Happiness Scorned

Exactly one week after Valentine’s Day, my happiness came crashing to an end. Jason Liam Andrews, the boyfriend I was crazy about and never imagined as anything other than “the one,” dropped a bomb on me. It wasn’t the drop-to-one-knee-with-a-rock type of bomb. That I could have handled. This bomb was an unforeseen attack, a fatal crash. It was more like “we’re different people, and we want different things. I don’t see a future between us. I’m sorry.” To make matters worse, he told me this abruptly over the phone while we were having a heated discussion about what I believed was necessary for us to have a bright future. The rest of that day, and for several days before that, we’d had no problems. His words ate at me. They tore right through my heart and made their way to my stomach. I felt weak. I couldn’t believe he was serious. I couldn’t fall asleep. I don’t see a future between us. I kept hearing it over and over. The words were running a marathon in my head. I knew better, but I couldn’t help myself—I sent him a text. How dare you tell me you see no future with me now, after I have been seeking an answer to the question about a future for months! You kept stringing me along, playing with my heart like a toy! I don’t deserve to be treated that way by someone I was with for such a long time. It’s very selfish and unfair! At this point, my cheeks were stinging from the salty tears streaming down my face. The hurt I felt was indescribable. You can’t have your cake and eat it too! He called me instantly. “I don’t want to text, just talk about it on the phone,” Jason said. I told him to read the text and try to understand what I was feeling. He said he had never played with my heart. He just realized he didn’t see a future with me on that day. “I don’t believe it’s possible to make such a rash decision like that overnight,” I said. “You must have felt this way all along and then blamed me for creating what you call an ‘argument’ when I asked about our future.” He told me I was wrong. “So if this is how you feel, then why have you been with me? Why have you continued our relationship?” I asked. I didn’t sleep a wink that night. My mind was running in all directions. My body felt hot and cold, then lightheaded and tight-chested. Anxiety overwhelmed me, and I felt as though I might be going into shock. I began to analyze our entire relationship, trying to make sense of his decision. Could this really be happening? Was he serious about not wanting a future with me? How long had he felt this way? Why hadn’t he told me sooner? If he didn’t see a future with me, then why had he been so good to me? Why had he bought me things and taken me places? Were his feelings real, or was it all a game? Had he been using me, and if so, why? Was it all about sex? Why would he allow me to fall for him and then tell me there was nothing there for us? How could he say these words to me after I had been so good to him? Does he love me? Did he ever? Does he really not want me in his life? Can we try to make it work? Why did he make this decision, and how could he have made it so easily? Had we even had something real? I needed answers to those questions no matter how much it hurt me. I was feeling confusion and questioning the validity of our entire relationship, so I took the time that night to write a letter. I typed it up on my phone as a memo rather than sending it via text where it tends to send in chopped-up pieces. I didn’t want Jason to have to piece together my letter like a puzzle and lose interest. However, I ended up erasing most of it. Instead, I sent a text and expressed my current beliefs about our relationship. I was so wrong about you, thinking you were someone who would do whatever it takes for us to be happy! You are definitely not capable of making anyone happy other than yourself! You never cared about how I feel about your decisions! My opinion never mattered to you, did it? I knew it was a hurtful way to start the morning—for both of us—but wanted him to feel my hurt, my pain. Jason: That’s not true! Nothing you said is true! Me: Everything I said is true! He didn’t agree with me, so I wrote another message and sent it. Me: It’s good to have a personal goal for your future. But in a relationship, you need to have mutual goals as well as personal goals. I just don’t understand why you couldn’t do both! You don’t make me feel like you care about whether or not I stay in your life! It makes me feel like I’m always the only one fighting to make things stay good between us. If you don’t choose to make a serious goal for us for the future then why stay and talk things through.