PTSD and Me

2 DREAMS OR REALITY Dreams: • Series of thoughts, images, or emotions occurring during sleep. • An experience of waking life having the characteristics of a dream as a visionary creation of the imagination. • A state of mind marked by abstraction or release from reality. • An object seen in a dreamlike state: vision. • Something notable for its beauty, excellence, or enjoyable quality. • A strongly desired goal or purpose. • Something that fully satisfies a wish. Reality: • The quality or state of being real. • A real event, entity or state of affairs. • The totality of real things and events. • Something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily. • In actual fact. It was just an average miserable morning. The temperature was already above 100 degrees and rising fast. The eastwardly wind had a mild breeze which only brought the stench of the surroundings to the senses and did little to cool any of the soldiers loading up in their vehicles for a mission. The convoy was rolling out to a area that was well know to the BN (battalion). Numerous times the BN had sent out patrols that were met by IED’s (improvised exploding devices) in this area. Our informant had narrowed down all of the activity to a small block. The mission to secure the area and search for materials used in the manufacturing of IED’s and the detention of any and all male occupants. My HUMVEE was just a regular cargo which had the doors taken off much to the displeasure of my BN CSM (command sergeant major). He felt it was unsafe to drive around without a door. How much protection can a plastic door really be? All it was to me was a hindrance in getting in and out of the vehicle and also made it almost impossible to fire as you were driving. But with the doors off and my M4 strapped to my vest I easily could fire with some degree of accurately as I am a left handed firer. As we approach the target area I get an uneasy feeling. I could see no dogs, no cows. It’s just too quiet. Where are all the kids that are normally running after us begging for anything and everything? Something was just not right. All of a sudden there is a loud blast and you hear the distinct sound of AK fire followed by the musical sound of the M2 machine gun, and M4’s firing back. I scan the area directly in front and to the side of me. I get a quick glimpse of movement in the small rise about 100 meters away. I suddenly see a figure standing with what appears to be a RPG (rocket propelled grenade) on his shoulder aiming right at us. The noise and confusion is all around us. I see the flames from the RPG and I quickly scream incoming jumping out of my vehicle (so much for wanting that plastic door), and try to take cover and roll over the edge of the road into a small ditch. I try to take up a good hasty position and fire in the direction of where the RPG came from. Suddenly I feel the earth move as the RPG takes a direct hit to the vehicle directly behind mine. The M2 falls silent and for a very short period of times it seems to be all quiet.. Then I realize that it was a direct hit to the vehicle and we have soldiers hurt. I hear someone in the truck moaning for help. I don’t see anyone else around. Without thinking I get to my feet and turn and start to run toward the call for help. It feels like slow motion as I attempt to make the short 20 yards to the vehicle. All of a sudden I am not running but flying through the air. All I can hear is my ears ringing. I am thrown off the road and down a little slope. My M4 is gone and I am dazed. I hear voices and it is not English but Arabic. I feel a firm grip on my left shoulder. With all the strength that I have left I lash out and swing my right fist over my left shoulder and make a direct contact with the face of the Iraqi who has grabbed me. I hear the moan and see the blood start to come from their nose. I feel their grasp lighten but I am not free yet. I let out a loud piercing yell to alert my fellow soldiers that I am in trouble. Suddenly I bolt upright, and look around, dazed and confused and with a blurry grey view. Slowly reality starts to take hold and I remember where I am and wonder what happened to the person that I just swung at. For a brief moment I am confused and unsure about where I am or what is going on. I don’t dare move and I freeze like a deer at night being shined by a spotlight. My vision starts to clear and I see my wife's face come into focus and I see the blood running out of her nose. Still I sit there wondering what is real and what a nightmare is as I try to focus on what is happening in my mind. I can’t seem to calm down or even relax. I know that the chances of me even closing my eyes again are over for the night.