Scoundrels, Thugs, and Fools

SOME CHARACTERS YOU’LL MEET IN NEOCONLAND: Pundit O. Gasbag - leading news anchor and talk show host at Weasel News. Starchy Supercilious - Headmaster of Hoity-Toity Château Chic prep school. Abominate Frenzy - messianic, fire-and brimstone leader of the Maniacal Cult of Intolerant Absolutism. Bimbo Jumbobazoom - famous heiress, socialite, and spokesperson for the bust-enhancing drug Elephanesta. Cowboy Clod - first Emperor of Neoconland and former actor; iconic, god-like man of tiny intellect but massive charisma. Gil Flounderfib - a human-fish hybrid who deposits ideological mind excrement in the bottom of neoconservative think tanks. The following are excerpts of conversations between Seymour Prober (a foreign journalist) and Parochial Spinner (his guide from the Neoconian Propaganda Ministry): VISITING LOBBYVILLE AND THE CAPITOL BUILDING [Behind the Capital Building, we noticed an array of large, glitzy structures attached to the back of the government-house. Each of these buildings had a flashy sign with the name and logo of a prominent corporation. One was named the "Stupor Drugs Pharmaceutical Lobby Headquarters." Another was the "Coughing Coal-Black Industries Lobbying Agency." Still others stood behind these impressive facilities.] Prober: What are these buildings for? Why are they attached directly to the back of the government building? Spinner: These just might be the best evidence for our claim that we have the most efficient government in the world. Thousands of professional lobbyists work in them. Basically, their job is to make sure the elected politicians are held accountable. Prober: Accountable to whom? Spinner: Why the corporations paying the lobbyists' big salaries, of course. Who do you think? Prober: How does the lobbying work? Spinner: It depends on the Corporate Protection Act: a law that makes it illegal to sue any corporation for any reason. I'll tell you more about that law later but here's the gist of it for now. When our biggest oil and coal corporation, Coughing Coal-Black Industries, was facing some lawsuits from a few citizens and their sleazy personal injury lawyers who were whining about illnesses supposedly caused by coal-burning plants the executives of Coal-Black got on the blower and called up their lobbyists here at the capital. They told them what the problem was and said they needed some business-friendly legislation quick. The lobbyists got busy writing a bill outlawing lawsuits against corporations, ran it by the executives of Coal-Black for their approval, and then went to see the politicians they own in the Capitol Building. Come on in and I'll show you the hallowed halls that bind business and government together so seamlessly. Prober: I see there's a big revolving door joining the Capital Building with the Coughing Coal-Black Lobbying Agency. Spinner: Yes, the revolving door gives the lobbyists easy access to the politicians. It works the other way too. When a politician loses an election, which almost never happens anymore, or when he retires, he simply walks through the revolving door and joins the lobbying firm. Some of them go around and around, spending a few years lobbying and then running for election, and so on. A few of them rotate through the doors so fast that they end up lobbying themselves. Let's go up into the gallery in the rotunda. A legislative session is about to start so you'll get to see truly efficient plutocracy in action. [Making our way to the gallery seats, we could see several hundred politicians down below hooting, hollering, and throwing wads of paper at one another. A very old gentleman in the speaker's chair polished his spectacles, adjusted his unruly, white mane, and pounded his gavel, yelling out in a thick southern drawl, "Y'all better calm down and come to order now, Y'hear!" When the din subsided, a politician stood up awkwardly to speak.] Spinner: That's Senator Hubris Mendacious III Esquire. He comes from a very prominent family and he's been in lobbying and government for many years. Prober: I notice that he moves awkwardly. Is he ill? Spinner: He moves like that only when the lobbyists have their strings attached to him. Look closely and you'll notice some thin wires attached to metal eyehooks that are screwed into his knees, wrists, skull, larynx, and groin. Whenever a politician does anything significant, like introducing a bill to the legislature, or making a speech on Weasel News TV, the lobbyists who own him attach their puppet strings so they can make sure he stays on message. One wrong move, and they jerk his strings, and that can be painful. Sometimes it gets very interesting in here. When they're debating an important bill that could have an effect on one or more of our corporations, lobbyists stampede through the revolving doors, pour into the rotunda, attach their puppet strings to the politicians they own, and then come up here to these balconies to--well--pull some strings. When you watch the politicians down on the floor, it looks like the dance of the marionettes! Occasionally, the strings get tangled up but the result is always the same. Thanks to our strong lobbyists, the corporations always get their way, and that's always good for all of us all the time. Prober: Don't the politicians get upset about the strings? How can they stand being manipulated like that? Spinner: Well, just remember that most of them want to be lobbyists after they leave office. Or, they want lucrative positions in the executive offices or boardrooms of the corporations that own the lobbyists. So you can see it's to their advantage to play along as puppets. Most politicians actually like to have their strings pulled because the lobbyists keep them from making big mistakes that might cost them cushy jobs as corporate figureheads in their later years. The puppet strings are a win-win for everyone. OPERATING ROOMS AT LUCRATIVE HOSPITAL [As we stepped out of the elevator we heard some frightful shrieking emanating from behind one of the operating-room doors.] Prober: What's going on in there?! Spinner: They must be operating on a Near Dreg [lower-middle class individual]. Most of them can't afford operations but they sometimes qualify for one if they sell all of their assets and scrape up their life savings and the savings of their friends and relatives. However, they usually can't afford the whole package so they have to cut corners. The patient in there likely couldn't afford the services of an anesthesiologist so he's going without painkiller. In those cases the operating team just straps the patient down and put on their earplugs. Prober: Wow! That sounds cruel! Spinner: It isn't cruel at all. It's the patient's choice. If he wants to pay for the anesthetic they'll give it to him. Prober: I noticed that all patients are wearing green fanny packs with lucre-buck dollar signs on them. What's with that? Spinner: The Admissions accountants make sure they wear them because the hospital takes cash only. They got burned with some fake credit cards a while back. When they're admitted, the patients put all their cash in the fanny pack so they can purchase hospital services whenever they need them. It's really quite efficient. For example, if a patient who has been able to afford anesthesia is unconscious on the operating table and the surgeon comes across a complication that wasn't pre-approved by the accountants for treatment, they wake him up so he can pull out another wad of lucre-buck dollars. There's always an accountant on duty in every operating room in case of fiscal emergencies like this. Then they put him under again and go back to work. Following this protocol causes intense pain while they're making the transaction but without the fanny-pack money, the surgeons would have to complete the first procedure, sew up the patient, wait for him to recover, and then go back in to take care of the complication they discovered. Obvi