Thriving through Life’s Storms

Overcome Incapacitating Denial. . . I am not ashamed to admit that it is this same denial that has distorted my own perception of reality, resulting in many ill-advised actions and decisions. The consequences of these were devastating for my physical, spiritual, psychological, and emotional well-being. No one can erase the past, whether to iron out denial’s distortions or for any other reason, but we all can learn from it. More to the point, we all must learn from it! Gaining wisdom from our mistakes is the only way to truly learn and grow, to truly empower ourselves. Needless to say, denial by its very nature precludes all this, as it suffocates our “now”. When our “now” is suffocated, we have no prospect of a future and no accurate recollection of the past. During my life’s journey I have witnessed some of the most devastating outcomes that can result from deep-seated denial: murder, abuse, rape, violence, and all sorts of cruelty. These atrocious human constructs have scarred my body, mind, heart, and soul. Every day that I remained in denial, these scars grew deeper and deeper, eroding my spirit. Denial is the enemy of truth, and accepting the truth is the first step to empowerment. As a woman, I have often caught myself forgiving the unforgivable and enduring the unendurable because I was in denial. As is usually the case, that denial distorted my perception of reality. I was living on memories of “good times,” confusing that with reciprocal love in a relationship, and in doing so, I was avoiding the reality of abuse. At least once in our lifetime, we each will likely experience overpowering love—love so strong that it has the potential of becoming an illness that breaks down all our defenses, all our boundaries, leaving us vulnerable to the most dehumanizing forms of deprivation and abuse. I admit I can be pretty naive when I am in love. To save the relationship, I have often jumped into the chasm of abuse, hoping to steal the fire of love, but finding myself caught in a heap of ashes instead. My propensity for fearlessness craved this search for the fire of love, but remember, this kind of recklessness borders on stupidity—and, boy, was I stupid! I have also looked at my own bruises, touched the sore and aching places on my own body, and forced myself to fall asleep so I would no longer have to feel the pain. I have prayed to God that I would not wake up. In such situations, physical pain alone has the ability to pierce through the numbing fog of denial, forcing us to acknowledge that we do not want what we claim to want, what we convince ourselves we want, but as the physical pain eases, the awareness fades away, and the dream returns. But this still reflects the distortions of denial, because the dreams we have in such circumstances can never, and will never, come true. We cannot have a good life if we remain in a situation of physical, mental, or emotional abuse. Period. I had touched the bottom of the abyss. I grew accustomed to picking him up from the mud, dragging his wasted body up the stairs, and smiling at the neighbors who watched our real-life drama as if it were a soap opera. By that time, I was so used to it that I literally thought there was no other way. Unresolved denial leads to resignation. As a woman, I have often caught myself forgiving the unforgivable and enduring the unendurable because I was in denial. As is usually the case, that denial distorted my perception of reality. I was living on memories of “good times,” confusing that with reciprocal love in a relationship, and in doing so, I was avoiding the reality of abuse. At least once in our lifetime, we each will likely experience overpowering love—love so strong that it has the potential of becoming an illness that breaks down all our defenses, all our boundaries, leaving us vulnerable to the most dehumanizing forms of deprivation and abuse. I admit I can be pretty naive when I am in love. To save the relationship, I have often jumped into the chasm of abuse, hoping to steal the fire of love, but finding myself caught in a heap of ashes instead. My propensity for fearlessness craved this search for the fire of love, but remember, this kind of recklessness borders on stupidity—and, boy, was I stupid! I have also looked at my own bruises, touched the sore and aching places on my own body, and forced myself to fall asleep so I would no longer have to feel the pain. I have prayed to God that I would not wake up. In such situations, physical pain alone has the ability to pierce through the numbing fog of denial, forcing us to acknowledge that we do not want what we claim to want, what we convince ourselves we want, but as the physical pain eases, the awareness fades away, and the dream returns. But this still reflects the distortions of denial, because the dreams we have in such circumstances can never, and will never, come true. We cannot have a good life if we remain in a situation of physical, mental, psychological, or emotional abuse. Period. Avoid Procrastination, because Tomorrow May Never Come Now it’s time to explore another roadblock to self-empowerment: procrastination. The toxicity of this behavior is very underestimated in our society, but it nonetheless harms us and others—whether we ourselves are procrastinating or must endure the procrastination of someone else. It is undeniably true that no one knows for sure what “tomorrow may bring,” so when we procrastinate, we are extinguishing the power of the day and the moment. Similarly, when we are forced to abide others’ procrastination, we are also automatically forced to relinquish the power of the present, which belongs to each of us and all of us. Simply put, the present is the only time we have for sure, the only time in which we can take action and know that we are “getting it done.” All procrastination does not arise from the same source. It can stem from needless fear: putting off what we need to do because we are afraid of what might happen, but that type of dread rarely serves any productive purpose. Procrastination can also stem from denial, where we make up and believe all kinds of excuses for why we are putting off what we know we need to do. Laziness, though far less complicated than either needless fear or denial, is another reason why we procrastinate. Clearly, none of these root causes of procrastination are beneficial states or behaviors, and none of them support empowerment or self-improvement. Procrastination, along with whatever is causing it, is a behavior that we must address and move beyond if we want to lead an empowered, successful, fulfilling life. The motto for self-empowerment should be “Seize the day!” It most definitely is not “Waste the day.” Move Beyond Self-Centeredness . . . when we move past self-centeredness, we open our heart and soul to some of the most beautiful and meaningful experiences life has to offer. In a way, true self-empowerment is the opposite of self-centeredness. Self-empowerment takes us past the ego and all its self-centered pettiness and demands—all the internal hardships it creates—and then it expands our view from “I” to “we” to “they.” This is the process of living in tolerance, love, and compassion, which we cannot fully accomplish until we accept ourselves, embrace life, and release the need to control outcomes because we are afraid. Once we prove to ourselves that we can handle whatever we must face—which we best do by overcoming obstacles—we are ready to selflessly give to others. When we give out of need because we are insecure, it never works; the giving will always feel like a sacrifice, because inwardly we are waiting to “get something back” from the other person, no matter how much we tell ourselves otherwise. However, when we give out of abundance, accepting and loving ourselves first (but not in a self-centered way), we truly accept and love others unconditionally because we do not need their acceptance and love to complete us.