Crossing the Bridge
From Mennonite Boy to Gay Man
by
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At forty-four I had it all: a good wife, two beautiful children, a loving extended family, a successful private practice in counseling psychology and the high regard of peers. How could I be suicidal? How could I, Dr. Helmuth, who helps depressed and suicidal people choose life over death, be so very close to ending his own life? My family loved me and cared about me: that is, they loved the person they thought I was. The good boy “Jimmy” as my siblings called me, the “St. James” as I was known by peers at church, the college graduate, the responsible husband and father. The Ph.D. psychologist. They knew my roles, achievements and my facade. But they did not know my authentic self because I did not know it, or at least was not willing then to tell anyone what I did know. I only had a vague sense of being different from other boys in my family and community. Later as my awareness became clearer, I felt I had no choice but to hide and repress it. Would they love me if they knew the secret feelings I had carried inside. Could they accept me as I am and not as they assumed I was? Would they judge me and even abandon me? It was a risk I did not want to take. Wouldn’t it be better to die physically than keep enduring this living death? My mind raced and my heart pounded as the bridge was getting closer and closer. I had to decide. I had put off this decision for too long. I had a fear of death. I had an even greater fear of life. I was afraid of living with the presumed rejection from loved ones, peers and clients if they knew my secret.
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About the Book
“After a dramatic retelling of his own struggle to self acceptance, Helmuth announces to the world that he is gay, that he is proud, and that God loves him without reservation. There is no greater truth for the victims of untruth and Helmuth's autobiography proclaims that truth loud and clear.”
—The Rev. Dr. Mel White, Founder of Soulforce and author of Stranger at the Gate and Religion Gone Bad
“Crossing the Bridge is a courageous memoir by a psychologist who has lived two lives, as a devoted husband for twenty-two years, and the father of two children, and as a gay man enjoying a stable and loving relationship with another man… Dr. James Helmuth grew up within the painfully narrow confines of the Mennonite religion and nearly took his own life in the process of discovering and living his true gay identity.
Unsparingly honest, this memoir reads often like a mystery story, sometimes like a tender recreation of the past — always as a poignant, bittersweet narrative of a boy becoming a man…and a man becoming his true self.”
—Joseph Dispenza, author of God On Your Own and The Way of the Traveler
“What distinguishes Helmuth’s story and gives it universality is how Helmuth, in finding his own voice, leaves no one he loves behind….he shows in this memoir how we must all achieve freedom or our lives become impossible. I suspect you will come to love the man and his unique voice; his journey belongs to us all.”
Thomas Dukes, Ph.D. English Professor, The University of Akron
About the Author
Dr. James Helmuth earned a Master’s Degree in Religion from Earlham School of Religion and a Ph.D. in Guidance and Counseling from the University of Akron. He is a licensed psychologist and owner of Helmuth Psychological Associates in Akron. He lives in Akron, Ohio, with his partner of twenty years.