Growing Catholics

Congratulations! You are the parent. As a child, you may have fantasized about being a parent. Perhaps you remember telling your own parents, “I can’t wait until I have kids. I’m going to let them do whatever they want.” Well, now is your chance. You’ve made it to the point in your life where you get to determine the rules. Contrary to the belief of the two-year-old or adolescent that says, “You’re not the boss of me,” you are the boss! What kind of boss will you be? What rules will you truly make? As a parent, chances are likely you do not let your children do whatever they want as you may have once told your parents. There is a clear, scientific explanation for this. As a child contemplating parenting styles, the pre-frontal lobe (the part of the brain that makes decisions) is not fully developed. As an adult with a fully developed brain, discerning the consequences of letting children do whatever they want becomes clear. This understanding leads parents to the idea of setting boundaries (also known as being mean). There is a poem by Bobbie Pingaro called The Meanest Mother that begins with the complaints of a son whose mother who made him eat healthy, take baths, get plenty of rest, do chores, tell the truth, be responsible, be respectful, and study. The poem concludes with the following line: Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean. Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in the whole world. Children may believe parents exist for the sole purpose of being mean to them. However, parents exist to guide children until each child’s pre-frontal lobe is fully developed (in the early to mid 20s for most). It is this scientific fact regarding brain development that prevents parents from allowing a one-year-old to make the decision about whether or not to get an immunization shot that involves sticking a sharp needle in their arm that WILL hurt. A one-year-old cannot discern the benefits of such a painful experience. This is why the job of parenting is so important. There is a true, scientific need for parental intercession and guidance. Spiritually, the need for parental intercession is also evident. A summary of the NFCYM Data by Robert McCarty, D.Min., reports, “the single most important influence on the religious and spiritual lives of adolescents is their parents.” Although it is not a guarantee, it is the best predictor that if a parent has strong faith, his or her children have strong faith. The NFCYM Data provides information about how often Catholic teenagers in the study attend Mass and how often they would attend Mass if it were up to them (rather than their parents). The exact same percentage (33%) was true for both questions, thus acknowledging the parental influence. Teenagers like parents to believe they are not paying attention to them, but the research consistently tells us the opposite is true. In the 1980s there was a television sitcom called “Who’s the Boss” starring actor Tony Danza. Tony’s character was a live-in housekeeper to a single mother and her child. In the show, it was sometimes unclear whether the housekeeper or the mother was in charge of the house. It was comical. What is not comical, however, is the fact we can probably recognize this same condition between parents and children in today’s reality. Children like to persuade parents that they know what is best. Children seek empowerment. For years, parents have empowered children to choose what breakfast cereal to place in the grocery cart, but today this empowerment does not always stop in the grocery store aisle. Some children are empowered by parents to decide issues their underdeveloped brains may not be ready to make such as, “Do I need to go to church? Do I need to have faith?” Now, stop and think about the decisions you empower your children to make, then think about your baptismal promise to bring your child up in the practice of the faith. Are you fulfilling your commitment while their pre-frontal lobe is being developed? You are the boss. Do not let a child convince you they are more qualified than you to make important decisions about faith, because even science tells us otherwise. Science aside, even Jesus experienced parents. Joseph and Mary guided Jesus and taught Him many things. Our all-powerful God certainly could have placed Jesus on earth without an earthly mother or father. He created Adam and Eve without parents. Through the birth of Jesus, our Creator seems to be confirming the importance of parents. If not for the intercession of my parents, I may not know faith today. It is possible, through the work of the Holy Spirit, to come to know faith without parental influence, but my experience in teaching children and adults confirms parents make a difference. So at least until children leave the proverbial nest, parental intercession is necessary. That is the job of parent, boss, mean person, and rule maker. Whether you are making a decision about going to Mass or what cereal to buy, please realize the importance of this ministry. Just as in the poem at the beginning of this chapter, I ask you as you read on: Do you love your children enough to let them call you “mean” for doing what’s right, even when it’s not popular?