Fifty Confessions

Medicine today believes implicitly in the germ theory of disease, a framework of critical inquiry proposed by Pasteur some one hundred or so years ago. There are germs – bacteria, viruses, fungi, parasites, prions – that enter our bloodstreams and cause infectious diseases. Doctors work to identify these pathogens and then prescribe drugs to help eradicate them. This idea has long stood the test of time. But what happens when a pathogen of sort keeps evading detection? What happens when you genuinely feel something is wrong though medical examinations of every sort implicitly decree a sound state of heath and wellbeing? What do you do when an unknown agent is spiriting you away both physically and mentally and nobody believes you? Fifty Confessions is a collection of free-verse poetry exploring the author’s metaphorical descent into the dark nether regions of his own psyche; one that has been gradually worn down by years of suffering a mystery ailment that has gone undetected. It also revolves around the morbid fears that come when threatened by such an ineluctable destiny. Marked by trials and tribulations, the author’s life is paved by the autoimmune reactions of a conscious mind that makes psychological warfare upon itself; a conscious mind that is forever at odds with everyone else. The circle of confessions are grouped into six sections pertaining to the psychosocial model of stress response, beginning with the illness’s onset and concluding with acceptance and some degree of closure, bringing the reader into his mind as he struggles. The book begins and ends with a small prayer to the one in whom we all trust, live and have our being. The author’s note then explicates necessary background information including a short synopsis of his mystery illness through which the audience will be better able to fully grasp the nature and context for the poetry. Preceding the main body of work, the author explains the term confession, defining it as, ‘an admission of something, at times tainted with a declaration of guilt; at times without.’ He follows this up by admitting ‘but whether or not they’re completely honest is another affair, isn’t it?’ This remark serves to toy with the audience, planting seeds of doubt into the minds of would-be readers and warning against naivety as to believe blindly each and every confession made. But then again, the statement could be nothing more than a deceptive ploy. The confessions might all be true. The prologue, titled A time before this and the epilogue, titled Unraveling the future, are fictitious accounts of the state of the spiritual realm or netherworld, regions governed by the powers-that-be, before and after the author’s life. They are written in poetic form with both rhyme and meter. A time before this is a dialogue between Belial, the destructive or incinerating force of the universe, and Proteus, an ancient Greek sea god whom divinized the future and could change form upon will. In this book, Proteus adopts a different role; he is the personification of the author’s mystery illness. Unraveling the future is a dialogue between Proteus, Aphrodite and Apostolos, the author. Aphrodite is the Greek goddess of love and beauty but in this instance she takes on a much more primitive role as the great mother of all self-conscious life and creation. Apostolos plays the role of Aphrodite’s son and disciple. In Greek, Apostolos means ‘he who has been sent.’ It also happens to be the author’s real name. The confessions themselves are grouped into seven categories – THE ANCIENT ENEMY, BEHOLD MY WRATH, ACTIONS AND REACTIONS, IN THE AFTERMATH, MYTHS AND RUMINATIONS and THE SAVAGE PAST. Each subgroup is a symbolic representation of the vastly different and progressive stages of emotion involved in the psychosocial model of the stress response to illness. The first section deals with the illness itself; the second with anger brought about by the angst surrounding the illness; the third deals with courses of action taken to extricate oneself from the misery brought about by a condition such as this; the fourth describes some of the effects of the disease; the fifth explores the author’s extrication from his illness through the world of mythology; and the sixth looks at the discovery and reinvigoration of the past through hypnosis and psychotherapy, forms of relaxation intended to heal any psychic problems induced by prolonged sickness. The book signs off with a philosophical truth: To unveil truth and purpose In this three dimensional reality One must venture deep into The uncharted territories of the primordial ocean Where the ancient enemy lies asleep… The ancient enemy sleeps…’