When Sally Bacchetta and her husband were going through the process of adopting their first child, they were unable to find any books on the topic of adoption that were told from an adoptive parent’s perspective. Using her background in education and psychology, Bacchetta wrote What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent’s Perspective. Her book explores the private thoughts of adoptive parents with sensitivity and honesty.

Between serving as the Rochester Adoptive Families Examiner and writing articles for Genesee Valley Parent magazine, Bacchetta took the time to discuss with us her book and her experiences with adoption.

iU: What was your inspiration for writing What I Want My Adopted Child to Know? What do you hope readers will gain from your book?

SB: While waiting to adopt our first child, my husband and I read several books about adoption, many of which were “how to” books and books written by adult adoptees and first mothers. We didn’t find any books that told us what it would be like to adopt. As much as parenting is parenting, we have found that adoptive and biological families are different in some significant ways. We have experienced joys and struggles that my biological parent friends can’t relate to. There are questions and issues related to adoption that have emerged and will likely re-emerge as our children grow, that don’t come up for biological families. 

iU: You mention that your book has “startling honesty.” Can you explain that statement and give us an example?

SB: In the book I finally give voice to things I spent years silencing. Many women do. The all-consuming despair of infertility or the choking injustice and blind rage of failed motherhood, these are not pretty emotions. Even more difficult to admit were my own prejudices about adoption, my own feelings that adoption was a default or a consolation. It’s the kind of thing you don’t admit to a social worker or adoption agency employee, and certainly not to a first mother. Although I certainly don't feel that way anymore, I talk about it in the book because the process of acknowledging and working through those feelings is an important part of the adoptive parent experience.

iU: What aspects of your educational and professional background in psychology and counseling helped you to write your book?

SB: Through my education and former profession I developed a surgical sense of clarity. I learned how to strip away distraction, denial, and avoidance and to cut simply and cleanly to the core truth. Because of this, I was able to confront my own closely guarded (and deepest) feelings and write about them in a universal way. I wanted my book to speak personally to readers about common experiences. I wanted to let people know that even in our most intimate pain and joy, there are people who can relate. I drew from my experience as a counselor in finding my voice for the book.

 iU: Why did you decide to self publish with iUniverse?

I decided to go with iUniverse because the feedback I received from my queries to traditional publishers was “Interesting topic, great voice, excellent quality writing, but we don’t think there is enough of a market for this book.”  I know there is a market, and I am determined to prove it.

iU: What advice do you have for parents who are looking to adopt? How do you suggest they deal with the more difficult situations that can result from the adoption process?

The best advice I can give to people considering adoption is to seek out first mothers, first fathers and adult adoptees. Most of us adopt either infants or young children. Many adoption-related issues don’t emerge until the adoptee is school age or a pre-teen. Prospective adoptive parents have a responsibility to educate themselves about how an adoptee’s feelings about adoption may change over time. We have a responsibility to really understand why our children’s first parents chose adoption, how their feelings may change over time, and what kind of relationship (if any) they hope to have as our children grow.

iU: What marketing tactics and or strategies are you using to promote your book?

I am reaching out to people in every way I can think of including my website (www.TheAdoptiveParent.com), social media, print media, radio and TV interviews, direct mail, networking… all of it.

iU: How have your children responded to your book? What is the general feedback you have received from other adoptive parents?

My daughter is in love with the book. She delights in telling her friends, “My mom and me are famous!” My son isn’t old enough yet to know, but he will. I have been happily overwhelmed by reader reaction to my book. Readers have said they feel validated, that my book has given them the courage to talk more openly with their spouses and other family. Many first mothers have said they appreciate my insight into what infertility and adoption are like for adoptive parents. I’m grateful for all of the positive feedback on my book, but I think that most meaningful to me is what I’ve heard from adult adoptees. Again and again I hear, “I feel like you’re speaking directly to me” “You’re saying things I always wanted to hear” and “You’ve answered the questions I always wondered about, but I was afraid to ask because I didn’t want to hurt my (adoptive) parents’ feelings.”

iU: You are currently working on a follow-up book. Can you give us any details to look forward to?

I’m actually working on two more books. I hope to have the first completed late next year.