Resolutions

jan 6th poem Open carton of combination fried rice on the desk and a can of Coke and a bottle of Cap'n and a plastic party cup. A pen and paper and the laptop's keyboard. Mindless television white noise and flickering bright colors not so much a distraction as a waking coma. And the drama drama drama everyone all day everyday drama. He did She said They went and "OMG didjahear???" Sure did, don't care. We all live with anger and disappointment and the worry that we should be doing better. We all live with thoughts of sorrow and loneliness and then there's the all too brief moment... The flicker, the glimpse, the recognition of everything that it is and the smile that goes with. And then it's just back to the booze, the distractions, the drama, and the words. may 2nd poem I took a walk today, strolling through the empty streets "just like anyone" in my headphones to keep a steady rhythm and my spirits high there was rain on the horizon that seemed like it might never fall and I smelled, for what felt like the first time in years, spring arriving. Beyond the hot asphalt that had just been applied was a smell of things blooming and for a brief moment I was reminded of everything I'd read about "walking meditation" and I forgot about the night before, and the week before, and the month, and year- all of my life slipped away for just one brief untouchable moment before it all came back. My eyes welled, though I convinced myself it was the rain, or something in the air. It wasn't, but I can pretend. And I kept walking. 5 miles later I was home, sticking with sweat, my feet aching to remove their boots, and I sat in the cool dark of my basement apartment and I dwelled. I went right back to everything that I had been able to keep just ahead of while walking. I cheated myself by giving up my forward motion. I've not been able to pick up the momentum again since sitting down. I made a mistake. One more in a line of so many. I should've kept walking.