By His Stripes We are Healed

C H A P T E R 1 Sabrina Jackson “First, I think I want a man who will have his whole world revolve around me. When I get that, I feel the man is too needy,” Sabrina said. “Then, I think I want a man who finds me attractive. When I get that, I feel the man is a sex hound if he wants me sexually more than twice a week. It’s like there is no middle ground with me. I want one thing, but then when I get it, it’s not all that it was cracked up to be.” Catching a glimpse of her counselor’s eyes, Sabrina looked down and pretended readjust the straps on her Coach boots. She was beginning to rethink her decision to get spiritual guidance in her life. She realized that she had problems and thought she might know most of the answers already. It would be a lot easier for her to make decisions if Sister Diane would just come out and tell her the truth: that she needed to put her happiness ahead of her bank account. But she didn’t. Instead, Sister Diane asked questions that made Sabrina feel as if she were coming out with the dumbest problems in the world. “Things are getting rough for me,” Sabrina continued with a sigh. “I haven’t been completely honest with myself, but I think it’s time that I am. I realize that a lot of my problems are my own fault. Now, I see that the reason I don’t have the things that I want is because I am not willing to put forth the effort to go out and get them. I’m just … not happy.” Sister Diane Pearson listened to Sabrina and wished she could find the right words to say to comfort her but she couldn’t. All she could do was listen. God 2 By His Stripes We are Healed had not yet permitted Diane to tell Sabrina what she really thought about her situation. Diane liked to ask Sabrina open-ended questions to keep Sabrina talking. “What do you think is really making you unhappy?” Diane asked as she shook her head flexing all of the vibrant body in her shoulder length auburn hair. Sister Diane straightened out her granny glasses that she wore on the tip of her nose and leaned in closer as if she was genuinely interested in what Sabrina had to say. It was a practice of Diane’s to make her patients feel as if she was hanging onto their every word even if they were boring her to death. “The main thing that is troubling me is the process of seeing and evaluating myself and the choices that I make. When I consider my relationships and the things that I look for in a man, I come to see that the very things my ex-fiancé didn’t offer me, I found an abundance of in my husband. You may think that’s a good thing. It is to a certain extent. But the truth of the matter is that I don’t really know what I want.” “Okay, Sabrina. There must be something good about these men that you encounter. What makes it all worth you while? Why do you stay?” asked Diane in hopes that Sabrina would begin to focus more on the positive points in her life instead of wallowing in all the negativity. Sabrina had a lot going for her and Diane was trying to help her see this for herself without spelling it out to her. “One thing I can honestly say is that I never got an irresponsible man. My men are always providers. They don’t really do too many things for me personally, but my bills are high, and as long as they are paying half of that, I have the means to do for myself. But there comes a point when you want a little more. There comes a point when you want a man that you can get a new outfit from or a new pair of shoes or just a surprise gift. Not with the men I end up with. I guess I really shouldn’t complain, though. My bills are paid. My freezer is full and I have the family life that I never had as a child. From the outside looking in, you would think we were the Huxtables.” Sister Diane couldn’t help but to chuckle when Sabrina referenced The Cosby Show. Diane had always been a fan. Diane jotted down a few notes on her notepad and continued to listen to Sabrina as she sporadically shared her thoughts about family life. Diane found the comparison between the Huxtables and the Jacksons so humorous because she was once under the misconception that things were always peaches and cream in the Jackson household. She actually remembered watching them thinking that they were such the picture-perfect family. “So you’re pleased with the way your family life appears to look but how does it feel? Tell me more about your family life.” Diane didn’t mean to appear nosey Shanita S. Waters 3 but she needed all of the details if she was going to continue effectively counsel Sabrina. Diane was not just her counselor. As a missionary, she was also a spiritual advisor to Sabrina. Diane strongly believed that if someone desired prayer for a specific need that they should make their request known. “Speaking of family life, my men always seem to act like they’re my father. My husband wants to control everything about me from the amount of time I spend with my friends down to how I wear my hair. I thought I needed a man who wanted to be with me all of the time. Now that I have one, I feel like we spend a little too much time together. I find myself wanting to leave, but I can’t. My children are involved. My time is involved. And he may try to take something with him when he leaves, and I can’t have that. I am always talking about someone else being materialistic, but it is really me.” Again, Diane couldn’t help but laugh. She was shocked by Sabrina’s honesty. Sabrina was always so quiet and reserved. Now she was really being herself. Sabrina said the things that many people thought but didn’t honestly have the guts to say to someone else. Diane reached into her small black clutch purse and pulled out a clear bottle of lip gloss. She carefully coated her lips with the clear gel without using a mirror. Sabrina tied not to appear to be watching her but couldn’t help but to wonder if Diane was perfect in every other area of her life with such ease. Diane stared deeply into Sabrina’s seductively slanted hazel eyes. She was a beautiful woman and could have any man she wanted. She had a pretty smile, pearly white teeth and dimples that was sure to charm any man. She was short, sweet and petite. She only stood 5'–1" tall and weighed 130 lbs soaking wet. She was thin in the waist and cute in the face. Diane couldn’t understand how Sabrina could be so attractive and have such low self-esteem at the same time. “Now before I ask you the next question I want you to be clear that I am in no way promoting divorce or more specifically you leaving your husband, but why do you stay in this marriage if you are so unhappy?” Diane could hardly wait to see how Sabrina would answer that one. “I have stayed in one too many relationships because I needed help paying my bills. I wasn’t in love. I was in debt. And that is pretty much why I swung from relationship to relationship like jungle monkeys swing through trees. Even monkeys have enough sense to know that if they let go of one branch, they need to have the next one lined up or they will fall flat on their faces. I guess I follow the same philosophy.” “So are you comparing yourself to animals now?” asked Sister Diane. 4 By His Stripes We are Healed “No. I’m just saying … I am not about to be alone. I am not about to leave the only thing I have going on right now to prove that I can make my own decisions. What good would that do when those bills start rolling in, and I can’t pay them alone? “Well, isn’t that the whole point of staying in a relationship that you are unhappy in—so that you can pay all of your bills?” Sister Diane asked, obviously irritated by how much Sabrina was willing to suffer in order to maintain her materialistic life. Diane was saddened at the thought of someone staying in a relationship for the sole purpose of being able to maintain their financial lifestyle.