Surrogacy and Embryo, Sperm, & Egg Donation: What Were You Thinking?

Chapter 4 Facing Infertility as a Team With the increase of negative stories surrounding surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation and embryo donation/adoption, one might be led to believe that there is a backlash brewing against these forms of starting one’s family. That is exactly why it is important for those of us involved in this industry to continue to educate those considering surrogacy, egg & sperm donation, embryo donation and adoption, as well as those who will be touched by it in some way. We also need to acknowledge that we need to turn infertility on its head by referring to it as fertility options and/or assisted conception. Most importantly, we must promote that third party reproduction is not an adventure that one travels alone; instead, it should be seen as a journey that must include both an experienced crew and passengers alike. That is why considering third party reproduction can certainly be an emotionally daunting task for anyone. You must not only face your own inability to carry a child or use your own genetic materials; you may also face the fact that someone else will be carrying your child for nine long months without you being present each and every second of the day. Furthermore, it is that someone that you will need to understand and learn to trust with your most precious cargo. Even with sperm, egg or embryo donation, you must learn to face that the child you (or your Surrogate) will be carrying is not genetically your own. Despite this fact, it is still a child who will be cherished by you and your loved ones all the same. In our experience, the majority of Surrogate, sperm, egg or embryo donation arrangements that do not work out or that fail at some point along the way, involve either independent (those arranged without the use of an agency) or even unadvised situations (those arranged without the use of an attorney). Despite the financial considerations that go along with these arrangements, Intended Parents must protect themselves, as well as protect their Surrogates, Sperm, Egg and Embryo Donors, and future children, by working together with a team of professionals who can guide them as they begin and continue their most wonderful journey. We certainly believe that this book is essential to have throughout the process, as well as in the beginning to help you deal with the first important question – where do I start? My job is to be your guide as you face certain issues, ethical dilemmas and the questions that you never thought that you would have when you first decided to have a child. In fact, this book is essential because it will help you select the right members of your team: including the IVF clinic & doctor, the reproductive lawyer, the psychologist, the agency, the insurance specialist, the counselor, and the escrow/trust company, to name just a few. We want to help guide you in the privacy of your own home through the legal red tape, as well as help you select the right team players as they are essential. And, in doing so, you need to be certain that these players will do their job as agreed and help you make the right decisions that may affect your future child, as well as your pocketbook. Now, one of the most important first steps is to get your own thoughts in order. If you are still unsure of how to proceed or where to look, ask questions, questions and more questions. And, remember, that no question is stupid (or silly) unless you do not ask it! And, no one wants to end up stupid in this sort of situation. You can either begin with your doctor, your attorney, your psychologist, your best friend, your family, your local Resolve chapter, the AFA, PVED or INCIID (note: all of these organizations contacts are provided at the end of this book). Just be aware that there is always someone to listen and talk with you who either deals with this daily or has gone through this situation themselves. You are not alone! Next, as stated above, you need to find the right team players. Just as in the NBA, a team will not make it to the Finals unless the right players are there to advise you and help you along the way. This is not an endeavor that one should travel alone. Just as you would not try to climb Mount Everest without the proper training, supplies and guide; surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, and even adoption, are not something you want to turn to without the proper help and guidance from those who are experienced, dedicated and professional. Future chapters will go into greater details on each of these team members; however, I will touch upon each one to start. Of course, you will need a dedicated, warm and compassionate IVF physician who can provide you with the appropriate medical advice for your situation. Your physician must have a reliable, caring staff, an on site coordinator, an on site counselor, an experienced and qualified embryologist, as well as a well equipped surgery center and laboratory. Verify your physician’s credentials and check what their percentages of births are in relation to the type of procedures that they perform. Their percentages are not the sole indicators of their success; however, they are a good measurement tool. You should next consider an attorney who specializes in the field of reproductive law. He or she should be experienced, dedicated and caring, not just an attorney who believes that they can draft up this sort of agreement with only minimal guidance. The attorney’s office staff must also be caring and compassionate because they are often the ones whom you will call when you are depressed, angry, upset or just need to talk. Furthermore, your attorney should be one who can both advise you and counsel you in this very delicate, yet legally confusing, area of your life. Certainly, an attorney who specializes in egg donation, embryo donation, surrogacy (both traditional and gestational), insurance issues, and trust administration is the best to handle your dream of a child so that you will not have to hire a new attorney/counselor for each step in this process. Most important, you must remember that the legal portion of your surrogacy, sperm, egg, or embryo donation arrangement is usually the most inexpensive cost that you will incur; however, it is certainly one of the most important aspects of your journey. Equally, a qualified psychologist and an agency are two other aspects of your well arranged team that should not be overlooked or chosen without some research. The agency should be well versed, compassionate and willing to work with you throughout your questions, concerns and financial arrangements. The agency should be the member of the team that schedules all of the appointments, arranges counseling, handles any issues that arise in your arrangement, and guides you through all of the endless footwork. Speak with the agencies that you are interested in, speak with their directors and staff and visit with them if possible. As well, your psychologist must be one who is compassionate and experienced in this area of practice. Finally, once you have done all of your homework and selected the members of your team, you will be ready to move forward to the starting line. Nothing in this field is guaranteed; however, with the right timing the right attitude and thorough preparation, you can rest assured that you will have done everything that you can to make your journey as smooth and error free as possible. Certainly, you may encounter a few bumps in the road along the way; however, this book will continue to be there as a guide as you find that you have additional questions, concerns or issues.