Split Ends

The Squirrels, the Organ, and the Wedding Ponies In 1979 while working at Mirror-Mirror, I had a lovely customer. She and her husband lived on a beautiful estate with a lake in the back. They had two daughters, and both girls were also my customers. I would go to their house on different occasions to do the mother’s hair for special events. The mother was a wonderful person. You would never know they had a penny because she drove this old beater of a car that finally caught on fire in the parking lot of the salon … so unpretentious. Everyone at the salon adored her and her family. One of her girls was about to be married, and the wedding day finally arrived. The wedding would take place outside in their English garden, right by the lake behind their mansion. I went to their house the morning of the wedding to do everyone’s hair, help them dress, put on their makeup, whatever they needed. There were ten bridesmaids, the maid of honor, the bride, and the mother of the bride—lots of hair to do! The wedding was on a late summer afternoon, and by summer, I mean August. Hot and sticky! I arrived around 10 AM in my shorts, sandals, and no makeup. No one had said, “Do our hair and stay for the wedding,” so I was in my best slob attire. Just one of the background servants I was. The setting for this extravagant wedding was fairy-tale beautiful. The back of the house had a wonderful brick verandah with brick steps that led down to the perfectly manicured yard. The lake was complete with ducks waddling all around. Tents had been set up close to the house for the reception. There was an electric organ plugged in by the lake to accompany the black choir that was to sing. The reception would feature bagpipers and a carriage drawn by four ponies to whisk the bride and groom away afterward. After they walked me through all the plans, I gathered all the gabby girls and took them upstairs to start doing everyone’s hair. The group of girls had not seen each other for a couple of years, since college, and so they had a lot of catching up to do. They flopped on the two double beds in the guest suite of the mansion as if they were at a slumber party. They laughed and talked about old times. I grabbed one and sat her down to begin doing her hair. Some of the others gathered around us, almost smothering us. It was so hot up there in the sweltering summer heat that sweat dripped off everyone. Everything was going along just swimmingly when we suddenly heard someone shrieking at the top of their lungs, “The ponies are loose! The ponies are loose!” We ran down stairs to cheer on all the servants and groomsmen who were scurrying around trying to catch the ponies. Those critters had gotten out of the yard and were running down the road in and out of yards and into the woods. These girls, the bride and the bridesmaids, were very earthy girls and could care less what they looked like. It was all I could do to keep them from running after the ponies, too. One or two of them got away and started chasing. I could see it was going to be one of those days. I just knew it. The chase lasted quite a while, but the groomsmen finally rounded the ponies all up. Finally, the girls could go back up stairs to start the big hair production. It was hot, and we were all sweaty. It didn’t matter so much about me, but they were in the wedding. They had to get their hair dry again so I could begin rolling everyone on hot rollers, curling irons, etc. Then all of a sudden, there was this pop. This time it was the electricity! It went off, and with it went all the hair contraptions. When would it ever end? Mr. Father of the Bride immediately called the light, gas, and water company, and they refused to come out on a Sunday until after church. He finally told them “who he was” in no uncertain terms, so they agreed to come right away. It was close to noon by that time. I had thought I would already be gone and in the pool at my place by that point, but no, the squirrels had to eat the electric wires and cause the huge commotion. No organ, no curlers, no air-conditioning, and as I said, it was hot and sticky. Since there was nothing anyone could do, we all went back downstairs to wait on the electricity. I was beginning to feel like a boomerang by this time. Mr. Father of the Bride decided to shower while waiting. I had done the wife’s hair their bathroom many times, so I knew there was a big window in the shower that overlooked the road. We are all standing in the room between his shower and the back of the house when all of a sudden here he came, naked and wet as a newborn baby, with a towel flying behind him like a short bald superman flying at warp speed. He shrieked, “They’re here, they’re here.” Just as he whizzed past us, he closed his towel. His wife was half laughing, half horror stricken at the sight of her husband streaking by with all of us looking on. His little man had been flopping up and down for all to see! Holy penis people! It was the light company. They got the electricity back on so all of us very sweaty girls go back upstairs and, you guessed it, get everyone cleaned up from head to toe this time. It began to get old. I was not getting enough money for all of it, but it was entertaining to say the least! It was just another weird day in the life of Frannie F Up. The time ticked by and my nerves were shot. I was shaking from being sleep deprived, possibly from the party I had gone to the night before, and no breakfast. I was ready to get that show on the road so I could leave and go eat and jump in my pool. We all just wanted to go jump in the lake. Forget the formalities of the day … it was hot! Finally, just in the nick of time, I got everyone spruced up for the big show. I was on my way out the door to leave when the mother of the bride insisted I stay for the whole thing. Oh no! I had no makeup on, my hair looked like crap, and I had on shorts, T-shirt, and flip-flops. My god, I was not going out there looking like that, plus I would know half of the people there. I did their hair! The bride’s mother got some of her clothes and makeup, helped fluff, puff, and dress me up, and I stayed for a beautiful wedding. The bridesmaids made the isle for the bride—five on each side, tied to each other by ribbons from their bouquets. The groom and the best man rowed across the lake to meet the bride and the ducks waddled all around the wedding party. The organ played, the choir sang, and the squirrels sat and listened. The reception under the tent was beautiful, with waiters in their waistcoats and the maids in their little frilly maid costumes. Champagne and cocktails flowed freely. People were extremely sloshed in the intense heat even though they had plenty to nosh on. Then at the end, the ponies arrived, pulling their buggy in regal fashion. They whisked the bride and groom away, all without a glitch, just as they were supposed to. It was beautiful, and I am so glad I was a witness. Who could have imagined we pulled it all off, but I was sure glad to get back to my place before dark, jump in the pool, and exhale. Whew!