The Angel God Loaned Me

Chapter 1 The night is cold and seems much darker and emptier than I ever remember it being before. I can’t sleep tonight; thoughts are racing through my mind faster than I can keep up with them. Memories flood every facet of my soul almost as if it’s a slide show being played. Every word, every feeling, every sound is so very clear to me as if I’m living it all for the very first time. I have to move in order to clear my head. I must get up from this corner of the couch that I have grown to retreat to. Slowly I stand up to check on the kids, who are sleeping peacefully. Tyler and Jimmy have kicked off their covers again. I cover them up; gently kiss them on the forehead and whisper, “I love you”. Ryan is sleeping so soundly that he doesn’t move when I turn off the TV, kiss the top of his head and say, “I love you so much my little man.” Then I pass the room Annie is supposed to be in. My heart hurts the closer I get to that door. My shaking hand reaches the doorknob and I start to turn it. I stop - I can’t. I just can’t open it knowing when I do I’ll see just an empty bed. With my hand still on the doorknob, I lean my head against the door and say in a broken whisper, “I love you Annie.” For it was just that afternoon I went into her room, climbed on her bed to wake her only to find her non-responsive and to lose her later this day. Anger, sadness and pain start to overtake me. Why is this happening now? She was coming so far and getting better! Why can’t I make this pain stop hurting so badly? Will my heart ever be the same again? Silent tears start flowing down my face. I made my way back to the living room finding my familiar, comfortable corner on the couch where I sat pulling my legs underneath me and just stared blankly out the window at the night… My mind wanders off again to thoughts of long ago. Hugging my legs tighter, I lean into the back of the couch and stare aimlessly out the living room’s large picture window into the night and let thoughts of the past take over. On March 7th our lives changed. I was still in my van when I arrived at the hospital and saw Ed. I stopped as he started walking toward me. The look on his face caused my heart to drop. “Ed? What is it?” I tried holding back tears. The closer he got to me the more nervous I became. He reached into the window, grabbed my arm and said, “My baby’s gone Tina! Oh God my baby’s gone!” “Who Ed? What baby?” I screamed. “Tasha. She’s gone Tina what do I do?” I couldn’t say anything my heart just broke. Tawnee and Annie! What about Tawnee and Annie? He turned and walked back into the hospital not saying anything else. I still couldn’t speak a word. I started to cry. “Oh my God! Please no.” I prayed as I jumped out of my van leaving it where it was. I didn’t think to park it; I just left it in the pick up and drop off lane. I ran into the hospital where I saw members of Ed’s family. They just looked at me not saying anything. As I walked in I saw Ed again. He put his arm around me and led me to another room. Christy hugged me saying, “Tasha’s gone Tina.” “I know, Ed told me outside – how are Tawnee and Annie?” I asked impatiently and trying to stay in control of my emotions. “Tawnee’s gonna be fine, she has a broken rib and they’re checking her for internal injuries.” “Okay and Annie? How’s Annie, can I see her?” No one said anything. I turned looking for Ed but he left the room. “Is someone gonna say something?” I yelled. Just then an older woman came to me. Later I found out she was a social worker for the hospital. “Are you the other girl’s mother?” she asked. The other girl? “I’m Annie’s Mom.” I said making sure she understood my daughter has a name. She put her hands on my arms, held them firmly and said, “Your daughter’s not here. She was transported to OSU because we could only handle two traumas at one time, so I suggest you get there right away. I will tell you it doesn’t look like she’s gonna make it. They have her in SICU.” I looked around in shock. I broke free from her grasp and turned to go, just run to my daughter. As I got to the check in desk I realized I didn’t know where Ohio State University Hospital was or how to get there. I looked at the guard behind the desk and asked, “Can you please tell me how to get to OSU?” “Sure,” he said grabbing a piece of paper to write directions for me. “Go toward State Street, to Broad. Then take Broad all the way, no wait a minute. You can take State Street too. Well that may be a little longer.” What the hell is this? It’s like a scene from a movie! He started scratching out the directions he has already written to start over. I can’t take it; I slammed my hands on the counter and said, “Just give me some kind of directions! I don’t have time for this! I need to get to my daughter NOW!” Please God, let her be okay. I love her so much. Please take care of her and let me get there soon. “She’s gonna be fine Tina, you have to believe that,” Bill said as comforting as he could. “Are we almost there? How much longer?” I was so lost. “It’s right up here.” We pulled into the parking garage and I held my swollen stomach hoping this stress didn’t affect the baby. I couldn’t handle that now. We went inside and straight to the fourth floor to SICU. Somehow we got turned around and went in an authorized personnel only entrance. The nurse’s station was located in the middle of a horseshoe shaped unit with a young lady sitting there reading. As we walked to the desk I noticed there was a lot of activity going on in a room located to the left side behind the desk. It was full of commotion and there must have been six people in there. I just stared almost as if I was drawn to that room. “Can I help you?” she asked. I couldn’t take my eyes off that room. She was in there and I knew it. Again and more irritated I heard a voice say, “Can I help you?” “My name is Tina Guccione. My daughter was brought here by life flight due to an accident and I’m looking for her. Her name is Annie; she’s 13 and has blonde hair. Can you tell me where she is?” I was as pleasant as I could be under the circumstances. She looked at some papers and said, “There’s no one by that name here and her description doesn’t sound familiar to me at all. I’m sorry, but check the ER she’s probably there.” She went back to her reading. I looked at Bill and said, “The lady at Grant said she was in SICU.” The receptionist answered as if I were talking to her and said very matter of fact, “I think I would know if someone fitting that description was here and I assure you she’s not. You did not get good information.” She sat there and stared at me. Just as I started to answer her with the same consideration that she showed me, Bill interrupted me. “Let’s just go to the ER and check there, they may not have gotten her up here yet,” he said. I looked back at that one room when he took my hand and led me to the elevator. “Bill, Annie’s in that room. I know it,” I said as he pulled me into the elevator. “I think she would’ve known that, don’t you?” We went to the reception desk and no one was there. A nurse soon came through that way so I stopped her. “Excuse me; I’m looking for a teenager that was brought in by life flight. She’s thirteen with blonde hair. Can you help me?” “Who are you?” she asked. “I’m her mother,” I said shaking as I grabbed Bill’s hand tighter. “She’s not in the emergency room; she was taken up to the fourth floor which is SICU,” she said knowing exactly who I was talking about. “We just came from there and the receptionist said she wasn’t there.” I was getting frantic now. “No ma’am she’s there I assure you,” she said very sure of the information she was giving. We took off back to the fourth floor. I was really upset now. “Tina, getting upset isn’t gonna help,” Bill said.