GOD DOES HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR
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SEX EDUCATION AS TAUGHT BY NUNS Freshman year in high school can be an exciting time of growth and development. The operative word is "can." It can also be, as in my case, a time of never ending awkwardness and embarrassment. I had acne. Girls would talk to me only long enough to turn me down for something. “No, I won't go to the movies with you.” “No, I won't dance with you.” “No, I will not loan you a pencil.” “No I will not stop stepping on your neck." God, in his infinite wisdom, and to prove once more in my life that He does have a sense of humor, decided that now was the time to inspire the principal to inject Sexual Education into the curriculum. One could argue that learning about sex in a classroom was a stimulating change from algebra and Shakespeare. One could also argue that because I wasn't learning anything "on the job," so to speak, it wouldn't be a bad idea to somehow prepare for that day so far in the future when some obviously misguided and desperate female would for some reason known only to God find me attractive. I personally made the argument that it was silly to teach someone how to cook if there was no way in Hell he was getting near the food, but the system rolled right over me (again). I went to a Catholic high school, and sex education was placed into the lap of the religion department. Logic would dictate that it should probably be put into the hands of the Physical Education program, except in my school, having the coaches lecture about reproduction might encourage some of them to try it themselves. Believe me; no one in town wanted that. Besides, the Physical Education department already had responsibility for Driver's Education, and that was more than enough for their eight bodies and six brains to handle. But I digress. Because the Religion department was responsible for Sexual Education, my teacher for that much-anticipated class turned out to be a nun. This made about as much sense as having a vegetarian teach a meat-cutting class. Nuns just aren't the type one opens up to with sexual questions, though better Sister than one of the Phys Ed Neanderthals. Sister could at least use complete sentences. We had these little books with all kinds of words that one would never consider saying when a nun was around, so participation was minimal. This did not sit well with the school, so students were getting notes sent home saying, "Little Ronny won't participate in class discussions concerning the ‘s’ word, certain ‘m’ words, and the female reproductive system. He also refuses to discuss his sexual feelings in front of 32 of his peers, both male and female. Is he gay?" This was McCarthy-ism for sure, though on a much smaller scale. The lack of participation led Sister to do much of the reading and discussing herself. Now she was using all those words we would never say around a nun, which was like hearing a lecture on racial tolerance from Adolf Hitler. In addition, our books had several helpful diagrams, all in purple ink. I am not sure, but I doubt the female reproductive organs are purple, and I know (I just checked) mine aren't. What gives? I could just see my class mates on their honeymoons, "Honey, I am a little confused. Can we paint you purple?" We also learned about birth control. That was actually sort of interesting. I always thought the barrier method was when she slammed the door in your face. Never mind what my definition of the rhythm method was. I don't remember what I got in the class. I do know it went nowhere in teaching me to deal with the opposite sex, so now I am flailing around with so many other hapless males, and there does appear to be quite a lot of us. I will say that I am much more open around nuns, and that if I ever meet a purple woman, I will indeed be very well prepared.
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About the Book
Winner, 2009 Military Writers' Society of America President's Award Winner, 2007 Military Writers' Society of America Gold Medal for Humor Rob Ballister will make you smile. He’s survived cancer, dating, and growing up in New Jersey. God Does Have A Sense of Humor chronicles his journey: through surgery-- My understanding was that the doctor, while hopping up and down on one foot and singing the national anthem, was going to remove my lymph nodes using a butter knife, a hacksaw, and some 10W-30 motor oil. Into the confessional-- There sat Father Riener, who was technically old enough to have been one of the original apostles. As I began reciting my list, Father began falling asleep. Being only in the fourth grade, I did exactly what I did at home when my younger sister fell asleep. I kicked him. Surviving Christmas with his family— That first year, Dad put a wreath and Mom put up a tree, and things were pretty much low key that season. Then I was born, and as I grew, so did Dad’s commitment to having the house visible from orbiting spacecraft. Rob Ballister can find humor anywhere. Whether it’s in the operating room, in the classroom, in a relationship, or in Spain, his unique style takes you on a journey through the significant events that shaped his life. Through a never-ending struggle to understand his family, women, and God’s sense of humor, he stands defiantly with nothing more than a smile and his teddy bear Oscar. Follow him as he joins the Navy, sees the world, beats cancer, and gets beaten up. Ride with him as he learns to drive, learns the truth about Santa Claus, and learns where babies come from. It’s a wild ride filled with laughter, friendship, a bit of heartbreak, and a lot of love. You will laugh, you may cry, but one thing is certain. You won’t forget it.
About the Author
A native of Martinsville, NJ, Rob graduated the United States Naval Academy in 1994 with a Bachelor of Science in Aerospace Engineering, and served on the Joint Staff for six months before heading for flight school in January 1995. He was redesignated as a Civil Engineer Corps officer in December of that year, and his first CEC duty station was at Marine Corps Base Quantico, VA, as deputy head of the planning section. Following that tour, he moved to California for duty with the Navy Seabees. While with Naval Mobile Construction Battalion FORTY, he served as Charlie company commander, Air Detachment officer-in-charge (during two separate deployment cycles), and Civic Action Team Pohnpei officer-in-charge. His experience as company commander earned him the Pohnpei OIC billet during his second deployment, where he led a team of Seabees on humanitarian missions in a third world country. He also deployed to operations in support of the US Support Group East Timor. After his battalion tour, LCDR Ballister transferred to Engineering Field Activity Chesapeake, where he worked in the construction office at Andrews Air Force Base. During this tour he was also assigned temporarily to the White House Military Special Programs Office. Rob has also done extensive work with community youth, beginning well before his military career when he coached little league baseball for three seasons while still in high school. At Quantico, he coached three sports over five MWR seasons, and recently resumed his coaching "career" in San Diego with the local MWR organization as a basketball coach. In addition, he has been a volunteer religious education teacher for four years, and has taught math, english, military drill, religious doctrine, morality, and a variety of sports to children ranging in age from 6 to 17. In addition to his undergraduate degree, he holds a Masters of Science in Civil Engineering from the University of Maryland, and is a registered professional engineer in the state of Maryland. He is also a member of the Society of American Military Engineers. The publishing of "God Does Have a Sense of Humor" was the culmination of over ten years of writing and re-writing Rob's experiences from his life, including his military experience and his surviving cancer. His book was honored in 2007 with the Military Writers' Society of America (MWSA) Gold Medal for Humor. In addition, MWSA further honored him with the 2009 President's Award for service to military writers in general. Rob is married to his beautiful wife, Ivy, and they reside in Maryland with their daughter Kyla. He is working on his second book when career and family allow.