Wriggly Rex: Amoral Leader

The radio crackled, “This is Political Director Evan Badger, together with Rex Wrigley, the victim of—just kidding Rex—the focus of our KNFO Spotlight today, in a live telephone interview. Rex, what possessed you to run for the U.S. Senate after that humiliating defeat in your last try at state office? We all thought that was the end of your political career.” “Well, Evan, I will never be popular with the left wing pacifist fringe, but solid, common-sense, conservative, Christians demanded that I run for office again after the slimy hatchet job by the liberal media in my last election.” “Rex, can you explain why voters should choose you over Clyde Hoogendyck after the character questions that were raised in your last race?” “I have a documented record as a moral leader with hard-won Christian values—there aren’t many of us left. The great hero Winston Churchill and the brilliant American writer Edgar Allan Poe and I have all struggled against Old Beelzebub, and my character is forged in steel as a result.” “Umm, Rex,” the announcer’s voice seemed alternately choked and muffled, as if he were talking through giggles, “what economic program can voters expect you to support?” “It is a proven fact that cutting taxes drives the economy by increasing tax collections. Your top earners are out in front pulling our wagon while all the lazy liberal good-for-nothings on welfare try to grind our great economic engine to a halt. Government isn’t the solution, it’s the problem.” “Rex, I recollect that your documented record of steely-forged character included being found minimally-clad and drunk, in the back seat of a limousine, with …” “And I remember representing your wife in court, Evan,” Rex replied, “when you backhanded her across …” There was the sound of a muffled curse and then an amplified click. “Well, that concludes our live telephone link with senatorial candidate Rex Wrigley, and as a surprise for Rex, and a special treat to our listeners, we continue our KNFO Spotlight with an unusual, you might even say bizarre, pre-recorded telephone interview with Mrs. Blanche Wrigley, Rex’s lovely wife. “Mrs. Wrigley, how has Rex changed since his last electoral defeat?” Blanche’s flat, matter-of-fact voice answered, “Rex has always been the same irresponsible scamp who got me in trouble at sixteen. My reward for that little indiscretion was the six years of waitressing that put him through law school. Some men mature late, some never do. Life with Rex is an adventure.” “Mrs. Wrigley, what can you tell our listeners about your life as a political wife?” “In life, Evan, men make all the fancy speeches and sincere promises and leave the women to clean up the messes. Marriage is no exception.” “You must take great satisfaction at Rex’s recognition and success.” “The more I see of Rex, the more I value the companionship of my darling Pomeranian Trixie. At my age, it is nice to have something to do with my hands.” “I understand you play a vital role in the campaign,” Badger said. “Twice a week I inspect the campaign office for cleanliness and neatness. The girls in his office wouldn’t know a dust bunny if it bit them in the ass.” “Mrs. Wrigley is the living embodiment of the old adage: Behind every successful man, there really is a successful woman. Thank you so much for your time today. “And now for a sane point of view, we continue our KNFO Spotlight on Rex Wrigley with a live interview with his opponent, Clyde Hoogendyck. Clyde, were you surprised with Rex Wrigley entered the race against you, considering his colorful history?” “The great thing about America is that everyone gets a second chance,” Hoogendyck said, “or in Rex’s case, a third, a fourth, and I’ve lost track of all the chances he’s gotten. You begin to wonder if it is just a character defect, God bless his soul.” “Clyde, how do you evaluate his economic theories?” “Well, calling them voodoo economics would be charitable,” Hoogendyck said. “This particular barroom myth was sketched on a napkin with an eyebrow pencil. Conservatives who believe these wild-eyed academic brainstorms must drink their proofs from a bottle.” “Are you concerned about Rex’s emerging religious support?” “Some doomsday cults masquerading as Christian fundamentalists are blasting away at our precious constitution to destroy the wall between church and state. Rex might get their votes, but in my Baptist congregation, he would only demonstrate the consequences of moral weakness to our youngsters. True conservatives believe that God helps those who help themselves.” “Clyde, do you have any last words for our listeners?” “Just a question. Would you hire a drunk babysitter?”