The Book of Agreement and Remembrance

Common problems in marriage Marriage is often studied. The center for disease control looks at the number of marriage licenses each year and the number of divorces and lets us know that as many as 52% of marriages end in divorce. We learn from the US census that fewer adults are choosing to be married now a days. There are talk shows and reality shows competing to tell us the most shocking situations couples put themselves and their marriages into. Gay and I have been a little less formal in our study of marriage but after years of hearing couples tell us what they think in wrong, we have developed a short list. The list of things that will either kill or vitalize a marriage is not really all that long and not really all that complicated. As I mentioned in other places in this book, Satan is your enemy and he only has a few tricks. He is not very creative and so he uses the same old tricks over and over. So here is my short list of tricks of the enemy. Meet Charlie and Harriet Some friends had invited us to the dedication their first son. They had also invited Charlie and Harriet whom they had known since high school. Charlie and Harriet were to be the God parents during the celebration. We sat next to Charlie and Harriet at the picnic celebration after church. They knew a little about our ministry and the book I published in 2012 titled “21 Days to Happily Ever After”. Once we were all seated Charlie asks me “I hear you have cracked the code to have a happy marriage”. “I like to think so” I chuckled “I’m pretty happy”. “Well then, explain this one to me. I have to hold out a little money for myself or Harriet spends it all”. He said as he stabbed his thumb in the air toward his wife. “I have a little hidey hole I keep in where she can’t get at it”. Turns out Harriet had recently discovered his little “hidey hole” and was livid about it. Charlie claimed she had made a “Federal Case” about it and needed to just “Chill Out!”. “After all, I work hard, I should be able to keep a little mad money that is mine, shouldn’t I”? Charlie was looking for ruling from me on the matter. His wife had been listening as well to see if the men would gang up on her. “I am not so sure about that” I started. “Do you guys have a budget?” “Yea sure, I pay my bills she pays hers and then we use the rest the way we please, we do alright”. The volume with which he answered suggested offence and that perhaps I had stuck my nose a little too deep in his business. Charlie was offended because he thought I was telling him to tighten his belt and spend less. He jumped to the conclusion that their fight was about the amount of money they had. What I really wanted to know was if he and his wife had agreed on how to spend the money they did have. So, I followed up with “Do you know what it costs to run your household every month”? He raised his voice a little more, sat a little closer to the edge of his seat, learned in and said, “Like I said we do OK, I pay my bills”. “I understand, but I am trying to find out if you agree about money. And I am 100% sure you have not agreed if you do not know the facts, and I am thinking this is a sore subject between the two of you. It’s not about the amount of money you do or do not have or who spends what, your problem is your lack of agreement about money”. Harriet and Charlie are like so many couples we encounter. They have not learned to put away selfishness and to agree with one another before situations arise. Make no mistake life will constantly present new situations that demand your attention. If you already have a plan to handle it, and you have a way to bring that plan to remembrance, life is easy. Lack of a plan and a way to bring it to remembrance will lead to dis-unity in any relationship, but this lack will become unbearable in a marriage relationship.