Dirklus

Annah, now twenty, was a filthy, slender woman with striking blue eyes. She wore a shabby robe patched so many times it was probably cheaper to buy a new one. Despite the soot, there was no mistaking her endearing nose, full lips, and unusually straight, white teeth. Annah checked the roof for fire damage and cringed at the bald spot of thatch. She scanned the street for witnesses and ducked back into the house.

Her bedroom resembled an alchemy lab on the cheap with a hammock suspended on the far side of the room. Beakers, flasks, vials, herbs, and books littered the shelves and floor. A shelf of assorted salves, potions, and elixirs were the only semblance of order in the entire room. Mysterious concoctions simmered in pots on a stove, adding strange gases to an already stuffy room.

A radiant blue spell book floated above the stove, fanning smoke toward the grime-covered walls.

“Out the window!” Annah eyed her spell book until it fanned in the proper direction. She ran her finger down a list of recipe ingredients for Taboo Brew and stopped at Westburg Sweets. Annah reached into a sack, grabbed a handful of Westburg’s most prized commodity and plopped them into a simmering concoction. The brew churned in ecstasy, making a smacking sound of sorts. The thick green goop formed a mouth at the surface and opened wide. Annah dropped another Westburg Sweet in and watched the concoction churn itself in approval.

“Much too slow.” She stirred the goop, thinning its consistency into a frothy liquid. Annah dipped two mugs into the Taboo Brew and set them on a counter to cool. She knelt down before a bucket of iridescent water, plugged her nose and dunked her entire head in. The water flared, shooting dirt, grime, oil, twigs, and a dead silk worm toward the ceiling.

Annah lifted her head out of the bucket, revealing a sweet-looking, copper-skinned beauty with long jet-black hair. She felt refreshed but sensed something dreadfully wrong. One whiff of her armpits incited a head-jerk reaction that nearly snapped her neck. Annah grabbed the biggest sponge she could find, dunked it in the iridescent water, and gave it a threatening look. “This bath is important, so don’t just do as you please, you waste of an enchant.”

She pushed the sponge down the neck of her tattered robe and let it loose. The sponge darted straight to an armpit and attacked it like a frenzied animal.

“I’m not a horse!” Annah tried to trap the sponge, but it eluded her and scrubbed the other pit, releasing a brown vapor byproduct that stunk. She took a whiff, coughed and spat. “Stop it this instant!”

The sponge ignored her and scrubbed whatever smelled bad, which happened to be everything. It popped out of her robe and splashed in the bucket. The iridescent water cried as the sponge rinsed.

“One more joke and I’ll disenchant you, Bucket!”

Her spell book laughed silently, waving an occasional page over the Taboo Brew to maintain ventilation.

The sponge leapt out of the bucket, dove down the back of Annah’s robe, and lodged itself in her rump. Annah screamed and ran around the room, grasping her buttocks. “Get out! Get out! Get out!”

Her spell book doubled over in silent laughter and threw itself against a wall to stop.

The sponge slid down Annah’s leg and flew back into the iridescent bucket, which released a loud outburst of flatulence. The bucket spilled over, blanketing the floor with iridescent water that left the floor spotless in the wake of its path.

“Stop it! All of you!” Annah confronted the bucket. It set itself upright and the sponge hopped in. The iridescent puddle put itself to work, evaporating the grime off the rest floor until it sparkled.

Annah’s spell book whistled a catcall at her.

“You shut up!”

The book shrugged and resumed its duty fanning out smoke at a lazy pace.

Annah picked up a mirror, took a gander at her reflection and was pleasantly surprised. She jumped when a fist pounded on the door.

“I’m ready!” Annah ran to the door and opened it for Olly and Molly, twins no older than ten. Olly’s mouth dropped when he saw Annah’s actual face. “Are you. . . are you Annah?” He gave her a once-over from head to toe, undressing her with his eyes. Molly whacked him in the back to snap him out of it.

“Come in.” Annah held the door open, and the twins entered. “Dirklus?”

“This is a waste of my time,” Dirklus said and entered her room. He was fair-skinned and rosy-cheeked with a boyish face for a young man of twenty years. Slightly taller than average, with a medium build, he didn’t carry himself with much confidence. A pink spell book was strapped to the back of his blue robe, which was plagued with patchwork alterations, outlining his growth. Unlike Annah, he maintained an acceptable level of personal hygiene and presented a neat appearance.

Annah stole a quick glance at his short, curly golden locks and bit her lip. She harrumphed and turned away to keep Dirklus from seeing her blush. She pointed at the open window and it shut. “This won’t take long.”

Dirklus noticed a sack of Westburg Sweets lying on a table and backed toward the door. “Annah, what are Master Nilis’s Westburg Sweets doing here?”

“I bought them,” Annah said and dashed to the door to block his escape.

“With what money?” Dirklus folded his arms.

“Money I saved up, unlike some of us who spend everything they earn buying kisses from dirty whores in Westburg.”

“They’re not dirty! Look who’s talk—” Dirklus noticed something odd about Annah. She was clean.

Annah was flattered at his double take and brushed past him. She fetched the mugs of Taboo Brew and presented them to the twins. “Drink up,” she said with a sweet smile. “It’s good.”

Olly and Molly were skeptical of the brew. They sniffed it and both sank their tongues in for a taste test. After smacking their lips, they gulped their drinks down.

Olly slammed his mug on the counter like he’d seen his father do countless times at the tavern downstairs. “Another please,” Olly said and wiped his upper lip.

“After the experiment, I have an even bigger treat!” Annah refilled their mugs and set them aside to cool.

“What’s this experiment all about?” Dirklus fidgeted impatiently.

“I’ve successfully perfected Taboo Brew from a secret recipe I found—”

“Stole most likely.”

“Found.” Annah flipped her hair. It wasn’t a normal habit but she had seen other girls doing it to draw attention or make a point. She wasn’t sure.

“What’s this Taboo Brew for?” Dirklus was suddenly distracted by how clean the floor was.

“To prove once and for all that you and I are not kin.” Annah noticed Olly and Molly exploring her room. “Don’t touch anything.”

“I’m not!” Olly shoved his hands in his pockets. Molly caught wind of something foul and started sniffing out its location.

“Why would Master Nilis lie about us being cousins?” Dirklus noticed Annah playing with her hair.

“Can we have our pay and go now?” Olly’s patience had run out.

“After you kiss your sister.” Annah made it sound like an opportunity.

“I’m not kissing her. That’s disgusting.” Olly faked a gag reflex.

“You’re disgusting!” Molly shot back.

“I wouldn’t kiss you for. . .“ Olly was ramping up for a showdown, but stopped when Annah dangled a Westburg Sweet in front of his face.

“A yummy, sweet and expensive Westburg Sweet each?” Annah poured on the charm. She wasn’t good at that either, but the onions spoke for themselves. The twins couldn’t take their eyes off the prize.

“Where do I have to kiss her?”

“On the lips.” Annah watched the twins recoil in disgust.

Dirklus couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Annah, have you lost your mind?” He grabbed each twin by an arm and dragged them toward the door, but Annah commanded the door shut with her pinky. Dirklus yanked on the door, but it wouldn’t budge.