so it was pretty much hopeless that he had any intention of patching things up. The day after Paul left I uprooted every flower in my mother's garden. I knew she'd be angry, but I didn't care. What was she going to do to me that would make my life worse? The only beauty of the madness, was that I became untouchable. My soul was dead and my heart was with a man who didn't want it, there was nothing God could do to hurt me anymore. I also buried the cross Holden had given me. My father was gleaming, more than when I graduated high school. "You've gotten your brain back, baby," he said. "I'd rather have my heart than my brain, but fortunately for me, my choices have already been made. There's nothing I want to be granted but privacy and permission for shallow thoughts." My father walked away in disgust. No, he hadn't won me back either. I was out of reach now to any man. from Jonathan & Cora: I learned about life before I lived it. That’s what Cora always says, anyway. People tell me that I should have thoughts of my own, and cease to constantly quote my girlfriend, but, what can I say, she has wiser thoughts. Cora and I met during a time of my life which I care not to remember. I was riding the rails between Kansas City and Rincon, New Mexico. The Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe Railroad Company was booming in business and, because of this, busting at the seams with passengers, many of which were broke twenty-somethings like me. I was terrified at first of riding the rails, but nowhere near as terrified as when I encountered Cora. She stood before me dressed in all white; an intricate lace dress which dusted the floor and enveloped her delicate frame. Her hair was neatly smoothed back and tied with a white ribbon. She looked angelic, pure, nearly-flawless. I remember instantly wanting to touch her skin because of the lack of imperfections and the abundance of fair, creamy tones. I could feel, simply by looking, the softness one would encounter in caressing her face. “Jonathan, Cora. Cora, Jonathan.” “Hi,” I uttered. “Why hello,” she said with the easiest smile. I expected her lips must taste like honey for the sweetness in her grin. “I thought it would be interesting to introduce you two,” Pavel chuckled. “What’s so funny?” I annoyingly uttered, glaring at Pavel for mocking my worthiness to occupy the same space as the striking Cora. “Nothing,” he murmured between giggles. “Well, have fun getting to know each other!” Pavel bustled away, still snickering delightfully in his quick exit. I turned to Cora, afraid to approach her with my nervous words and revealing temper, and stated pointedly, “well, I’m sure there’s a reason why he introduced us.” She stood calmly, still smiling easily at me and holding her hands gently together. The pause carried on for at least a minute and then, finally, she responded. “He introduced us because I asked him to.” “Oh,” I whispered. “You see,” she began, “I was grumbling on again and again about how difficult it’s been for me to meet someone, a male you know, and Pavel had this odd idea that we could perhaps be suitable for one another and so he suggested I stop up here today and since it was a lovely day and all, I thought I’d give it a go, so--” This was a remarkable moment. I saw her vulnerability now and it entranced me. She seemed so fragile and childlike when she spoke and I realized her poise did her too much justice. Women like this were exceedingly rare; so cautious to be exposed, and so respectful too, but eager within their eyes to be connected to and under the protection of a man. “So you came. And here we are.” I smiled broadly, and my confidence returned. I requested Cora to take a walk with me, through the faint downtown of Holten, about thirty miles north of Topeka. I wanted to get away from the city for a little while anyway and I was eager to have her company for the ride there and back. She agreed, needing only “two seconds” to be ready which, naturally, turned into twenty minutes. I minded little because it provided me a moment to catch up with Pavel and instruct him on the wisdom of my ways. “Oh, please, Jonathan, give me a break.” I enjoyed witnessing Pavel’s eye-rolling now. “Ok, so big deal. She asked to meet you. You’ve met. And now you’re dragging her up the road to a town in the middle of nowhere so you can witness her being car-sick and bored with your history lesson on the Potawatami Reservation. Wow.” “Say what you’d like, my friend. But that woman will be mine.”