The Secret Lab of Dr. Z

Ugly people live in a different world. To be old is to be ugly. Still, Brooke was sure there was a way around that equation. “I will not be defeated!” she said aloud, alone in her car. A news helicopter passed overhead, flying low. Sirens behind her and two speeding police cars passed. Some unfortunate soul had pushed their luck too far today. Brooke pulled the Mercedes up to their little Coldwater Canyon cottage, belatedly realizing that the chaos of police cars, helicopters, and news crews surrounded her house. Was it Richard? Were all the problems finally solved? Was he dead? Oh my God, did someone actually murder him? But her Insignificant Other was safe on the front lawn, talking to two policemen. “It’s P-22!” he said excitedly, as Brooke hurried up, arranging her face to indicate love and concern. “The mountain lion! He’s under the house!” “You should go inside, M’am, it’s not safe,” one of the policemen told her. Brooke ignored him. “What happened? Did he attack anyone?” She glared at Richard. That was a lawsuit for sure. “No, no, he’s hiding by the tool shed. I saw him when I got the hose. I think he might be sick.” So close. So close. Why hadn’t the cat attacked? But here it was. The eyes of LA. Her chance at last. Everyone loved P-22. She must give an interview. Get her face out there. Brooke flipped her hair out gracefully, eyeing the cameraman in the street. She struck a thoughtful pose for the benefit of the cameras overhead. A cautious smile touched her lips. And that’s when Romper Woman struck. She stepped unexpectedly from behind the hedge that separated their identical houses, clad in a tiny orange romper the color of a traffic cone. “He has come for me! He heard my call. The Mountain Lion is my spiritual animal,” she announced. “It is a sign. His true name is UNHU-MANHUM. We were lovers in another life, before he was slain by the Patriarchy.”