The Best Plays From The Strawberry One-Act Festival Volume Eight

A Song A Day Keeps The Doctor Away made its New York City debut on February 14, 2015 at The Hudson Guild Theatre. It was one of the finalists in The Riant Theatre’s Winter 2015 Strawberry One-Act Festival with the following cast: TONY David Vega ALLISON Michelle Berenice Brino DUMAS Freddy Valle The play was directed by Tatyana-Marie Carlo CAST OF CHARACTERS TONY, a man in his 20’s with a peculiar medical problem. Instead of speaking, he sings all of his lines. He is worried it could be fatal. ALLISON, Tony’s girlfriend, also in her 20’s. She is very energetic, passionate and intense. DUMAS, 20’s. A young aspiring doctor. He has an eye patch and a missing arm. He is eager and optimistic. SCENE 1 (We see ALLISON and TONY in a doctor’s examination room. TONY sits on the examination. ALLISON is seated in a chair near the examination table. She anxiously keeps checking her watch for the time.) ALLISON: Uh… How much longer can they take? It’s not like they have a dying patient or anything. How are you feeling honey? (TONY Barely opens his mouth to speak, but ALLISON cuts him off. Throughout the following monologue, TONY attempts to interject but cannot find a proper spot to speak. ALLISON tramples over his lines.) I knew it, I knew it had gotten worse. What are we going to do? Crap. Crap crap crap. I don’t know what we’re going to tell your mom. What will people say? I can’t date someone in your condition. I should have listened to Michelle. She said it wouldn’t last, but no I had hope, and expectations. But now we’re doomed, forever doomed. Okay maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but I’ve never dated anyone in your situation. I know what you’re going to say: ‘Oh baby please, it’s fine, I promise this never happens’. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard that. You wouldn’t believe the excuses men come up with. What am I saying? You know what? We will overcome this. We’re strong. You’re strong. And who am I to judge right? …Why are you so quiet? You’re scaring me! Say something! Talk! (Just as TONY is about to finally respond, DUMAS enters. He is wearing an eye patch and is missing his left arm. There is only a little stump of an arm left.) Hello Doctor— wait, you’re not Doctor Wilson. DUMAS: Doctor Wilson is currently on vacation. So I’ll be filling in. ALLISON: Are you sure you’re the appropriate individual for this job? DUMAS: What does that mean? ALLISON: My boyfriend Tony here, has a very challenging condition. And I want to be sure that you are the correct person for the task at hand. DUMAS: Are you asking if I’m qualified? ALLISON: Maybe… Yes. DUMAS: Rest assured I am more than qualified. You’d be surprised how often people ask me that. I know, I have a young face. But looks can be deceiving. ALLISON: Yes… looks. DUMAS: So, Tony right? What seems to be the problem? (TONY attempts to speak, but is interrupted.) ALLISON: You’re missing an arm. DUMAS: Excuse me? ALLISON: And you have an eye patch. DUMAS: Well— ALLISON: Are you sure you’re meant to be a doctor? I feel like the universe is trying to tell you something here. DUMAS: It’s not like I need both arms and eyes to be in this profession. ALLISON: You kind of do. What about depth perception? What if you stick the needle in the wrong vein? You could seriously hurt someone. And what if— DUMAS: Miss, I assure you I am more than capable of doing this job. Now, we need to attend to the health of Mr. Tony here, alright? ALLISON: Alright. I’m just worried is all. DUMAS: Yes. I understand. ALLISON: Because Doctor Wilson is his doctor. DUMAS: I understand. ALLISON: Yes. DUMAS: Yes. ALLISON: Okay. DUMAS: Okay. ALLISON: Great. DUMAS: Great. So Tony, what seems to be the problem? (TONY motions to answer but is interrupted again.) ALLISON: I’m sorry, what was your name again? DUMAS: Miss, I’m trying to treat Tony. ALLISON: Yes, but I need to know you’re name in case we have to sue for malpractice or something. DUMAS: My name is Albert Dumas. Can I treat Tony now? ALLISON: Wait wait, Dumas? Is that a fancy way of saying— DUMAS: No no no no. It’s Dumas. Dumas. Just Dumas. ALLISON: Are you sure? Because that sounds an awful lot like— DUMAS: Yes I know, but it’s French, Dumas. Miss, I need to tend to Tony! ALLISON: Yes Doctor Dumas, because he has a very serious ailment. And I am sure Dumas can handle it. DUMAS: So Tony? What is the problem? (All of TONY’s lines are sung in an operatic fashion unless indicated otherwise.) TONY: Doctor, I can’t talk properly anymore. Every time I speak I end up singing. As you can imagine it’s severely affected my day to day living. I am very scared of what this could mean. DUMAS: What? This is outrageous. How is this even possible? ALLISON: You think that’s crazy? You should hear the sex. TONY: Allison this is no joke. I can’t stop, I’m really concerned. What if it’s something serious? DUMAS: It could be something neurological, something that’s impeding with your brain’s ability to properly communicate. This is amazing, I’ve never heard of anything like this. ALLISON: So if it’s in his brain, does that— Oh my god, he has a tumor or something. He has cancer doesn’t he? Its terminal isn’t it? I knew it. TONY: There’s a moment you know you’re fucked! ALLISON: I couldn’t have put it better myself baby. TONY: Not an inch more room to self destruct. DUMAS: Will everyone be quiet for a second? I never said cancer! I was only speculating, analyzing the situation. It could be anything really. ALLISON: So it could be cancer then. TONY: Yeah you’re fucked alright! And all for spite— DUMAS: It’s not cancer! So everyone please calm down. Tony, please have a seat for me. Alright, Tony please say ‘ah’ for me. (TONY sings ‘ah’ and sustains it. DUMAS starts to look down his throat and then smells TONY’s breathe.) You’re throat seems fine. (DUMAS grabs TONY’s wrist and listens to his pulse.) Your pulse is normal. (DUMAS takes TONY’s temperature by placing his stump arm on TONY’s forehead.) And no fever, how odd. ALLISON: Excuse me, how come you’re not using any of your doctor tools? Where’s your stethamascope? Tongue oppressor? Mouth flashlight? Ear stick? TONY: Yes, your lack of tools worries me. DUMAS: I, um, didn’t have time to grab them, yes. Because I heard Tony needed urgent and immediate care and so I rushed here as quickly as I could. ALLISON: We were waiting here for thirty minutes. TONY: There is something fishy going on here. DUMAS: I find your lack of faith disturbing. ALLISON: I find your lack of tools even more disturbing. You’re really living up to your name right now Dumas. TONY: Dumas you’re a dumbass! ALLISON: Yeah you tell him baby! Dumbass! DUMAS: I don’t appreciate the hostility right now. ALLISON: You’re a big effin’ dumbass! DUMAS: You guys are totally hurting my feelings. TONY: I’m the one with the singing problem. ALLISON: Yeah! TONY: What about my feelings? ALLISON: His feelings? DUMAS: You sing beautifully if you ask me. ALLISON: Hell yeah! TONY: Try ordering food. ALLISON: Ordering food. TONY: It’s very embarrassing. ALLISON: So embarrassing. TONY: I need a solution right now. ALLISON: Right now! TONY: And frankly both of you— ALLISON: Both of us. TONY: Are starting to annoy me! ALLISON: Are starting to annoy—wait what? I’m annoying you? I don’t see how I could possibly be annoying you. I am like the most considerate and loving person ever.