The War on Smokers and the Rise of the Nanny State

Oklahoma State University in Stillwater announced that as of July 1, 2008 tobacco would no longer be permitted on the campus. The ban pertains not only to smoking but to chewing tobacco as well. Burns Hargis, who is a prominent Republican in Oklahoma, is the new President of OSU. His remarks, via Internet video, are as follows: Well, this is a very important and great day. Today we make Oklahoma State tobacco free. This is a very important step in making Oklahoma State University a cleaner, healthier, and more attractive campus. We realize this will be difficult for some, and we hope that those who use tobacco products will resolve to stop. We have programs in place to help. We urge patience and understanding with this change. It was never our intent to invade, impede, or affect private rights of others. It is to make OSU a much healthier environment. Some have asked how this will be enforced? Well, it's university policy, and we expect everyone to comply with it. Violations will be treated accordingly. There's a Web site that describes this policy and provides more information. This is a very important step along the way in making Oklahoma State University one of the healthiest campuses in America. [Emphasis mine.] Here’s my response to this edict: July 4, 2008 President Burns Hargis Oklahoma State University 107 Whitehurst Stillwater, Oklahoma 74078 Dear President Hargis, Let me congratulate you on your progressive decision to ban smoking from the sidewalks and open air of Oklahoma State University. You have made your university a vanguard of forward thinking in this modern age. We know that these little criminals terrorize the proletariat (student body) with their secondhand smoke in the open air and must be snuffed out. And so are those who use chew. They, too, terrorize the proletariat, I guess. Anyway, you must also be congratulated on your decision to involve the proletariat in enforcing this ban by encouraging them to become informers on fellow criminal students. Let me recommend a new concept of enforcement for you. In past history, progressive regimes have enforced their mandates, for the good of the people, through fellow members of the populace that could be identified by their colored shirts. Those shirts have been black or brown, and in Ireland those who kept Ireland English were known as the Black and Tan. To enforce this policy of banning smokers and to promote school health and spirit, may I suggest that your informers be called the Black and Orange to represent your school colors? And when a counter revolutionary student falls afoul of the law, he or she should be severely disciplined. A ticketed warning is not good enough; he or she should be suspended from school for a few days to teach him or her a lesson, and if he or she makes a repeat violation, he or she should be expelled. Faculty members must not be exempt. I realize they do have tenure, but surely an institution like yours that makes the bold decision to ban smoking in the open air can find some way around tenure for faculty members? Remember, you have taken your school into new, un-chartered territory. Act like it! To ensure your success, you need to cull from the library all counter-revolutionary works. These works include anything by author Ayn Rand, Liberal Fascism by Jonah Goldberg, and, of course, The Death of Common Sense by Philip K. Howard. This should not be too difficult to do because you probably have very few books in your library like the aforementioned ones. On your Web site, you herald this decision by stating that you are doing this to promote the public health. Bravo! However, you do know that obesity, not smoking, poses a greater health threat to the proletariat. This open-air smoking ban, while impressive, is not going to promote the public health alone. You should ban fried foods, processed foods, pizza deliveries, candies, and sodas from campus as well. Of course, banning sweets will be hard on those campus diabetics, but in a health utopia those people really don’t fit in, now do they? The good thing to note is that you, in accordance with Oklahoma law, have banned alcohol from campus, and, of course, the proletariat have always complied with that law in their dorm rooms. To promote better health, may I suggest mandating exercise? Early morning calisthenics are a good way to get the campus up and ready for a new day of learning and health! The Chinese and North Koreans have composed some wonderful martial music that I am sure you can download from the Internet and play on the public address system while the students are out exercising in the early morning hours. The fraternity and sorority houses should be the first to “volunteer” on a Saturday and Sunday morning. They will be glad to comply, or else! Also, since you have decided to regulate what people do on the sidewalks, may I suggest you regulate how they do it? Walking, while good cardiovascular exercise, does not go far enough in toning the body. Goose-stepping is better for the proletariat in that it tones up the legs, buttocks, and stomach muscles. You implement these changes, and you will have the healthiest campus in America! Of course, “America” will eventually have to go as a name for this place, but that is a matter for a different letter to officials in other positions and need not concern you at this time. Just know you are doing your part. Your decision to ban smoking from the open air and chew from cheeks and gums at Oklahoma State University will prepare the student body for the Nanny State that awaits them upon graduation. President Hargis, let me also personally congratulate you for overcoming your “republican” roots. For too long, that counter-revolutionary party has had a reputation of being a party of liberty and individual responsibility. With your decision to go along with this ban on smoking in the open air and create informers among the student body, you have shed those outdated 18th century notions and embraced the 20th century concept of “the Collective Good.” Congrats, man. You are an inspiration. Fraternally yours, Theodore “A Modest Proposal” King And here’s a response to my good-natured satire that one of OSU’s faculty, a PhD who doesn’t spell well and who read my letter, e-mailed to me: “May a thousand ciggie buts [sic] find their way into your nasal cavity.” This bad-natured retort is typical of the belligerent invective the anti-smoking Nannies spew out at those who dare disagree and express criticism of, their draconian agenda. My correspondent has inadvertently set the stage for what follows in this, The War on Smokers and the Rise of the Nanny State.