3 Things I Wouldn't Do for Money

The only people I’ve ever heard of who even talked about astrological signs were the morons who sat on bar stools asking people what their signs were. So I consulted an encyclopedia, and the section under “Astrology” tells me that one’s temperament and destiny depend upon the zodiacal constellation under which he is born. With our knowledge of medicine today, we know the date a woman gives birth can vary from the expected due date, sometimes crossing zodiacal lines. Does this mean the poor person waiting inside may have to keep changing his personality back and forth until his mother decides when she will give birth?

I happen to be very closely involved in this subject, for you see, I am one of a pair of identical twins. We were named Vivian and Velma, and we were due August 22. We knew nothing about the zodiac until our mother went to a lecture one day, and of course, we had no choice but to sit there in her womb and listen. We were amazed by what we learned. Since August 22 was our due date, that meant we were Leos, and we laughed when we heard all the adjectives describing our personalities. Leos are described as ambitious, courageous, dominant, strong willed, positive, independent, self-confident—the list is so long you would have to be a Leo just to get through it. And there was also the dark side—we were pompous, bossy, intolerant, patronizing … It sounded like so much fun we could hardly wait to get out and start annoying people.

As we approached the twenty-second of August, we had grown so much there was barely enough room for the both of us. Neither of us would give an inch as we tried to assume the dominant position in the womb.

On the big day, Mother refused to stay home. She and my father had been invited to a bridge party, and she said she felt fine and had plenty of time to go to the party and then check in at the hospital afterwards. Velma was mad.

“Don’t you see what could happen?” she said. “If she doesn’t let us come out before midnight, we’ll be Virgos!”

I thought back to that lecture, and all I could remember about Virgos was that they were dependable, orderly, neat … This sounded so boring I had quit listening. I sure didn’t want to miss our due date for that.

The hours passed, and Mother kept sitting there playing cards. So she was feeling fine, was she? We’d take care of that. We began kicking and pounding on her until she was crying out in pain. Father pulled her up and dragged her out of the room.

By the time we got to the hospital, it was eleven fifty. How could she do this to us?

We heard the doctor say, “I think one of them is about to come out.” And that was the last thing I heard for a few moments, as without warning, Velma turned and hit me as hard as she could and I was temporarily stunned. I lost consciousness for a moment, and the next thing I knew....