Mishaps, Mayhem, & Menopause

I was in the beauty parlor on New Year's Eve when the subject of holiday eating came up. Everyone groaned in agreement that, yes, we ate more than we should and now we must pay the price. We were astonished when one lady confessed she'd eaten ninety-five percent of a six pound cake and then added, "Practically nothing fits!" I'm not surprised. Another lady threatened to have her jaws wired until all the Easter candy gets eaten in the spring. A third gal was saying something about a fast when the salon door swung open. In walked a heavy set lady carrying a box of goodies and, chattering cheerily, she passed the box around to the depressed group. The lady who had bemoaned eating the cake looked longingly at the treats and cocking her head as if in serious thought, she said, "Actually I do still have two things that fit!" and she helped herself. So did the rest of us. Where does one go to have one's jaws wired; the dentist or the orthodontist?**** Dressed to visit a friend in the hospital I was putting on my coat and the thought occurred to me that perhaps I should have gone to the little girl's room before getting to this stage of dress. But, because I had on panties, pantyhose, pantygirdle, a body suit, slacks with a zipper, a buckle and a belt, and now a coat too, it was just more trouble than I felt was really necessary. Besides, I have always had a very cooperative bladder. Not surprisingly, the hospital parking lot was full which meant I had to park a long way from the entrance. Naturally, walking in all that wind and cold added to my discomfort, but once inside I was okay again. My friend's room was on the seventh floor and I think the elevator stopped with a bounce on five of those floors. Still, I could handle it. Since I was her only visitor that evening, I stayed until visiting hours were over. She had been close to dying when she was hospitalized and it was good to see her feeling well enough to enjoy company. When we said goodbye I rode the bouncy elevator back down to the main lobby and was soon out in the windy, cold night air again. Approaching my car, I noticed that a black Toyota truck had parked next to me. I try to be cautious when out alone at night so I scanned the area for anything out of the ordinary. Satisfied that all was well, I walked between the two vehicles and proceeded to unlock my door. All of a sudden, right at the back of my head, came this ferocious barking. I turned in stark terror and came face to face (Toyota trucks aren't very tall) with the biggest German Shepherd I had ever seen. He completely filled the cab of that truck and every tooth in his mouth was exposed. I was so traumatized, I don't even remember opening the door and getting into my car, but the relief to my bladder was sensational***