The Levinson Report

A Lunch with the American People Yesterday I had lunch with the American people. I had wanted to speak with them for the longest time, ever since I learned of their existence many years ago from the talk shows. It seemed to me the American people were an important group of folks with forceful opinions and strong moral convictions about all sorts of things. I met the people at a diner near where I lived. I ordered a BLT with coleslaw on the side and a cup of tea. The people requested the burger deluxe special with double fries and coffee. I told the waitress to give everyone separate checks. After some idle chitchat about the oversized portions of food that are typically served in diners and the weather in the fifty states, I asked the American people to give me their thoughts on illegal immigration. “Do you think we should build a security fence on the border with Mexico? Do you support a guest worker program? Are you in favor of granting amnesty to illegal aliens currently residing in the United States?” The people seemed frightened and confused by my questions. They stammered and timidly said, “If you want to know what we think about those things watch the news on television and listen to how the politicians characterize our views.” “But I have listened to politicians on TV,” I replied, “and they represent your views differently. For example, I heard a senator on FOX-TV say that the American people were sick and tired of illegal aliens sneaking into the country and taking jobs from US citizens. On CNN, a member of the House said that the American people were supportive of undocumented immigrants because they were doing work that Americans don’t want to do. And a governor claimed on MSNBC that the American people seemed divided over the immigration issue. Which of those politicians is right?” The American people stared down into their food and coughed a couple of times. Then they looked up and said, “Can we talk about something else?” “Fine,” I replied, “what do you think of affirmative action? Is it a good idea for the country?” The people, squirming in their seats and hunching over their burgers, answered, “What do the polls tell you about our outlook on that issue?” I told my lunch companions that the New York Times reported the results of a poll that said the American people are for affirmative action because diversity is desirable and won’t always occur by chance. A New York Post poll said the American people were against affirmative action because it demeans minority achievement and leads to reverse discrimination. And a poll in the New York Daily News said the American people were on the fence about whether affirmative action was a good or bad thing. The people didn’t respond to my remarks but retired to the bathroom. When they returned they said, “Not to be rude, but we don’t want to talk about affirmative action right now.” “Okay, people,” I said, “let’s talk about abortion. Pro-lifers say that the American people support their position because Americans value the sanctity of life and do not want to see innocent children suffer. Pro-choice advocates argue that the American people respect the right of the mother to do what’s in the best interests of herself and her child. Which of these positions do you actually support?” The people grew pale and sweat started to pour down their faces. Then an amazing thing happened. The American people began to disappear. Slowly but surely they shrank into their chairs until there was nothing left of them. When the waitress came by with our checks she asked me, “Where’d your friends go, sweetie?” I told her they had an existential crisis and had to run off. The bill totaled two billion dollars and with the people gone I was stuck with the tab. That didn’t make me happy as the limit on my credit card was ten grand and I didn’t have enough cash on me to pay for all the food. I explained my plight to the waitress who said, “Don’t worry, honey, we accept personal checks as long as you have some form of photo ID.” Luckily, I did. As I got into my car to go back to my house two thoughts struck me. I probably could never come back and eat at this diner again, and the notion that there is an “American people” that has a unified opinion on anything is as absurd as my having a couple of billion bucks in the bank.