Chicken Coop for a Rubber Sole

The Sex Diet The best-selling books are diet books and cookbooks. They do well because they really promote sex, and sex is what sells everything. Cookbooks tell you how to make meals romantic enough to impress members of the opposite sex (as if she will want to jump into your sack at the mere taste of your flambé); diet books tell you if you were thinner you would look younger and sexier. Of course, diet cookbooks win on both counts. The clear message is that if we do a good job with either, or both, we will get more sex. In fact, we will buy just about anything if we think it will result in a) more sex, or b) looking sexier. As a result, the public is ready – no, anxious – to learn about the sex diet. I have studied a number of diets and I am amazed at how many contradict one another. There are high-fat and low-carbohydrate diets. There are high-carbohydrate and low-fat diets. There are diets that allow both as long as they are not consumed at the same time. Diets that dictate what you can eat based on your blood type. Diets that suggest you can eat as much as you want and anything you want as long as you have a glass of water between each bite. And so on. They all claim to work, and they are all popular. Each week the grocery store checkout stand displays numerous books and magazines touting the latest, greatest diet, right there where you can pick up a copy conveniently along with your Laura Secord cake, case of cola, and a gargantuan chocolate bar. The old model of yesterday’s grey-haired, out-of-shape fifty-year-old is long gone, and we boomers are obsessed with searching for the magic that will make us look eternally youthful. We want to be as sexy as some of our fifty- or sixty-something movie heroes, like Cher, Glenn Close, or Dustin Hoffman. Why is it that plastic surgery seems to allow women to stay young and beautiful forever while men turn out looking like Michael Jackson? Based on the number of gurus showing us the way, I have come to the conclusion that anyone can call themselves an expert on the most effective way to lose weight by simply inventing their own program, so here is mine. I call it the Sex Diet. It’s called the Sex Diet for two reasons. First, because sex is really the outcome we are in search of, so the name has real marketing potential. Second, on my diet you can eat anything you want, as long as you eat it only while having sex. Don’t laugh. After all, who craves potato chips while playing slap and tickle? Most cravings disappear as soon as you remove your clothing. In fact, for some it is too much bother to undress for a snack, so unless you enjoy sex with your clothes on, the amount eaten will be immediately reduced. Those who are willing to strip down find that suddenly the thought of eating disappears or the types of food they desire suddenly changes. Gone are the cravings for over processed, high-calorie foods. One look in the mirror and your brain is probably screaming, “Diet food!” Immediately, and without any conscious thought, cravings shift to more natural food items. The next time you are being intimate, ask yourself: Would I sooner have a big plate of spaghetti right now or a banana? Even if you unwittingly choose the spaghetti, are you going to “take a break” to make it? Besides, you simply can’t eat that much pasta while frolicking through the covers. There is a lot to be said for this diet. While the thought of whipping cream may still be exciting to some, an electric mixer in bed poses too many dangers for most of us. Ice cream gets ruled out as soon as it touches someplace unfriendly to cold foods. Likewise, buttered popcorn is too messy. Anything that requires a knife, fork or other sharp utensil tends to cause a loss of concentration. Popsicles not only fit into the cold category, but if the sticks are flung about carelessly in the heat of the moment, you could lose an eye. (Let that happen just once, and you can imagine the warning labels government will demand be printed on the wrappers.) Foods that suit this program are limited to those that can be eaten with one hand, do not require utensils, and are not crumbly or sticky. Hot foods can cause as much anxiety as cold foods. Delivered foods are an option, but you know that pizza is going to show up at exactly the wrong time. There is no denying the effectiveness of this diet. You are probably already looking forward to your next meal. For those who can’t wait to buy a copy of my Sex Diet book, I make this humble offer. If enough of you send me $19.95 for a copy, I will actually sit down and write it.