The Replicants

CHAPTER 1 Planetarium’s E class space cruiser had only been on its mission for fifteen thousand light years but to Schnikle Po it seemed like an eternity. He was half way through the paranoia shift and the chief navigator was stuck with notorious bumble brain, Vinicus Ah, a competent pilot but a one dimensional conversationalist. His prognostications on this occasion related to the new comfort girl attached to the Superior B passenger unit. “I’m sure she likes me, Schnikle. I saw all four of her bazookas light up when I smiled at her. Those transparent uniforms don’t hide much and my tentacles certainly responded.” “The rise of the machines,” thought Po, who was amused by his friend’s enthusiasm. Ah and the girl were both robots and they were not supposed to be programmed for emotion. Nevertheless, he didn’t like to deflate the pilot’s opinion of himself, especially as it was common knowledge that all robots weren’t created equal. The space industry was very competitive and the Planetarium Corporation was renowned for buying discount models. Notwithstanding that, the navigator needed his pilot to focus on the job at hand and all his tentacles should be firmly implanted on the various controls that surrounded his work station. “Let’s talk about your love life another time, Vinicus. The approach to planet Earth is rather tricky and I need you to look out for unidentified flying objects. These earthlings may have heard of our athletic prowess and try to impede our arrival. We must be vigilant.” In point of fact, the earthlings were looking forward to welcoming the athletes from Planet Schmoo. The Intergalactic Games were held every millennium, and Earth was again the host. However, this was the first time a participant had traveled from the outer galaxy to compete and, quite frankly, little was known of these supposedly athletic aliens. They were also rumored to be quite intelligent. Imperial Grand Master of the Games, Ronald Hump, thought it would be a good idea to have a few marching girls from Earth on hand for their arrival. You can’t go wrong with marching girls. The space cruiser Zolt splashed down in the Atlantic Ocean at 7.15 p.m. on Friday 13th July in the “Year of the Asparagus.” The cruiser’s on-board computer had provided the visitors with probably more information than they needed to know. The humans had run out of animal names for their calendar and were now using vegetables. By Saturday night, Hump was presiding over a “Welcome to Earth” cocktail party at Hump Towers in New York. With their many tentacles, these guests from outer space were downing Margarita’s as if they were performance enhancing drugs. On hand were the spies from the Athletic Institute, who were calibrating endurance capability and muscular development. Let’s face it; it is bad form to be beaten if you are the host, and word was about that these competitors from afar had financially supported themselves at long odds. Surveying the party scene from the corner of the room was the official representative from Homeland Security, Calvin Swift. Cal was self-conscious in his tuxedo but he was the type of guy who would do whatever it takes to keep his country’s borders safe from any perceived threat. He had served his department well and the intelligence community had awarded him their highest award for services rendered. Prior to his recruitment, he had also been the recipient of a Legion of Merit citation, bestowed on him as reward for his stoic contribution, while serving an unnamed government agency. The man knew his stuff. Attached to his arm like a limpet mine was his female companion, Dr. Alicia Angelico; currently employed by the Department of Inhuman Affairs. Yes, she was a behavioral scientist and very interested in these newcomers from a distant planet. There were those who found it difficult to understand how an uncomplicated spook from Homeland Security would attract a honey with an academic pedigree but that’s the way it was. Alicia always maintained she had been hooked by his bedroom blue eyes, curly hair and ready smile. He also knew the best places to get quality hamburgers. The reverse attraction was easy to understand because he was an uncomplicated guy and she had big tits. They were in their thirties and consenting adults who had been together for almost eighteen months. Eventually, the couple would move out from the shadows and mix and mingle. After all, Alicia had shelled out big bucks for her fascinating tailored sheath mini cocktail dress, which was low cut at both ends and showed off her assets to great effect. Unfortunately, on this occasion, she would not be the center of attention because the Schmoo girls all had four breasts. There must have been some correlation between that body design and the same number of tentacles that the men used instead of arms, but no-one was aware of it. Calvin wasn’t that impressed and said so. “Hell Al, I don’t know why all the ladies are going magoo over these guys. They don’t look so attractive to me.” “Well, I don’t know,” said the captivated bystander. “That third eye is a bit scary but their green skin looks very healthy and their physiques are extremely muscular. Apart from the tentacles, the rest of their body seems just like ours. Look at that guy over there. He has his feelers around three New York models. I wonder what they are thinking.” “You know exactly what they’re thinking. How many bananas will they find if they remove his trousers? You women are all the same.” “Maybe so but I reckon they’ll just find one foreskin. They don’t look Jewish to me.” Although this last comment was facetious, it was Alicia’s business to investigate foreign bodies and their origins. Since the inter-planetary system had opened up, robotic science had moved forward in leaps and bounds and the ability of aliens to replicate was a reality. Thus, security of the planet became a major issue and Calvin Swift was lucky to have a learned behavioral scientist by his side. She had an answer to all his questions. “Have you noticed they all have red hair, the men sound gay and the women are all wearing excessive make-up?” “Yes Cal, there are no boundaries as far as personal appearance goes, but I think the hair is rust. Fifteen thousand light years is a long way if you run out of shampoo.” Replication was a fascination for Alicia but a worry for the security agent. If these visitors were able to morph out their third eye, colorize their skin, and transform their tentacles into two arms, they would look like humans and could blend into the fabric of Earth society. World domination was always an unsavory prospect, if that was what was on their mind, and the Martians had already tried it on. However, these folks were now in the fold and willing participants in the Intergalactic Games, although their results were usually mixed. The athletes from Mars were very competitive on the red surface of track and field but the grass based disciplines gave them trouble. Who can forget the tragic misfortune of the discus throw that decapitated Jerusalem Jackson, as she performed the national anthem? *** The Schmoo contingent at the Hump cocktail party were the privileged few and their passage through customs and immigration had been fast tracked. For Schnikle Po and Vinicus Ah, their transition would be a slow process. They were crew and would be the last in line. There was no way the rulers of this mysterious planet would allow the space cruiser Zolt to undertake such a long journey without a full complement of passengers and so the Superior C cabin was accommodating fee-paying tourists, who had forked-out forty thousand Kryptocones for the trip of a lifetime. The luxury cabin had been allocated to the athletes and Superior B accommodation was given over to government apparatchiks. These people were mostly spies whose mandate was to melt into the community and drain the life force from the locals.