Behind the Mask

Introduction 3/16/2010 My name is Dennis Rozema, the author of this book. I have yet to type the first words, so before I start, I’d like to explain what I envision this book being, and why I decided to write it. The idea came to me years ago, while reading the journal of a former student. She was someone I was very close to, and had recently died from a suicide attempt. Her sister wanted me to read what had been written in a journal that her sister kept over the previous six months. In it she referred to me a lot, and it was obvious she cared about me, like I did about her, a great deal. Although it was difficult to read, it showed excellent insight into the mind of someone who was seriously depressed and suicidal. She was an extremely intelligent, caring person with great insight, and humor. Since her sister wanted to keep the journal itself, I made a copy and have had it for years. In it was written, “If I die give this book to Dennis”. I always believed that quotes from that and other journals I have been given over the years would make an excellent book to help others better understand depression, and what life is like behind the mask depressed kids so often wear. As you read, the quotes are from four different individuals. They are included by topic; not by individual. So, one series of quotes may come from different individuals. To make their writing obvious I will use different fonts and quotation marks. For over twenty-five years I have been a school counselor, the crisis counselor for a school district, and an adolescent therapist. During that time I have been blessed to have been given journals from, not only these four, but many notes, letters, and comments from adolescents that have taught me how to be a better therapist, friend, and parent. Overall, I know my experiences with these kids have made me a better person. I am as grateful to all of them, as I know many of them are to me. I also learned from them that the person I and others saw day to day was not always the person struggling behind the mask they wore. Their writings, which so honestly describe that person’s thoughts and feelings, do a much better job than I ever could of explaining the difficulties of growing up while facing life’s problems. When I started thinking about the book and the masks adolescents wear, I realized there certainly was more than one kind of mask. Masks come in as many different forms as there are different people. But, they seem to boil down into two categories. What I think of as the cheerful mask is used by someone who feels a wide range of different negative feelings about themselves, their life, and the situations they are in, but don’t want anyone to know the hurt, fear, depression, and anger that lives inside them. They don’t even want to reveal it to themselves. To protect themselves, they show a personality that is outgoing, smiling, and friendly. Sometimes this mask is neutral; not showing much emotion at all. These neutral masks appear neither happy nor sad and often the person is not well known by others. They quietly blend in and purposely don’t attract much attention. They are often intelligent, but quiet, good students. Their behavior attracts little attention from their parents, teachers or peers. “I got an A on my chemistry test today. It is amassing to me that no one really knows who I am.” “I may seem like a happy kid but every morning I slip on this fucking outfit that makes me out to be fine but it’s a fucking fib and I’ve gotten good at fucking hiding it. Hiding my anxiety, my grief and lack of interest in other people’s shit. I don’t know who this person is.” They certainly don’t have a good perception of what others see in them. They only see what others say they see. Often, they don’t know, or don’t trust what others say they see. “I guess I long to know what others think when they see me: Passersby in the hallway, my classmates, teachers, even my best friends. Do they see what I see, or do they see what I act like I want them to see? Are my own perceptions of myself accurate? Rarely does a day go by when I don’t change my view of myself. Some days I’m ugly, hideous, a huge head with distorted features and an odd, misshapen body. Other days I’m completely acceptable. I’d much rather be me than anyone else. Still other days I border even on pretty, clear blue eyes, ivory skin and a nice mouth with a nicely proportioned small figure. Only one of these can be what is truly there because last I heard, we don’t morph into other forms on a day-to-day basis.” On the other extreme is someone who acts out the hurt, fear, and anger. These kids definitely get noticed. There is little doubt about what others think of them. Other angry, hurt kids identify with them, and they bond together. Most adults, and many kids, observe how they act and believe they are “bad” kids. We don’t think often enough of the angry, defiant adolescent as someone wearing a mask. They are, for the most part, loving and compassionate kids who don’t know how to handle the difficult circumstances into which they have been thrust. They have been acting angry for so long that they don’t really know a different way to behave. They know they are capable of loving and being loved. Yet they also feel so hurt and horrible in side, that they don’t believe they deserve love so they act in a way that drives others away. “I’m a fat ugly whore. I know it, they know it, and so they can all just go to hell.” Over the years I have gained some insight about the people that lived behind their masks. It’s my hope to pass that knowledge on to you. Whether you are an adolescent yourself, a parent, a teacher, a counselor, a therapist, a student, or anyone who just wants to understand better, I hope these quotes and my narrations on those quotes will help you understand who lives behind the mask. I intend to keep any identifying information out of both what they have written and my comments. Except for my own name, there may be blanks where names were used. I may fix some, but not all, of the spelling and grammar of their quotes. Things were often written in times of great anguish and the individuals were not always sober. It will be honest. At the time these quotes were written, they were not thinking about a book. They just wanted to express themselves and try to figure out what was going on inside them. I can never adequately express my gratitude for their sharing themselves with me and now with you. I have also written my narration in the first person. I want to speak personally to you. If you’re reading this, then this is written to you, from me, and all the nameless adolescents who have shared their thoughts and emotions. It is my hope that this gives you some knowledge of what and who is behind the mask. With knowledge comes understanding With understanding comes truth With truth comes love and forgiveness With love and forgiveness there is a light that erases the mask