Fingerpainting in Psych Class

The Approach

Any time I approach a child, I do it confidently. Not confident in the sense I know exactly what I’m going to say and do in every situation. But confident that when the dust settles, the child I am working with will have chosen to cooperate and work with me.

When I ask a child to do something, I have a mindset where I would be completely surprised if she didn’t do exactly what I ask. At the same time, the child in front of me has free will. She might choose to cooperate with me or, then again, she might not. I know and remind myself of that, too.

If the child chooses to cooperate, she can expect a compliment from me. Comments like, “Hey, thanks for working with me on that,” or “I wasn’t sure you were going to do what I said, but I’m glad you did; thanks,” go a long way, not only toward heading off future problems, but building a spirit of cooperation in the parent and child relationship.

But, if a child is uncooperative, then I know it’s time to regroup and go to Plan B. At that specific time, I don’t really know what Plan B is because, remember, I was totally expecting the child to be cooperative. Parents don’t have to have all the answers. Not knowing what to say or do is normal and completely okay. It takes time and patience to arrive at the best course of action.

So when that happens, I clear my head, make sure my emotions are in check, and strategize on what I might do next. Parents need to be great tacticians. Remember, it is not about control. All you are trying to do, and all you can ever do, is come up with a strategy to increase the likelihood your child will be cooperative. Again, I do this from a place of confidence. I am the boss and the child is not.

Parents can usually take their time with Plan B. The ball is in their court. If you find yourself in this position, tell the child you are disappointed she is not seeing things your way. Let her know you will now have to come up with a consequence, but you’ll have to get back to her because it might take a little while to come up with just the right one. Tell your child you don’t want to make the consequence too harsh or extreme, just severe enough to help her see the light and realize she needs to comply with your request. You can even say, “But hey, in the meantime, if you should decide to do what I asked, that would be great. Then, we can avoid all this nasty consequence and punishment business.”

Your child will probably then ask, “What are you going to do?” or “What punishment?” Be nonchalant. Tell her you are not sure yet, but since it is a consequence, the chances are she won’t like it. Remind her again it is not too late to make the whole thing go away by just following your instruction. Leave her with the words, “But listen. It’s your choice. Please try to make it a good one.”

With this technique, a child’s imagination works in your favor. In her mind, she will go down the list of possible consequences you might decide to use. She will think, “What if she takes my phone? She wouldn’t take my phone, would she? No, wait. Jodi is supposed to come over to spend the night. What if Mom tells me she can’t come?” Many times, the consequences your child thinks of will be worse than consequences you are considering.

Sometimes I ask older children or teens if they know what their parents are required by law to do for them. Many don’t, so I tell them. All parents have to do is provide food, shelter, clothing, and an education, plus make sure a child gets medical care when it is needed. Everything else kids have only because of their parents’ generosity, benevolence, and love. No law says parents have to give their children cell phones, karate lessons, cars, money for the movies, designer clothes, or new baseball mitts. Neither is there a law that states children automatically get to play video games, watch TV, go outside, talk on the phone, or have a friend over if their behavior is not what it should be.

Parents need to realize they hold all the cards. What I mean by “cards” is parents have control over virtually everything in a child’s environment, privileges and possessions most children take for granted. This means parent-child interactions could be viewed as a high- stakes poker game. The parents have a whole handful of positive attention and “I love you” cards, a good number of shaping behavior cards, some earned privileges and rewards cards, a few imposed consequence cards, and even one or two punishment cards to play as they see fit during the game. On the other side of the table, the child has only two cards she made out of construction paper, so they easily stand out from the real deck. One card says “I will cooperate” while the other card says “I will not cooperate.”

Since the child has no other playing cards, she has little choice but to: 1) trick you into thinking she actually has other cards, possibly even the winning hand; 2) take some of your cards when you’re not looking; 3) cry inconsolably so you will feel sorry for her and fold; 4) make you think you’re really playing a different game; 5) get you to question your card-playing ability, or 5) call you a cheater and draw you into a shootout.

But if you maintain a good poker face and never once bluff, kids eventually play the one good card they have. They will choose to cooperate. They will see that the game is over. And, depending on how many times they played the “I will not cooperate” card, they might feel the need to do some personal damage control. They will probably be extra nice for a while so maybe you will give back some of their “chips.”

Painting Tip: If a child can’t go around you, over you, under you or through you, they will usually start working with you.