Searching for God

2 It was Monday, September 24, 1979 and Julie was bringing me to therapy to see Dr. Brown. He had an office at the mental health clinic. My appointment was for 11:00. It was a dark and dreary fall day. It appeared to be foggy out but not raining. We left the house at 10:45, got there, parked, and got inside within ten minutes. We lived close by, so it didn’t take long to get there. Dr. Brown came out to the waiting room and called my name. He was handsome for a psychiatrist. He was about an inch taller than me, with dark brown hair and going bald on top, just slightly tan skin, but mostly pale white, medium build and was not fat, not even a gut. I went back with him and Julie waited for me in the waiting room. The office we went into was ugly. It was small with a desk, a nice chair behind the desk, but a folding chair for me to sit in. The walls were painted an ugly off yellowish color. There was one window with no curtain and the window was dirty. The floor had a very thick unattractive brown carpet. But Dr. Brown didn’t work out of this clinic all the time, he was a visiting psychiatrist and his other office was near my grandparents. Each time I saw him; we were in a different office. The meeting was only for fifty minutes. Dr. Brown asked me a bunch of questions. He started out with asking me, “Do you hear voices?” I answered, “no.” This was annoying to me because after talking about another 20-25 minutes, he asked me again, “Do you hear voices?” And again, I said, “no.” This doctor was really boring. His voice was so soft I could barely hear him. He didn’t offer conversation. He responded with “What do you think? How does that make you feel?” Every chance he got, he snuck in the question again and again, “Do you hear voices?” After the time was up, I was relieved. It was a true bore being asked three or four times if I heard voices. I wish I had said yes. I think this shrink is cute. He asks me a lot of questions. He asks me the same questions over and over again. He uses the phrase “it sounds like” way too much to the point where it is really obvious that he is repeating back to me everything I say. Once Dad and Julie got pissed off at each other and were yelling and screaming at each other. About ten minutes after I heard the garage door slam, I also heard glass break. I told this to Dr. Brown when he asked me if I heard voices. But I was replaying the incident in my head. I wasn’t actually hearing voices. This stopped him from asking that question over and over again. When the session was over, I went out to the waiting room and Julie was waiting for me I was seeing Dr. Brown every Monday. On Monday, October 1, 1979, Julie took me to the clinic. Dr. Brown’s office was different this time. This session I started to describe parts of my childhood to Dr. Brown. I decided to jump right into describing my childhood as soon as Dr. Brown asked me. The first situation I told him about was when the babysitter’s brother touched me. It happened when I was about four years old. “We lived on a hill, in a white house, on Park Street in Mayville. It was 1970, in April and a warm spring day. I was not yet five years old. We had a fenced in backyard with a sandbox and swing set. I loved to be in my backyard on the swings. Our neighbor had a teenage daughter, Terry. She babysat now and then when my parents went out. She had a younger brother and his name was Michael. He liked to walk by our backyard every day and say “hi.” We trusted our babysitter and so we trusted Michael, too. One day Michael walked over to our house and started to talk to us. I was four years old, going on five very soon. My sister, Connie, was three and a half. We didn’t have a lot of “stranger danger” training in 1970. My sister and I had sweaters on because the air was crisp. Connie had small blue eyes, naturally curly reddish-blonde hair; she was petite and shy. She wore red and white plaid pants with a solid orange long sleeve shirt and a cute plaid-matching tie. She also was wearing a red sweater. We were walking around in our backyard. Even though I was only four going on five, I looked like I was six or seven years old. I had big blue eyes, sandy brown hair, a long face, and a long nose. I look like my father. I was wearing the same shirt, pants, and tie that my sister had on. I was taller, looked older, and I was much friendlier and talkative, than my sister. I was on the swing, Michael walked by and said “Hey girls, wanna’ play at the school playground?” It was also Saturday, and school was not in session. I said, “Sure, when do you want to go?” And Michael answered, “How about right now?” I then replied, “Okay, let me get off this swing.” I was swinging higher and higher. I counted out loud with a joyful voice and yelled, “ONE, TWO, THREE! WEEEEEEEE! And here I go.” I jumped off the swing and couldn’t wait to go to the playground with my sister and Michael. Michael was about 11 or 12 years old, I think. He looked like a teenager because he was big for his age. He had Italian olive skin, straight black hair that was long, almost past his neck, and his bangs were in his eyes. His hair was usually greasy looking every time he stopped by. He had light brown eyes. Michael always wore black t-shirts and blue jeans. This particular day he had a black sweatshirt with a hood. He had a husky build and wore black sneakers. I think black was his favorite color. I don’t think he changed his clothes much because he smelled musty, too. The playground didn’t have anyone else there but the three of us. First, we got on the swings and I loved the swings. He changed back and forth, first pushing me and then pushing Connie. Michael got bored after awhile and looked over to grab a ball he saw on the playground. I saw him staring into the wooded area near by. “Hey girls, how about playing catch with the ball I just found?” I said “Okay.” I jumped off the swing, helped my little sister and then we started tossing the ball back and forth. Then after tossing it around a few times, he kicked the ball, way, way out into the field, near the woods. He then said, “One, on your mark, two, get set, THREE, GO!” We all chased the ball and started kicking it. The final kick was from Michael; he kicked the ball into the woods. It was early April and still chilly outside. The woods were not a very nice place to me. It was colder and darker. It wouldn’t get warm because the tall trees blocked the sun. Michael told me to wait. He took Connie by her hand and walked into the woods away from me until I couldn’t see them. I told him, as he walked away, “Don’t take too long.” While I was waiting innocently standing in the dark and scary woods, I heard a loud noise. It was a squirrel rustling up some fall leaves. This was scary to me and I jumped. Then some birds flew over my head making more noise. I got very anxious and I decided to scream MICHAEL! Michael and Connie came back to where I was standing pretty fast. Michael sounded out of breath and asked, “What’s the matter?” “I’m scared, where’s the ball, did you find it?” I asked. Michael said, “no, what’s your problem you big baby?” I told him in a snotty but bossy voice, “You need to take us home right now!” Then Michael treated me like a baby and called me names all the way back to the house. Dr. Brown then asked me the official shrink question, “How did that make you feel?” I answered, “I don’t remember, it was nine years ago.” Dr. Brown then said, “Oh, time is up, we have to end.” “Okay, there’s more, I’ll tell you next time.” I said.