Achieving Personal Integrity

Before we can learn how to live with personal integrity, it’s important to understand the attributes that people with personal integrity share. First and foremost, people with personal integrity are entirely comfortable with themselves and with their feelings, so much so that they do not require support from the environment. By support from the environment, we mean external validation, such as approval or guaranteed acceptance. They can accept criticism, rejection, even hostility. They don't take things personally or regress emotionally into the sensitivities of their own unresolved emotional conflicts.
Let’s look at an example of how someone with personal integrity reacts to an unpleasant, even hostile, remark.
At a potluck supper, “Susan” who always brings generous amounts of elaborate dishes, sharply criticizes “Ellen” for bringing a skimpy amount of a rather plain dish. Ellen accepts Susan’s criticism comfortably as an accurate reflection of both how Susan assessed things and felt about the situation and as a possibly legitimate, and perhaps even accurate, commentary on her own contributions. She was not at all hurt and remained available for more of Susan’s opinions and comments. When Ellen acknowledged the paucity and plainness of her dishes, Susan went further to say "I wouldn't dare to offer what you bring." Instead of responding with anger, hurt or retaliating with something equally hurtful, Ellen, knowing this slight is not personal, looked at the situation from Susan’s point of view and responded, "I know, I think you’re afraid of what people will think so you won’t risk bringing anything but the very best. This is probably why you require so much of yourself." By adhering to her personal integrity, Ellen completely disarms Susan and puts her in touch with the source of her frustration. Susan replies, "You know, I think you're right! And when I see that you are so at ease with yourself, and that I have to be so hard on myself, it really makes me angry!" This was said with a smile and a twinkle in her eye. We could guess that their relationship will now be based on greater mutual confidence and respect.
Ellen, who has a personality with integrity, is not at the mercy of the environment for emotional support, which includes Susan’s opinion of her, and is able to stay in the “here-and-now” external reality. This is adaptive because it allows Ellen to objectively stay in the relationship with Susan and not become immersed in her own feelings. A personality without integrity is dependent upon the environment for support of their emotions, as Susan in the above example worried about what others thought of her, and, therefore lashed out at Ellen. This significantly compromises adaptability.
Personalities with integrity, like Ellen’s, have the capacity to “get beyond themselves” and stay there long enough to perceive and understand reality. Too often we become mired in our not-so-well-understood emotional conflicts and don’t perceive and understand reality enough to get the overall picture.
Another trait shared by people with personal integrity is their ability to recognize frustration. In moments of potential frustration, they are aware that the world isn't providing according to their wishes, they accept this, and recalibrate their expectations to line up with reality. Their wish likely will continue to exist but the anger about this wish subsides when the fact that it will not be gratified is accepted. They may subsequently have to deal with the disappointment of the personal loss, but this is a separate problem, involving their degree of emotional investment in the thing that was lost. Again, there are two parts to this– first, anger over the fact that the wish will not be gratified and the dissipation of this anger when this expectation is renounced and, second, sorrow and disappointment stemming from the lack of gratification of the wish which will not disappear until the wish subsides.
Let’s look at an example of how a personality with integrity deals with frustration. If my three–year-old daughter dies, at first I am both angry and sad. Eventually, when I accept the fact that she’s never coming back, my anger subsides - I accept that my wish to have her back will not be gratified. However, even though I have accepted reality, my wish to have her will continue and I will continue to feel sad. The sadness will remain until the wish subsides. This may involve the process of mourning, of denial, or the gratification of a similar wish such as having another child. An “unevolved” personality tends to just become angry, incapable of identifying their own unrealistic expectations, and consequently unable to align their expectations with reality. Their frustration and anger will continue unabated.
Further traits you will notice shared by those with personal integrity are that they tend to be comfortable with themselves as well as others, and the world in general. They approach just about every interaction with active understanding; a concept which will be further explained in Chapter 3. They have a pleasant self-confidence and the capacity to enjoy their activities, others, and the world without judgment. They tend to be accepting of their own anger and to regard it as a signal that their expectations are unrealistic and in need of recalibration, thereby tending to have less anger, and to never discharge their anger outside of the verbal arena. We will discuss anger and its root causes in Chapter 2.