Chapter 4: The 9 Lies Holding You Back
Now that you’ve read a bit of my story and Martin’s, do you see a pattern?
We’re all governed by the same biology of survival and threat protection. And we all have enormous capacity to grow far beyond whatever our brains perceive as our limitations at this moment.
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For tens of thousands of years, human beings lived in fundamentally unsafe environments…warring tribes, scary bandits, wild animals, disease, drought, famine, no electricity, no antibiotics—these were non-negotiable realities for people in our family tree not so long ago.
Then for a sliver of time that barely includes our great-grandparents, we found ourselves living in a much safer world than our nervous systems have been programmed to perceive.
But we’re still really scared! Why? One part is the old automatic nervous system survival. But also because our parents taught us to be scared! Why were they so scared? Because our grandparents taught our parents to be scared! Why were our grandparents so scared? And so on and so on…
So both our biology and our childhood experiences give us plenty of fear.
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And it’s not just you. It’s everyone.
Bottom line: we’ve got a society full of scared people assigning their fears and frustrations to things outside them.
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Your nervous system takes these messages that you hear and turns them into reasons why obstacles can’t be conquered, reasons why your frustrations will never go away.
These reasons are lies.
Your nervous system lies to you every day. AND it gathers evidence to support the lies it tells you.
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It doesn’t have to be this way!
The Childhood/Work Connection
Remember that from the moment you’re born, your responses to your experiences are what create the patterns of survival and understanding in your nervous system.
So, anytime someone is struggling at work, my first question is about their parents and their childhood.
Danielle’s Story: “Why are you always taking so much?”
Danielle was a talented musician and composer.
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“People think I have this amazing career,” she told me. “But I haven’t earned money in so long.” Her face was red with shame.
I spoke slowly and gently as I inquired, “Danielle, is it all right for me to ask you some questions?” She nodded as tears began to run down her cheeks.
Our conversation began with questions about how her parents related to money. Her mother was stingy and angry when she had needed money as a pre-teen and young adult. Her father was anxious and worried whenever she asked for anything. “I remember I went to my father for money for a field trip—it would have been just a few dollars. But it took him an hour to give it to me.”
It’s important to let my clients know that they’re not alone, to share little pieces of my own history. I want to create an experience for them so they feel I’m kneeling beside them in the universal human journey of grief and healing.
“My mother got really angry whenever I asked for money as a child.” I told her. “My father was super anxious and always worried when it was time to pay for stuff.”
“It sounds like we had the same parents.” She cracked half a smile.
“My mother was weird about a lot of other things too,” I told her, “she would watch me like a hawk around food. She was always criticizing my body, telling me I was fat, ugly, disgusting, an embarrassment to her in public. She put me on my first diet when I was 6. I don’t remember a time in childhood when I wasn’t either obsessively dieting or secretly binging. The shame and deprivation were constant.”
“Oh my goodness! My mother was obsessed with food. She hated when I ate. She would get so upset when she saw me eating. I was such a tiny child, very slim, but every time she saw me serve food to myself on a plate, she would harangue me for it. It was always ‘why are you always taking so much.’” Her eyes widened as she imitated her mother, “‘WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TAKING SO MUCH?’ It was like she wanted me to go hungry.”
“How did that make you feel, Danielle?”
“I tried to make myself invisible. I wanted nothing more than to be safe and far away from my mother.”
I switched gears…“Danielle, do you ever have the chance to request payment for all these concerts and commissioned works you do?”
“I do, Nora, but it’s always the same. When it’s time to ask for money, I go mute. I collapse. I can barely breathe.”
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The 9 Lies Holding You Back
The 9 Lies Holding You Back are all connected to messages you received as a child that your nervous system translated into self-protection and survival mechanisms. I know they don’t always feel like protection mechanisms. Sometimes they just feel like great big blocks. But I promise we are going to blast through them.
The 9 Lies are:
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Lie #5: My Boss Is Crazy
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So, there I was, flying high. The fastest researcher promoted to recruiter in the 2-year history of this tiny little firm. Maybe I was over-confident. Maybe I was just immature.
But I strutted into work every day for the next four weeks, eager to start my call list, eager to face down my STARTING discomfort and have it be VANQUISHED by the joy of DOING.
I was a rock star, loving my job.
For about 4 weeks.
On late Friday afternoon at the end of the 4th week, Owner-Boss-Lady called me into her office.
“Nora,” she said, squinting her eyes at me, “everybody HATES you.”
A shooting pain in the pit of my stomach. Don’t cry, don’t cry, I thought to myself.
“You’re childish, IMMATURE, and disorganized. My 15-year-old daughter is more organized than you.”
Gulp. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
“AND, you’re SO NEEDY! You’re constantly interrupting me and demanding my attention. Don’t you know I have a job to do? I run this company! I am not at your beck and call!!”
I could barely breathe. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
“You obviously need therapy.”
After this talk, I would think so.
“And if you don’t shape up by next Friday, YOU’RE OUT!!”
Aaaaaaand, we’re back. I felt a familiar thud in the base of my gut as my hopes and dreams of success sank into rejection and despair.
Again? I thought I had conquered this stuff. Again?? After all this work and all these days of no personal email, internet and phone? And all the pain? And my first ever promotion at a job?
Again with the threats of being fired?
Again?
“What are you still doing here?!?! Get out of my office! And you better shape up next week. OR ELSE!”
“I’ll do my best.” I whispered and forced myself to walk out slowly when all I wanted to do was run.
Am I Crazy?