There Was No Linkin' To What I Was Thinkin'

Questions, I only have questions. Twenty three years ago I had all the answers, now only questions. She was only two and this was the first snow that she was going to get to play in with her big brother. School was closed, so I did not have to work and was looking forward to sleeping past 5:30 when I normally got up to drive the bus. “No honey, let’s wait until the sun comes up.” She had raised her blinds and peeked out the window, snow! It is 6:00 and she is ready to play. I had hoped for a much later beginning to this day but my kind, gentle, soft, request (she does not remember it that away) did nothing to deter her excitement. Everyone in the house now awake assembles in the living room to make a game plan, this was one of many ploys used to occupy the minds of the two kiddos who are charged on two-twenty volts. The older brother had already escaped out the sliding back door, made a flying circle around the swing set, barefooted and in his underwear, which were always on backwards. I promise we were good parents, watchful, we were conscientious parents, but sometimes kids they, sometimes they just, well they just do “stuff”. We were able to delay the inevitable until the sun had come up and made the conditions outside tolerable. The plan is to find a side road with no traffic and one more very important criteria; a hill. “No honey you can’t go run around the swing barefoot in your underwear”, ‘I know he did”. Now one of the things that can’t be described, only experienced, getting kids ready to play in the snow, WOW. Thermals, socks, sweat pants, jeans, sweat shirt, boots, coat, wool cap with ear coverings, she’s ready and I’m exhausted. The four of us, with all our winter clothes, blankets, and our all important toboggan, pile into a Volkswagen Rabbit. No car seat this time we were so compact no one was going anywhere should we wreck. Across town to our friends’ apartment who live on a dead end street with a nice long, gently sloped hill. This was a big snow by Arkansas standards, about eight inches so everything was covered and the snow had drifted to fill the road ditches. Last minute instructions; hold on tight, don’t lean over you will fall, daddy will be right there. I’m going to give her a little push, just enough to slide her along where I can jog beside and stop her if needed. We think one trip would be enough then let big brother ride all he wanted, who to this day is an adrenaline junkie, just not barefoot and in his underwear. A slight push…all is well, then….wait, miscalculation, the hill is steeper than I thought and the snow is slicker than I thought. Every second the faster she goes, I now realize that she is soon going to be going faster than I can run. I reach out to grab her coat, she is now beyond my reach. I keep running but the gap is getting wider. I look up and see the hazards, a tree zooms past her, watch out for that stranded car, I am frantic but worst of all I’m helpless. Courtney is looking at me laughing, having the time of her life, she thinks this is the way it was supposed to go. She is not aware of all the dangers that are swishing past her. We had hoped to delay it as long as we could. We had used every ploy known to parenthood. But all three of them had lifted the blinds of parental protection and peeked out to see…the world, life on their own. “No, Honey wait until the conditions are better”. They need more time to prepare, get ready. It’s not time yet! So we feed them, teach them, prepare them to go. Neither parent or child is living in reality, the parent wants to keep them inside protected; child wants to run around the swing barefoot and in their underwear. The plans are just give them a little nudge, run along beside and grab them if needed. So we do, nudge them out into life, running after them, but as time passes the gap widens and they are more on their own. Watch out for that…, don’t run into ….we often see the dangers. We make an attempt to gather them back, too late, looking on helpless. But you know what I’ve noticed, they are having the time of their life going out and growing themselves. There will be crashes. So we keep running to be there when they need us. We help pick them up, dust off the snow, bandage the wounds, and GULP, nudge them back down the hill again. We watch. Questions now only questions. Did we instill right from wrong? Were we too strict, not strict enough? Did we give them the skills to survive? Do they know that we love them unconditionally? I believe God is a better parent than we can imagine or experience here on earth. He is beside us, guiding us, but leaving us to make choices. Do we crash in life from time to time? He is at our side picks us up dusts us off and treats the wound and nudges us back into life. And he wants us to miss the hazards and have the time of our life. Courtney laughing zips to the bottom of the hill, all the way to the bottom where she lands softly in a snow drift. I arrive moments later, in dire need of oxygen, ready to console her through this traumatic experience, only for her to look up and say; “do it again daddy”. I pray that their life will be the same. Back home, take off the winter clothes, hot chocolate and cookies. Nap time but first out the door around the swing set ….kids just do stuff!