ORANGE BLOSSOM WISHES

INTRODUCTION You are holding in your hand a personal invitation. If I could engrave it and emboss it in gold leafing for you, I would. The very fact you have chosen to pick up this book, look into its pages and glance over some of its contents denotes that perhaps we have something in common. Join me on this journey as we travel together and attempt to make some sense of senseless acts in life¬molestation, spousal abuse, habitual rejection, poor choices in relationships, the loss of loved ones as well as my own near-death experiences. The list may seem extensive, but if you will stick with me as we walk through my life, I think maybe the result will be a positive one for you. No matter your age, as you read this book, should you relate to any portion of it, we have something in common and are kindred spirits in a strange sort of way. I am a baby boomer, born in the 50s, a/kJa a child of the 60s. Things were much different back then. We are now told it was a simpler time, a quieter time, a time of "innocence." This is a tough book to write, but it has a valuable pur¬pose. The years of silence have been unbearable. While keeping my mouth shut as a victim of molestation and abuse, the inner screaming was deafening-a specter I've grown weary of battling after all these years. Now we let it out. Isn't that what we said in the 60s? Let it all hang out. The idea of writing a book of this nature sets me to pause with great hesi¬tation. What if some long-kept family secrets leak out and I lose the love of people who are so very dear and precious to me? What if friends forsake me? I am so torn between protecting loved ones from the possible fallout from events that occurred and opening myself up entirely in an effort to reach out a hand of help and hope to anyone who may have also been victimized in their lifetime. It has not been an easy decision in choosing to finally speak out, but I have to believe it will someday and in some manner have been worth it all-all the pain, rejection, hurt, degradation, hopelessness, and doubt. In recounting some of the trauma and trials of my life, the intention is not to cause you, the reader, to consider it as "all about me;' but rather to share the good with the bad and, in some small way, extend a work rooted in faith, hope, and a victorious journeythrough many harmful times. Fate, or perhaps destiny, provided I would be the one to go through these experiences. While I have grown from an inno¬cent child to a sage grandmother, I have slowly and painfully, yet thankfully come to the conviction nothing happens by coincidence; everything is part of a greater plan set down by a much bigger God who truly has His best for us in His heart. The very first episode of being molested is clearly etched in my mind. I was seven years old. As a child I was molested for almost eight years. As a woman I was abused for sixteen years. The deafening silence cloaked my life, seeming to take the very breath from my lungs at times. I struggled to suppress what I was enduring, but the experience began to form a persona all its own. I liken it almost to a cute little elephant sitting in the corner of the family parlor, not taking up a lot of room and seeming rather innocuous at first, but obviously out of place. As time passed and I grew, so did the elephant. I often wondered when or even if anyone was ever going to notice, much less acknowledge the fact that a rather large pachyderm was taking up residence within my very soul. It was leaving a great amount of waste product inside my fragile spirit that only increased as time went along. Inside my injured psyche was a precious innocent child, inwardly and silently screaming out, yet nobody hearing, "Please, won't somebody stop the deafening silence? Can't you see it, can't you smell it? Get this terror out of my life before it kills me." Unfortunately, it did kill a portion of me, but thank God for His resurrection power. Hopefully, before you finish reading the account of a life subjected to moles¬tation, sexual assault, and marital abuse, you will gain a strong reassurance, whether you are the victim or a friend or family member of a victim, that there is hope beyond measure for a future of a full life well worth living. Yes, a life free from abiding in the times someone trespassed against you, your body, mind, soul, and spirit. The last thing I want this to be is just another religious book about being molested or abused and getting over it. The cry of my heart is that in some way you will be able to relate to the events of my life, know that someone else has walked the path you have traveled, or may be traveling now, should you be able to relate this book to any part of your life, and that you will discover a hope that had likely vanished along the way. While I do not set out to write a religious piece, I can't make it real without presenting the divine intervention and revelation that was the source of my deliverance from total desperation to a life renewed with glorious hope and faith for a future. You are not alone. I want you to know that. While you read this book I want you to feel welcome to walk through the door as I invite you into my life, andI willingly lay all the pain, abuse, battles, defeats, and victories onto this paper you hold in your hands. My desire is to help you regain (or perhaps finally establish) a sense of value, hope, and faith for your future. You may feel or even believe you are the only one who has ever been through the nature of traumatic mistreatment you might have endured, or maybe are going through right now. Is it possible anyone has been touched as inappropriately as you? Has anyone else had to suffer the verbal abuse you are going through while you are being told how useless and ugly you are? Could it be that anyone has stood before their friends or children and been humiliated and demeaned to the point they felt like giving up on life like you have? It could be that the very thought of speaking to someone about what has happened to you rivets you in fear. Let me speak up for you. Let me try to give you a reason to hope, once again. I know all too well that twisted combination of fear, confusion, depression, and low self esteem. I've had those moments of being frozen in what seemed like suspended animation, doubting not only why I am here, but who I am as someone screamed words into my ears of how useless and undesirable I was. I've lived through times of being groped amidst the smell of cigarettes and alcohol, wondering how I lost control not only of my own body, but my very soul. By raising my voice of experience to the injustices done to innocent children and adults, I hope to bring to realization there are many others who are also smothered by their own silences. They, too, are gasping for a clear, fresh breath that might make them feel just a bit more alive. Let this book show you that in the midst of life's strongest anguish and distress, God is never more than a fingertip away, ready to catch us if we fall. He is always reaching with arms wide open for us to run and be held tightly in His perfect love and understanding of what we are going through, where we are in our lives and how little more we can possibly take without being destroyed. You can make it! You will make it! As you join me on the journey through molestation as a child followed by years of abuse as a battered wife, we will also travel the paths I took that led to wrong relationships-relationships that were ushered in with red flags and warning signals that I should have recognized and heeded rather than dismissing, as well as brushes with death and the devastation associated with loss of life. So I've decided to share some of the lessons life taught me as a result of-and even after-the abuse, humiliation, and desperation to survive. Hopefully you will save yourself the pain by learning from my experiences!