5,378 Tips for a Better Life, Hotter Sex, Fresher Breath, Thicker Hair, Thinner Thighs and Cleaner Laundry!
(not necessarily in that order)
by
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The other week my doctor told me that I’m getting crusty around the edges. Kind of sounds like I’ve got barnacles growing all over me, which is not impossible because they like to attach themselves to things that never move, and I’m excellent at that. However, what he really meant was, I’M GETTING OLD! Now, I have to tell you that my doctor is a friend, which is why I don’t get much sympathy from him. Oh, he’s had the training. He’s not just a neighbour who happens to have a blow torch and will happily burn various lumps and bumps off you as a hobby. No, he’s a bona fide lump and bump excavator, who is also a friend. Which is something I swore I’d never do. I used to say that I would NEVER go to the same dinner parties as the man who did my Pap tests. So, I obviously had a terrible moment of weakness…or he gives REALLY GOOD Pap tests. Nevertheless, the sad truth is I’ve hit that age where my body feels the need to start growing SDNs: Supplemental Dermal Nubs. The result of this is you spend a lot of your day looking in mirrors going “Oh my GOD! What is THAT?” Or “Oh JINKIES! What is THAT?” Or just “AHHHH!” So the other week, I had this thing on my arm that first went red, and then, you guessed it, crusty. I was devastated and knew instantly that I had Arm Cancer. So I rushed off to my caring doctor, who laughed and said that it was a “Senile something or other”…or did he say I was a “senile something or other”. Either way, I was well beyond my ‘Best Before’ date. So I had him check all the other ‘mollusks’ growing on me. I’m like an oyster farm, without the protestors!
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About the Book
Linda Cullen, one of Canada’s funniest women, gives you the best of her weekly columns. Here’s what some of her many devoted readers have said;
“I pick up the 24Hrs every day on my way to work and I gotta say…you are hilarious (Although I’m sure you are told that all the time)! I’m a fan!
All the Best
Alex”
“I have been meaning to email you ever since I started reading 24 Hours as you are so hilarious. No matter what kind of a crappy day it is, after reading your column I feel 100% better.
Tracy”
“This email is long overdue – I’m a huge fan of yours…absolutely love reading your articles – missing them on Wednesdays is not an option. Based on the truth but mixed with humour. I suddenly realized I’m not the only one who enjoys reading your articles – traveling home on the bus this PM I sat next to a lady who started reading your column today, “The Duck Whisperer” – well this woman was laughing so loud that tears were beginning to roll down her face…she had to stop reading to compose herself. I smiled and turned to her and said, “Her columns are great aren’t they?” She simply nodded her head, wiped her tears and continued reading. Keep them coming Linda…they’re greatttt!
Diane”
About the Author
Linda Cullen is one of Canada’s best known funny people. She and her husband Bob Robertson put their unparalleled stamp on political satire in Canada, when they launched Double Exposure on CBC Radio in 1987. Double Exposure the radio show ran for 10 years and became CBC Radio’s highest rated comedy show and won numerous awards during that time. In 1997, Linda & Bob made the move to television, and Double Exposure, the TV show, ran for 3 years, and was nominated for numerous Gemini awards. For the last 4 years, Linda has written a weekly column for the daily commuter paper, 24 Hours, in Vancouver, and has built up another large and faithful following with her irreverent, well, some might say, 'certifiable' brand of humour. 5,378 Tips for a Better Life, Hotter Sex, Fresher Breath, Thicker Hair, Thinner Thighs and Cleaner Laundry! is a collection of some of her most popular columns. From purchasing ‘personal massage devices’ to dating armadillo wranglers, it’s all in this book. You may not be looking for it, but it’s here. Linda lives in Richmond, British Columbia with her husband Bob, and two cats. When she is not feverishly toiling away on her columns, she spends all of her time either performing extremely hazardous experiments in her kitchen, in an effort to find a solution to global warming…or napping.